to Be upset for my child and think we deserve better

[Shockedmama]

My daughter is 9 and has had long standing friend ship issues at school. Most of the time the 2 girls gang up on her and isolate her. She belonged to a sports club in which these 2 And another girl whose mum I am friends with belonged. My daughter left as they were not very nice to her.
My friend is more than aware of this situation but has started to invite these girls over to hers which impacts my daughter daughter school she gets Told nasty things that have been said etc and it’s really affecting her. I told my friend a while ago how I felt and She said it’s not going to change anything that’s going to happen and it feels like it’s getting worse. A number of things have happened to my daughter at school and now they have invited most others including a girl my daughter was friends with to their birthdays etc but not my daughter. My heart breaks for her every time she moves on they seem to take others away do I just move on and away even from my friend as it’s getting too hurtful to stand by and keep watching my daughter be hurt time and time again. Honestly feel like just ghosting my so called ‘friend’ right now but maybe I’m being to over protective

I’m not just thinking it Iv home into the school
Multiple times and I have addressed it with my friend in the first instance , hold my hands up to sometimes wondering if maybe it’s just girls but it’s been a roller coaster, that’s why I’m here asking for advice as I want to know if I’m a crazy neurotic mum or not! And now I definitely don’t think I am

My dds “friends” do this exclusion thing sometimes. It’s basic training in how to be a little bitch.

She has strengthened her friendships with the boys who are fab and we are focussing on upgrading friends at secondary in September. It’s laughable really as dd is incredibly beautiful socially adept intelligent and cool. Her mousy little friends “leaving her out” is a joke. She won’t see them for dust in September!

Op you have let this go on for far too long and have done your daughter a disservice.

I am not blaming you but I am saying your inactivity over this is bad. You said you looked at other schools a few years ago, your daughter will not get them years back and you should have bit the bullet and moved schools.

You have mentioned the scenario playing out again and again even when new people have moved to the school and become friends with your daughter only to have these friends taken away. As other have said it a power play but it horrible to have gone on for so long.

And why invite them to parties just compounding in with tacit approval.. I don't understand your reasoning at all.

Jump up and down at school, it won't do any good but it may help future children if the school have to look at themselves and their crap bullying policy

and start the process of finding and moving her to a new school.

And op that is not a friend you have described. End your so called friendship as she was just being cruel.

Then school are failing in their duty of care & your friends aren't listening.

Honestly, I'd find a new school as my experience is, this won't get better, only worse the more they get away with it. I'd also keep a close eye on anything like social media going forward & screenshot any nasty comments & send to the other parents with a strong warning that they either deal with their DS bullying behaviour or your next port of call will be the police.

In our case, the QB was very clever & manipulative & didn't like that DD saw through this & wouldn't pick on others at her say so, so we only once got evidence, which was a really cheeky email to me telling me DD was at fault not her. I replied pointing out that at least DD could spell the words she used & perhaps she'd fair better if she put more effort into learning, instead of picking in DD. The email to all the parents with evidence & threat of police soon stopped the bullying out of school & DD was much, much happier with her new school.

DD also stood up to & snacked hard the bigger of the girls when she started pushing her around at a party. DD was a stickler for school rules & would never retaliate at school, so this was a real shock & this girl never picked on her again.

I was a bullied child and my parents moved me to a different school. At the new school, I was able to heal and become an entirely different person. There is no other way. How would you feel if you went to the office each day and people treated you the way people are treating your daughter? It is horrifying to contemplate. The reason you are feeling upset is because you should feel upset. You care for your child. But don[t wring your hands and feel helpless. She's living in hell. And you have the power to get her out of it. Either go to the school and make them do their fucking jobs by making it a safe environment for all the children, or get her the hell out of there.

This happened to my daughter a few years back. They were all friends in cheerleading, when my daughter left that club but still saw them in school, they excluded her from everything. I told her to find other friends. She eventually found loners on the playground who had been treated badly by the same group. Over time they have formed into a large group of bubbly girls and boy. Their group is bigger then the cheerleaders which has stopped the shoulder barging, death stares and insults. One has even moved over and joined them, because they have fun. I'm sorry your child is going through this, it's horrible. Ask her if there are any other children she can get to know, she will find her group of friends.

Durgasarrow sorry to hear about your experience but thank you for sharing. I’m glad it was a good experience for you. Iv been looking st all the negatives of her moving, I hate to think of her lost in a new environment with no one but she actually is stronger than I realise and this isn’t better than what is happening now.

We listen to the song Mean by Taylor Swift when dd has a bad day with them it always cheers us up!

To a point you are being very unreasonable. Children have every right to decide who is going to their friend and who they hang out. It’s not bullying nor exclusionary. It’s a fact of life. You aren’t going to be friends with everyone even as adults. The only part you are not unreasonable about is your child finding out what they said at school. I’m sure it hurts your daughter. You need to find a way to boost your daughter’s self esteem. I’m not sure what talking to the school is going to accomplish. They aren’t going to make those kids play with your daugjter

Your poor daughter and you -it must be so hard to watch this happening.

In all honesty, I really would look at a change of school. You say she goes to one club that she loves so the issue really is with these girls.

Leaannb

You minimise this too much - why🤔,
you are wrong. It is officially classed as bullying...

www.bullying.co.uk/advice-for-young-people/social-bullying/

To a point you are being very unreasonable. Children have every right to decide who is going to their friend and who they hang out. It’s not bullying nor exclusionary

They don’t have the right to be mean and nasty. They don’t have the right to make kids dread going to school, or keep them up all night crying.

