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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday party etiquette

30 replies

LetItGoHome · 18/01/2020 18:17

My daughter is in reception and I'm beginning to think about her 5th birthday party. She is the younger of 2 children I have in the same school. It seems to be the norm in the school for either parents to hire a hall with entertainer or a smaller do at home. In both situations the parents have always stayed. The first year the mums just dropped and left was with my older child's last birthday, which was his 8th! It's a pain in the backside to be honest.

I feel I have to choose between spending a fortune on a hall party giving space for all the children's entourage. Or have my rather compact mid terrace uncomfortably full. I do understand that they are still little at age 4 or 5. Some parents would feel uncomfortable in leaving children this young and some children of this age won't be left. But I kind of resent having to feed, water and entertain a house full of adults when I just want to play party games with my daughter and her friends.

AIBU if I where to send out invitations with a very clear DROP OFF and PICK UP specified. I get that some parents not like this for what ever reason, but they are free to decline the invitation. But would anyone come?

OP posts:
NoooorthonerMum · 18/01/2020 18:30

I don't think it would be a good idea unless you were just inviting a small group of kids you know. A tea party of a few kids who you know aren't likely to have issues is fine. 15 4 year old kids in your house without parents you might have tears and accidents all over the place or parents who aren't willing to drop them off so some of DD's friends not there.

NoooorthonerMum · 18/01/2020 18:31

You could always do a soft play or leisure centre party where parents can mill around easily (bonus no clearing up or cooking!).

TeenPlusTwenties · 18/01/2020 18:33

I think that is fine.

'Unfortunately due to space limitations this is a small party and it needs to be drop off only, no parents staying. I will understand if you need to decline if your child is not ready to be left yet.'

RhymingRabbit3 · 18/01/2020 18:34

How many kids will be invited? You would probably be fine with up to 5 children but any more than that and it would be better to have the parents there to moderate, help out etc.

Original poster
LetItGoHome · 18/01/2020 18:34

I was thinking of inviting about 8, thinking that if 4 come, that's enough for a party. Soft play is an idea. Probably still pricey though? I don't have hundreds to spend on this.

OP posts:
CodenameVillanelle · 18/01/2020 18:35

You could have a drop and run party if you kept it to 12 ish kids.

Original poster
LetItGoHome · 18/01/2020 18:36

Is it normal for parents to stay? I remember being a kid and always being left at the party. There where never other grown ups there except family of the birthday child.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 18/01/2020 18:37

Why don't you just invite her best friend/friends to do something/come to tea?

You don't have to have loads

Original poster
LetItGoHome · 18/01/2020 18:37

With the parents presents its less 'milling around helping' but more crammed in shoulder to shoulder :/

OP posts:
CastleCrasher · 18/01/2020 18:40

For a small party like you describe, do and run is fine. You could compromise and for any parents you don't know say "if it will help your child settle, your welcome to stay for a cup of coffee before you leave for some well earned child free time" an invitation dc1 (5) got recently said that, which I thought was quite a clever way to handle it. Everyone dropped and ran

Pipandmum · 18/01/2020 18:40

I never stayed and dint know why parents want to! 8 kids would be fine to handle. Just say drop off and if one or two insist then just offer them tea or coffee.
It's not £100s for 8 at a play centre - google is your friend.

TeenPlusTwenties · 18/01/2020 18:41

Up to 8 children should be fine, provided you do have at least 1 other adult at the party too.

DelurkingAJ · 18/01/2020 18:44

Some DC are still at the ‘occasional toilet accident’ stage in Reception...I always stayed to catch DS1 before that happened.

user1493413286 · 18/01/2020 18:48

I think it’s fine if you’re only inviting 8 children; at 5 they’re ok to be left and that’s a manageable number for you.

BackforGood · 18/01/2020 18:50

For every parents that didn't like it, I'd wager that there are twice as many who would be thinking "Thank goodness for that" Wink

Of course YANBU

SoloMummy · 18/01/2020 18:53

My lo wouldn't attend alone due to their preference and thinking in their class I know of at least another half a dozen who wouldn't. However I know that the set of mums who are very friendly do leave their children with one another so if you're part of a group then that could happen. But you risk having none of the children your dd would like actually attend. And I do think to expect this for 4 and 5 yo is unreasonable and slightly cruel an expectation.

Why not invite less expecting the parent to attend? Rather than inviting more in the hope that they attend parent less to a home and parent they don't know.

Woukd you want you 4 yo to come to another child's house without you and without your child knowing the parent either? I doubt it....

Alte · 18/01/2020 18:57

How well do you know the other parents/kids? I wouldn’t have been comfortable leaving either of mine with people I barely knew at that age.

SleepWarrior · 18/01/2020 19:04

I planned on loads of parents to stay and I think only 2 did. A few might genuinely need to but I don't think it'll be a popular choice.

Maybe you could add on something like "we don't have much space so sadly won't be able to accommodate any siblings or parents unless we get very few attendees"

That way, if they are saying no because they'd want to stay then they will say that in their RSVP - "little Bob can't come because I don't feel I can leave him yet" and then you can reply "no problem, if we only get 2 or 3 coming then I'll let you know and you'd be welcome to stay"

Original poster
LetItGoHome · 18/01/2020 19:21

That's food for thought. Most think it's ok. The few that think it's not, that's fine too. I'm lucky to have 2 very outgoing children and even at 4 would be happy to be left at a party of a friend, if they wanted to go to the party. Even if they didn't know the parents all that well. They would be to excited about the party to take a look back for me. But I know all children are different.
Saying that I will definitely look in to the soft play as an option.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 18/01/2020 20:30

And I do think to expect this for 4 and 5 yo is unreasonable and slightly cruel an expectation.

Eh ? "Cruel", to invite dc that have been going to school together for 20 odd weeks, even if none of them were used to attending Nursery, to a party Confused

SoloMummy · 18/01/2020 20:34

@BackforGood
At school they're familiar with one another, the building and adults. For a 4 yo to be expected to have to choose between being upset/uncomfortable /anxious to attend a party or not go is cruel and unnecessary.

RachelEllenR · 18/01/2020 20:37

My daughter (still at pre school) went to a small party today and we were asked to drop and go - but only his good friends were invited and we've met up a few times to play together so I know the parents somewhat so was very happy she'd be ok without me. I think it's fine and, like you say, they can decline if they aren't comfortable!

DDiva · 18/01/2020 20:46

I think it depends on how well you know the parents. I or my dd would not have been happy dropping and leaving with people we dont know. My dd had her first requested drop off party this year for a 6th party but all the mums socialise and know each other very well now.

BackforGood · 18/01/2020 22:15

You are being ridiculous SoloMummy

Of course it's not "cruel" to invite a child to a party.

If the child is so anxious they can't go to a school friend's house, then you can decline, but it is not "cruel" to invite someone to a party. What utter tosh. Hmm

User123538025264653412 · 18/01/2020 22:21

It's not cruel. I'm sure the parents will be able to judge if it will be too much for their child and if so will just decline (or leave their number and be ready to pop back if there's an issue). I would say if you do this definitely keep it under 10 and closer to 5. It's easier to control your own child that you know than loads of over excited kids you don't know so keep it small and manageable.

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