when should you tell you can't have kids

[Nursingnew]

I'm 17 and last year my Dr said i had Primary Ovarian Insufficiency so it is highly unlikely i would fall pregnant . That hurt because i've always wanted kids however I could always adopt. However i've never been in a relationship and i'm scared that no one would want to get with me due to this.
When would you want to know if you were in a relationship with someone who couldn't have kids?

I’m going to ignore the question you asked and just say that make sure you’re careful with contraception when you do get into a relationship. Don’t just assume the doctor is right. The amount of people on here questioning whether they should have a termination after accidentally getting pregnant after being told they cant have kids is unreal

I was told 15 years ago that I couldn't have children. I am sat here listening to my son chatting to himself. I dont think I am going to be able to have another but it could happen.

So for me personally I would wait till it came up

@Baybel90 Thankyou , it is just probably due to my lack of experience ad it will probably be better when i actually have to deal with it whilst in a relationship. & congratulations to her, i hope it works out for me like that as well.

@Nursingnew I agree with pp that when you see your dr ask about counselling. I cannot say for certain, but I can’t see how that would affect any career or applications in the future. 💐

Being brutally honest, I wouldn't rush to tell a partner at your age, because you're more likely to get pressure from idiots who want to mess you around thinking that it's great they won't have to worry about contraception. There's plenty of time to have that conversation when things get more serious.

If you were older, and actively looking for a serious relationship, I would treat it differently and probably tell a partner sooner. But by the time you get there you will have had much more time and experience to know how you feel, what the actual science is looking like, how previous relationships have gone etc. For now, I would take time to get to grips (including professional help, if necessary) with your own feelings about this and never mind anybody else's.

I think you should tell them upfront. I would hate to be invested in someone for a year or more to find out something like that as it would be a deal breaker for me. That way, you’re not wasting your own time if they decide that’s not what they want.

I had a friend who was told it was likely she would never have children. She has 6 now.
I think if the doctor has mentioned IVF you still have a good chance and it’s not that unusual to have to go down that route anyway.

@Nursingnew It took a lot of time to build that armour but it works. Thank you for your kind words. You will eventually find a true friend you can tell who will love and support you and when the time comes, a lovely partner who will hopefully understand. For now, I'd talk to your mother and any other family you trust and together work at supporting you. Remember it's ok to cry, shout and think you've been dealt a bad hand. Don't bottle up your feelings as that does no good. You're still young. Choices are a long way off and who knows of medical advances to come. Just keep strong and embrace all the loving support you get. You'll know which partner to trust and when to tell them. It's not the end of the world. A loving husband who loves me, and cherishes us, a childless couple, is way better than no love at all, is the way I see it. You'll get there in your own unique way. 💐💐

I think it's unfair to say a decent man will be okay with this, implying that a man who doesn't is not decent.

If a man had told me he couldn't have children (before I got married), I wouldn't want to get serious with him.

That doesn't mean I'm not decent. It just means I don't want to waste my time or his.

Please dont worry. You are only 17. There are plenty of people who are told they are unlikely to have kids who do and similarly plenty who have unexplained infertility (like me) and end up having IVF despite no evidence of any problems. You are too young to worry about having to tell anyone. Just try and have fun and enjoy being a teenager. When the time comes and you are in a relationship that you think will be serious, tell the person then. Plenty of people who want kids stay with people who cannot have them because they love them btw and IVF is possible too. I should also say that if you do get into a sexual relationship please do use contraception. I know of people who chose not to thinking that they couldn't have kids. It is not sensible anyway due to STDs but also you might end up with a surprise with the wrong person for you x

Bless you. Your ovarian insufficiency will not affect your application to do nursing, please don't worry about that.

At your next appointment have a list of questions for the doctor. You don't have to have your mum with you.

It's good that you will be reassessed in a few months.

As others have said, when you do meet someone whom you feel is right you will know when to tell them. Don't worry about it now and please try to enjoy your life.

I was told similar at eighteen,v doctor was very matter of fact, no support offered. I'm now old enough to be your mum (just) and have had three relationships in that time I felt were serious enough to discuss this with, every one of them took it well, maybe I'm over generalising but some of my male friends who knew too were open that is their partner discovered the same they'd be ok. Some have children, some don't but none saw it as a life dream/goal to have them it was more about the circumstances and relationship. I've known DH dice I read at school and we got together about ten years ago, before that he was always adamant he didn't want children, once we were together he said he didn't mind either way he wanted to be with me, but if I wanted to try/get support from a doctor etc he was fully on board. We do now have a son, he's an amazing dad, but I know he would've been fine if it hadn't happened, we joke sometimes about three holiday home/boat that would've been if it weren't for the expense of DS! I was devastated when I was your age and told that, but there are always options if that's what you want. I have friends who are child free by choice and very happy with their lives.

He told me he always wanted a family, when we had been seeing each other for about a month. I told him straight away it wouldn’t be with me.

He couldn’t care less. We always assumed we wouldn’t have children until a good number of few years later, we were told otherwise.

Oh my love, you sound like me 30+ years ago. I was diagnosed with premature ovarian failure at 17 and told I would not have children, back then even ivf was unlikely as egg donation was in its infancy.

I told my boyfriends as soon as it looked like being a serious relationship, as I didn’t want it to get serious if they couldn’t live without children. Interestingly, none of them dumped me whenI told them.

After quite a few years together DH and I decided to try ivf, as we didn’t want to look back in old age and regret never trying, and our 3rd cycle resulted in our amazing donor egg twins just before I turned 40. So please don’t despair, it can turn out ok and it won’t affect you applying to do nursing.

The thing is POF isn’t often diagnosed well and sometimes can be reversible depending on the cause and the NHS isn’t great at giving you advice about it. . I would suggest you speak to a fertility get tested and speak to a consultant - it’s possible with treatment that you may indeed produce eggs.

I was diagnosed with premature ovarian insufficiency at 26yrs. I met my partner 2 yrs later. I told him as soon as I knew I really liked him but emphasised that I hadn't know him well enough to be "baby hungry" with him. Just cards on the table.

We now have 3 kids born thro donor egg ivf. When you meet the right person you might want to consider this in your financial planning. It isn't cheap. We ending up going abroad. You have a ton of options. Maybe look into the possibility of egg freezing now, if that's an option.

Not the same reason but I was told that I would be unlikely to ever conceive naturally. Late 1980s and so IVF etc was rare. I think I told my now DH casually after a few months. BTW we conceived on the 2nd month of trying which was a bit of a shock- we were mid 20s and were 'having a go' prior to getting medical intervention.

I think it’s something you should tell them pretty soon. Honesty is key. If someone were to get invested in a relationship with you who really wanted a biological family it would be really hard on them - and you - if they’re already invested.

@Herpesfreesince03 @Sobeyondthehills @Paperthin @Fink @MonstranceClock @Ihatesundays @Katzia @SandyY2K @Newmumatlast @Bluerussian @LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook @TheMotherofAllDilemmas @Ginxed @GrumpyHoonMain @Sycamor @lostinBristol @Sparkle2020 Thank-you all so much for the advice . I appreciate so much and will get my fertility checked in a few months again after a blood test .& i am defintely sexually active so i don't have to worry about that.