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Original poster

*Possible trigger warning* cremation service for pregnancy loss, do I go? Have you been?

37 replies

SaveTheGingerBreadMen · 18/01/2020 10:24

I lost a pregnancy late last year and had to have surgical management.

I've just received a letter in the post today about a cremation service for the loss and opportunity to bring flowers and possibly receive ashes etc...

I am so torn. I'm still so heartbroken and fragile but as daft as it may sound, part of me feels wrong leaving my angel with no one there on the day to say a proper goodbye.

I don't know what to do. Has anyone been before? Did you regret going or not going? I honestly just don't know what would be best for me.

OP posts:
Bluebelltulip · 18/01/2020 10:28

I had a different situation but my DD2 was stillborn last year and we had a funeral for her, it was tough but I'm glad I did it. We now have her ashes at home and have had some made into rings for me and my DH. There is no right or wrong thing to do and it's your personal decision. Sorry for your loss.

bobstersmum · 18/01/2020 10:44

Sorry I have no advice but so sorry for your loss FlowersFlowers

NaviSprite · 18/01/2020 10:57

OP I’m so sorry for your loss. I agree with bluebell I lost my second DS to stillbirth last year and we had a funeral for him, it was really hard, the day brought a lot of surpressed emotions to the surface but I felt afterwards that it was necessary for some level of closure, but that’s what worked for me and I don’t think I’d have forgiven myself if I didn’t go. It’s about what’s right for you at this stage, be kind to yourself OP Flowers.

@Bluebelltulip I’m so sorry for your loss Flowers.

Original poster
SaveTheGingerBreadMen · 18/01/2020 11:05

Thank you Flowers I don't know if I'm just being silly, it was only 12 weeks. I honestly don't know what to do for the best. I almost wish I hadn't received this letter as I was starting slowly to feel better.

I'm so sorry to both of you ❤️

OP posts:
GoodnightJude1 · 18/01/2020 11:09

You’re not being silly at all, please don’t think that.
I think it’s such a personal decision. Only you can decide if you think it’s something that will heal or hurt. I hope whichever you decide helps you in the long run 💐

Knitwit99 · 18/01/2020 11:16

part of me feels wrong leaving my angel with no one there on the day to say a proper goodbye

That doesn't sound daft at all, I think I would feel the same.

I would have liked the chance to do something like this, it was never offered to me. Just a bit of time out to think about your baby and the life you all might have had together and to say goodbye.

Babynumber2dueNov · 18/01/2020 11:22

If you have any doubt on wanting to go then you probably should. Having the experience be painful will be an awful memory but regretting going would be worse IMO. Really feel for you, so very hard xxx

Chamomileteaplease · 18/01/2020 11:22

I can understand the letter making you feel worse. I too have lost a pregnancy at 12 weeks and although of course it is sad and disappointing and many other horrible things, I really don't thing you need a cremation service for the foetus. I have never heard of such a thing. Much better to heal at home. Flowers

moonriverandme · 18/01/2020 11:23

I am so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. Our baby was stillborn 32 years ago and we had a church service followed by cremation. Although it was awful at the time and I sobbed through the whole thing I am so grateful that we had the opportunity to say goodbye and to acknowledge his all too brief existence. I would go if at all possible and if you are not with the father perhaps take a trusted friend or relative to support you. FlowersFlowers

LatteLover12 · 18/01/2020 11:24

I went to the service for the baby I lost at 12 weeks OP.

There were about 20 people there, it was a humanist (non religious) service and I felt that it was the right thing to do. It felt like saying goodbye to my baby.

We laid flowers in the remembrance garden afterwards.

Hope that's helpful. Sorry for your loss x

PurpleDaisies · 18/01/2020 11:28

Chamomile it’s really not for you to tell someone who is grieving that they should manage it at home.

Op it’s your decision. There’s no right or wrong way forward. Sorry for your loss. Flowers

Crunchymum · 18/01/2020 11:29

I agree with @Chamomileteaplease (I've had 5 losses by the way, but none as late at 12 weeks thankfully!!)

I've never heard of this, surely it's not the standard?

This could rake up so many upsetting feelings, especially if it comes out of the blue? Its sounds as though this was completely unexpected for you @SaveTheGingerBreadMen ?

However, you need to do what is best for yourself. Your "angel" was loved and is being grieved regardless of whether you attend a service?

Do they tell you anything else about the service? Where is it? Is it just for you? I'm sorry to ask such questions but as I say I've never heard of it before.

bridgetreilly · 18/01/2020 11:31

If you're still feeling heartbroken about it, then I would definitely say go. It will help you to say goodbye, to still feel sad, but be able to move forward.

weddingdrama123 · 18/01/2020 11:32

We lost our baby at 12 weeks last summer. I was surprised when the hospital offered private or group cremation as I didn't realise this was a thing. We didn't attend a service, but it really helped me knowing that my baby (even though it was very early) is with my grandparents at the crematorium and I can visit a special baby rock they have there. I haven't been but I know it's there if I need it.

