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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to Be upset for my child and think we deserve better

77 replies

Shockedmama · 18/01/2020 12:06

My daughter is 9 and has had long standing friend ship issues at school. Most of the time the 2 girls gang up on her and isolate her. She belonged to a sports club in which these 2 And another girl whose mum I am friends with belonged. My daughter left as they were not very nice to her.
My friend is more than aware of this situation but has started to invite these girls over to hers which impacts my daughter daughter school she gets Told nasty things that have been said etc and it’s really affecting her. I told my friend a while ago how I felt and She said it’s not going to change anything that’s going to happen and it feels like it’s getting worse. A number of things have happened to my daughter at school and now they have invited most others including a girl my daughter was friends with to their birthdays etc but not my daughter. My heart breaks for her every time she moves on they seem to take others away do I just move on and away even from my friend as it’s getting too hurtful to stand by and keep watching my daughter be hurt time and time again. Honestly feel like just ghosting my so called ‘friend’ right now but maybe I’m being to over protective

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 18/01/2020 13:13

She knew one girl from a club but they weren’t friends as such.

She had raster days at the new school and on the first day after school 5 kids turned up at ours to play/play out.

She has a great summer with her new friends ready for September.

Original poster
Shockedmama · 18/01/2020 13:15

I know in I’m not blaming her at all but part of me thinks is there’s anything I can do to help her stands ip to it as I’m scared it will happen again but then I look at her in other settings and she is fine!

OP posts:
Original poster
Shockedmama · 18/01/2020 13:19

I would love that for my daughter she so badly wants a friend to play with that isn’t going to just turn on her or make her feel bad. They even take her belongings out of her drawer at school! I cannot wait for her to never see them again

OP posts:
Mindovermatter1625 · 18/01/2020 13:19

My daughter faced a similar situation last year, it was devastating to watch her hurt and manipulated. My daughter would regularly just watch other children play as she had no one to play with, she had no play dates and was becoming increasing isolated and really unhappy.

After much consideration I moved her school, not easy as I have a settled child in the upper years of the first school and now have to accommodate 2 different schools . My advice would be to move schools ASAP, it has been the best move ever for my daughter and she feels free and happy, she has a new group of friends, made since August, and the entire new school environment is very supportive and kind. I wish I had moved her years ago to save what she went through but she is happy and loving her time now at school. She has a lovely group she feels part of. In my experience it doesn’t matter how hard you try if girls are going to exclude others you can’t change that, some schools are terrible at dealing with these issues and others seem to be excellent at promoting kindness and friendship. It’s been a breath of fresh air in our lives. Please consider a move it teaches our children you can try to be resilient but sometimes that resilience means making a move to find something better. Good luck, oh and ditch the non friend

GreenTulips · 18/01/2020 13:21

This girl loves the attention she’ll be showing off and getting in others faces.

She be ‘best friends’ with whom ever is likely to have a birthday coming up so she can push for an invite.

She’ll make a beeline for any new kid in the class.

She loves ‘power games’ you can’t have a sweet, you can, you cant play today, you can, I’m not inviting you to my party.

She’ll be slightly naughty in a cheeky way .... am I close?

BumbleBeee69 · 18/01/2020 13:22

This isn’t what I want to do but both me and my daughter don’t like doing things like that as feel bad! Iv always invited said child despite her being vile to my child I’m not doing so this year Iv always tried to be inclusive cannot bear to think of children being left out

OP you need to grow a pair because whilst you're pussy footing around making sure none of the bullies are not left out.. your DD is suffering the most appalling treatment at their hands...

She learns her responses from YOU OP.... you're not helping by inviting the kids to her parties FFS?! Pull her out of every after school activity they are involved in.. take her to another town and join new activities.. give her a fighting chance to make new friends away from the school setting...

I agree with everyone on here.. you MUST engage the school... give them a chance to resolve this.. failing that MOVE her to a new school. fresh start.. she needs your help OP..

and as for YOUR so called 'Mate' tell her to go fuck herself... Flowers

GreenTulips · 18/01/2020 13:22

I have a settled child in the upper years of the first school and now have to accommodate 2 different schools

I had 3 in 3 different schools and would do it again in a heart beat! Hard to do ordinate but possible.

Original poster
Shockedmama · 18/01/2020 13:24

Thanks I will definitely look at a move maybe just go and see a few schools. I did look a few years back when this started but thought I could make it work. I just worry she might not struggle in a new environment as she struggles with change

OP posts:
ImNotACuntYoureACunt · 18/01/2020 13:24

Your friend is not your friend by the sounds of it so cut her off. If you haven’t gone in to discuss with anyone from the school please do. Your daughter is being bullied and it needs stamping out, which can’t and won’t happen if the relevant people don’t know what’s going on or at least how bad it is.

Original poster
Shockedmama · 18/01/2020 13:26

Green tulips 100% yes she regularly brings stuff into school that some can have some cannot.
She’s very forthright and always tries to get my d d in trouble . As soon as my d d has a friend that girl will
Get invited to her house!

OP posts:
Mindovermatter1625 · 18/01/2020 13:27

Just to add, go and visit local schools, find out about spaces, get on waiting lists ask them to hold you a place ( where we are they can hold for a term) try to get a trial day, see what your daughter thinks, mine came out of a 2 hour trial saying she loved it. It was the hardest decision I ever made, I was physically ill deciding but the relief now is immense.

GreenTulips · 18/01/2020 13:28

I’ll bet you £1 her mothers the same and very loud and vocal.

pineing · 18/01/2020 13:29

How well do you get on with the other mother?