These girls know exactly what they are doing. Bullying kids grow up to be bullying adults.

The only difference is others swerve to avoid them.

My daughter outrightedly says people should be able To do what they want she even recognised she has people over and doesn’t invite everyone the difference is that my daughter is then told that they have sat and said things about her looks her weight and told she cannot join in activities with the group she normally plays with as she wasn’t at there Etc, yes people do have the right to play with who they want including her however when she does the person she is playing with gets told a pack of lies about my daughter in a bid to stop her having friends!

@GreenTulips I said the nasty remarks were bullying I flat out said that. But not inviting people to things or not playing with them is NOT bullying. People even children have the right to have their own relationships with whoever they want. If little sisieTrina and George don’t like your kid,has nothing in common with them it’s not bullying That’s life. You aren’t going to be friends with everybody. Even in the adult world The only thing people are entitled to is being treated humanely and respect. That doesn’t include making people be friends. This idea is setting children up for failure. It feeds their entitlement that they belong and deserve to friendly with everyone and invited to everything. For instance, my son has a friendship group of 8. He invites 2 to sleep over and to skating. Is he being a bully because he didn’t invite the rest of the friend group? Of course not

Simile is happening to my friends child. She’s two levels up from a little group of girls in her class at a hobby and had done a couple of adverts on tv, just for fun really. She’s very pretty, very petite and very polite and won’t ever stand up for herself. They’ve all started at a Kumon type tutoring place but my friends little girl gets private tutoring from another friend who’s a primary teacher with like a 80% 11+ pass rate and they tell her she’s going to fail her 11+ because she’s not going to ‘their tutor’ and stuff like that.

She has been told to ‘jump off a bridge’ by a little girl who is so laughably desperate to be like her but is like a ‘Poundland version’. Sounds harsh about a kid but this is basically a blander, less talented kid who is obviously desperately jealous. Her little brother plays on the academy for a big football team too and these ‘friends’ have even said he is ‘rubbish’ and how their dads say the team is rubbish. I bet they do! Their sons can’t even make the school team.

I actually watched at my friends little girls’ trampolining party that all the girls in the class were Invited to - she was doing flips and all this cool stuff, not showing off, doing it with a male cousin or hers who also does gymnastics & dance type stuff, they were little green with envy and then the whispering and leaving out started.

I think jealousy is a massive problem with little girls around 7-12. There’s a personality type that seem to not be able to cope with any sort of ‘bettering’ of what they do and it comes from insecurity. And parents feed into it by telling them how amazing they are when they actually might not be.

I hate to think of her lost in a new environment with no one

At the moment she's lost in a known environment with no one. Be a parent, not her friend. Make the best decision for her. Stop giving a shit about her bullies.

Stop giving a shit about her bullies

agreed..

But not inviting people to things or not playing with them is NOT bullying

There’s a difference between ‘we’re all going to Mary’s house for tea and you aren’t coming’ to ‘let’s face time mini and post pictures of all us having a great time’ or ‘were going to ax adventure park and Mary’s mum said you aren’t allowed’

You obviously have never had a child who’s been bullied by one of these ‘types’

MOVE HER AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE! Sorry for shouting, but honestly, the wrong combination of girls can be so toxic. I wish I'd moved my daughter at the same stage - she was adamant she didn't want to move and had 3 years of horrific bullying as a result.

She went to a completely different secondary school deliberately and is thriving. The girls involved had one vile queen bee who spread rumours, and the others all went along with it. Individually they're not horrible girls, but the pack mentality is so strong at that age and the desire to fit in often beats the knowledge that they are involved, even passively, in bullying.

As far as having no friends at the new school goes, my experience is that new kids are usually buddied up, and the other kids are keen to get to know them. I know a couple of kids who were bullied and thought themselves friendless, but found that they were accepted and liked in a new school.

I really hope you go for it.

Thanks everyone lots of positive stories about moving schools which is good to hear

I was bullied in school. My parents got the board of governors involved in the end and the bullies were expelled and the head got a telling off.
I would escalate it to the board of governors if the school staff aren’t willing to help. Kids can be so bloody cruel.

Leann you are taking about something else entirely. Don’t give two hoots about being invited or not everyone does that.

DD’s cute little darlings will just blank her all day for no reason whatsoever leaving her baffled. Then all fine again the next day and they blank someone else . Or invite the group bar dd or one other to a sleepover and spend all day discussing it in front of uninvited and crowing over what fun they will gave. When dd invites a few for a sleepover she’s careful not to mention it to the uninvited. They are 10/11 so quite able to understand what they are doing.

Transferring your DD can be a positive move. I saw this in action with one lovely girl who was being picked on; when her parents moved her, she ended up in another school where I was also teaching! Naturally, I said nothing about the bullying, simply greeting her warmly and telling the other children that we knew each other already.
I had never been able to fathom why she was being picked on (jealousy? mind games?) at the original school, but she settled in rapidly, made some good friends and moved on to our local high school as part of a happy, stable group.
I would also second the suggestion made by other PP's of having other chances to be in a friendship group outside school, so that she can see for herself that the first group are not the centre of the universe!

OP would you consider putting your dd in brownie, or even cubs ? It can be really great for confidence and if you moved schools you might find kids from her new school attend and it’s a way to connect.

She’s in brownies and loves it she has a great set of friends there