We did buy a garden decoration though which represents our loss, only me and DP know the meaning behind it as I know a lot of people still think of it as a bit strange after only 12 weeks but it helped us.

weddingdrama123 · 18/01/2020 11:35

@Crunchymum I think it's only offered if you have a D and C. I was asked before the op what we wanted to do.

RoyalChocolat · 18/01/2020 11:35

We chose to have a funeral with a cremation for the baby we lost at 18 weeks.
We live in France and it's either a full funeral, or the baby is incinerated as medical waste with no possibility of a service Sad
I think if you are on the fence you should plan on going. You can always leave if it doesn't feel right.

BettysLeftTentacle · 18/01/2020 11:43

OP I work for a service that offers similar to parents of lost babies. It’s a very personal decision. I know that many people find it comforting and gain a sense of closure but please be reassured that if you decide not to go, that is entirely ok. Some people find that just knowing the date and time is enough. I’ve lost pregnancies myself way back when, and I wish I had the opportunity to be a part of saying goodbye in some way.

@Chamomileteaplease you're way off the mark actually. People experience miscarriage (as with all things in life) differently and actually, a miscarriage at 12 weeks or less can be terribly traumatic. The results of a study into PTSD experienced by the parents were published just this week and the conclusion is heartbreaking. On the other side to this, if a miscarriage is completed at a hospital, the hospital must treat the baby (and it’s fetus btw not foetus) with dignity and respect no matter the gestation of the loss (plenty of material online for you to research why Trusts do this and what happened to make this so). As a result, these cremation services happen or sometimes a burial. I for one, am so glad and proud in this shift towards recognising loss no matter the circumstances. It’s an important move in the right direction to support women and their families properly.

BettysLeftTentacle · 18/01/2020 11:45

or the baby is incinerated as medical waste with no possibility of a service

This is not allowed to happen in the UK anymore. This is how these services came about.

MaintainTheMolehill · 18/01/2020 11:57

We went to ours OP and it made it all very real which wasn't a good thing for me. It was a burial though not a cremation. I felt I had no choice as like you I didn't want there to be noone there. When speaking to a midwife she has heard that mine is a common view and she has had many women who have felt the same way.

I'm really sorry for your loss and hope tge future brings happiness Flowers

Treaclepie19 · 18/01/2020 12:00

I'm so sorry for your loss.
We lost a baby in December 2018 (TFMR) and we had a funeral for him. It was the right thing for us.

Original poster
SaveTheGingerBreadMen · 18/01/2020 12:06

Thank you everyone for the replies.

I will speak to DH about it when he gets home and see what he wants to do as well.

In regards to it being a surprise, I know they asked me if I wanted to make my own arrangements or it I wanted the hospital to deal with it themselves. I said I wanted them to. I don't recall them telling me I'd be informed of the date/asked to attend anything but then I wasn't paying too much attention in all stress and upset I was in at the time.

I am actually pregnant again now (very very early) so I know DH will worry about that. But it still feels wrong to me to do nothing and just go to work like a normal day when my baby is being remembered somewhere else.

I might suggest me and DH do our own remembering somewhere else but on the same dat. Maybe take some flowers to a nice hill and remember on our own. I don't know. I just feel I should do something.

OP posts:
HaileySherman · 18/01/2020 12:08

@chamomileteaplease I see what you're saying. Your point of view is as valid as everyone else's. And was asked for by the OP. I don't think you're off the mark or out of place offering your very similar experience and how you felt. I'm sorry for your loss. OP, it's such an individual thing, and I am sorry for your loss.

Christmaspug · 18/01/2020 12:38

I don’t know if I’m allowed an opinion,as it’s never happened to me ,but I think I would want to be there ,to say goodbye,you might regret it later on if you didn’t.im sorry for your loss 💐

Fallofrain · 18/01/2020 12:53

Honestly it really depends on you. There is no right way or wrong way about these things.

Its okay to not go. You can mourn your baby in whatever way feels right, you dont have to go to a specific service or place at a certain date or time to do so.

Some people feel great comfort from services etc others dont. Its the same with graves, i have family members who find great comfort in having a headstone to visit etc and others that find no solace in it what so ever and hate the idea.

Personally i really like doing things in my own way. I wouldnt have a certain place to go, because i like to have a moveable place that means something for me eg a local quiet beauty spot rather than a place that to me is too associated with death.

Speak to your husband and talk it through, please dont be trapped into feeling you must go "else you'll regret it" but equally if this feels the right way of marking your little one then do it.

UndertheCedartree · 18/01/2020 13:13

I have done it and it helped. The ashes were scattered in the children's garden at the crematorium.

I'm sorry your baby died Flowers