If you are good friends, then perhaps it might be worth mentioning to her that your dd is being bullied and you don't like to say by who, but these are some of the things that are being said. It might also be a good idea to ask her not to talk to her dd about it, as your dd is being excluded from friendship groups and you wouldn't want to put her dd in a difficult position with the bullies either.

It might make her sit up and think.

contrary13 · 18/01/2020 13:30

"Iv always invited said child despite her being vile to my child"

And there you have a reason as to why your "friend" is minimising her child's behaviour/part in this bullying of your child. The more a bully is allowed to get away with - they'll do so. And, worse, by far, is when their target's parent sides with them, over their own child's mental well-being/physical welfare.

If you feel like "ghosting" this other mother, your so-called friend, do so. Because she is allowing the bullying of your daughter to continue, rather than teaching her own child how to have compassion for and empathy with others. Maybe she's frightened of her child being turned on, but... I don't know. Perhaps then, your "friend" would have some compassion for and empathy with you and your daughter. Flowers

GreenTulips · 18/01/2020 13:30

And a tip if you do move ... tell your DD to watch out for the pushy girl trying to be friends first and go for a quieter group.

Makes life easier in the long run.

Original poster
Shockedmama · 18/01/2020 13:30

Yes the mother is! Iv tried to speak to her but blame just gets shifted on to my d d so there is no point even trying with her

OP posts:
Original poster
Shockedmama · 18/01/2020 13:32

Contrary my line of thinking in inviting her was at least then she wouldn’t target my child for being left out! And my d d has always had big parties wheee the whole class is invited so Iv felt I couldn’t leave her out, buy your right I should have been a bit braver I just didn’t want my d d facing any wrath

OP posts:
Mindovermatter1625 · 18/01/2020 13:36

If I learnt anything it was that I am the parent and it’s my job to make decisions for the benefit of my child. At first my dd was reluctant to consider a move and scared but it was my decision for her long term wellbeing. By all means engage with school but make it clear you are unhappy with their previous response to the issues highlighted and it need addressed otherwise you will need to find an environment that takes your daughters wellbeing seriously.

I think with the attitude of the other parent things aren’t going to change as She is part of the issue,

Sittings · 18/01/2020 13:43

As soon as my d d has a friend that girl will get invited to her house!

This will be the mother's doing, no doubt. Is it this girl's mum who you are friendly with? What's she like? Tell us a bit more about your friendship with this mum. How does she treat you? Do you have things (money / nice husband / nice house / nice car / better education) than them? Is you dd more talented / better at school etc than the bully girl? This is all very likely due to the mother's competitiveness and feelings of insecurity.

I know a mum just like this. She has to be better than me and her kids have to do better at everything, have more friends etc.

This mum is unhealthily competitive, and derives her satisfaction from her kids outperforming other dc.

Whatever activity my dc start and are seen to do well, she will instantly get her kids to start the same thing, think piano / ballet /language lesson absolute whatever. If my dc has a playdate with a new friend, sure enough this crazy mum will arrange one the next week when she or her dc had never been interested before. Whenever I speak to another mum at school, she will barge in, disrupt and focus the interaction on herself.

Pathological levels of envy, I think. .

Funnily her dd is starting to become just like her Hmm.

Best thing to do is play her at this game but also speak to school. Exclude her dd and teach your dd to put this girl in her place.

Original poster
Shockedmama · 18/01/2020 13:49

Sittings your spot on my d d is very good at school she exceeds most things I never ever mention it as I know it can rub people up the wrong way but actually one of the things that started this was my d d got an award, and funnily enough the mum texted me to congratulate me (I never told anyone) and I thought she was being really nice at the time. I remember that week my d d came home miserable and I couldn’t understand why as she had won a great award but this other girl had been putting her and the award down.
Yes exactly the same it’s draining I’m in the lucky position where I don’t have much to do with it but my d d loves it every single day!

OP posts:
Original poster
Shockedmama · 18/01/2020 13:51

I think the thing is the last few years Iv become a bit of a doormat and so I should have addressed things before but some of the times Iv flipped between it’s really bad and then maybe it’s just girls. I think it’s emotional abuse though and my daughter just doesn’t have that level of manipulation in her

OP posts:
RockinHippy · 18/01/2020 13:52

YABVU to just think this & do nothing.

Your DD is being bullied. It's called social bullying & it sounds like the school are not doing anything like enough to tackle the issue. You need to kick some educational ass & remind the other parents that their kids will soon be at the age if criminal responsibility, so they had better get their shit together & start teaching their DDs that this sort of behaviour is not acceptable & bullying can be illegal.

I'd seriously consider moving schools too. I did fight the school & then some, but the damage was done & they were just ineffective with how they tackled bullying & my biggest regret is that I didn't take my daughter out of their at the first sign of trouble as my DD was badly affected for years.

Though individual apologies from most of the girls since they've grown & the queen bee desperately trying to be DDs friend to make herself look cooler (DDs style is very individual & alternative now & QB very basic & now living out of town in an area that sees where we live as way cooler) - have massively helped DDs self esteem

MsTSwift · 18/01/2020 13:52

God hope op “friend” and sittings are the same person and there is not more than one of these maniacs around

RockinHippy · 18/01/2020 13:53

Urgh, grammar fail 🙄

RockinHippy · 18/01/2020 13:56

Reading further comments makes sense to me too. My DD was also very bright, excelled at school, could sing, good at art etc & recognised fir it by her teachers. This was used against her by the QB to wind others up against her. QB was also bright, but insecure & couldn't stand competition