*Possible trigger warning* cremation service for pregnancy loss, do I go? Have you been?

[SaveTheGingerBreadMen]

I lost a pregnancy late last year and had to have surgical management.

I've just received a letter in the post today about a cremation service for the loss and opportunity to bring flowers and possibly receive ashes etc...

I am so torn. I'm still so heartbroken and fragile but as daft as it may sound, part of me feels wrong leaving my angel with no one there on the day to say a proper goodbye.

I don't know what to do. Has anyone been before? Did you regret going or not going? I honestly just don't know what would be best for me.

We lost our twins at 18 weeks gestation.
It was really important for us as a family to have a funeral-like religious service and cremation.
It gave us a chance to mourn and say goodbye to our baby boys.

However we chose to leave the ashes with the crematorium and not claim them, because we didn't want the responsibility of a 'place' (of rest) which we would then feel guilty for not visiting and not maintaining properly.

Betty can you link to the research about pregnancy loss and PTSD please?

I experienced severe PTSD after a late loss year ago, when PTSD wasn't as well understood as it is now.

It was years later than I could name it as PTSD, following a locum GP saying something about how traumatic this type of loss was.

It would have been so helpful for HCPs to firstly, have taken the emotional impact more seriously and secondly, to have named what I was going through as PTSD.

'Bad luck' was the term they most often used...

Op I have had 3 losses (11 weeks, 8-10 weeks and 6-8 weeks) and I went to this service for each of them.

I found it really helpful and I’m glad I went. They gave me a small token gift of Forgot Me Not flower seeds to plant each time and on the third loss, on finding out it was my third service (and only 3 parents turned up) they gave me a flower from the casket which I have pressed and framed on my wall.

Now I feel like I can visit the baby garden where the ashes get scattered to mourn and I take a flower just like the one they gave me.

A loss at any stage is still a loss Thinking of you

I've had 4 miscarriages and had medical management for all of them. The first 2 I was at home so it wasn't an option. After the third I went to the service. I found it really helpful because I felt it helped to validate my feelings, and reduce my thoughts that I had been overreacting. I also used it as a way to say goodbye I suppose to the previous 2. I was offered it again after my 4th but chose not to that time, not for any particular reason. Afterwards I went and got 3 bird tattoos in memory.

I felt the service was done really well. I went on my own because DH didn't want to go. I think there was one other person there alone.

I don't think there is a right or wrong answer. Maybe just make sure you are available to go and then you could see how you feel on the day?

I wish you all the best with this pregnancy.

Just to add, due to the early gestation they were all group cremations that had every baby lost under a certain age in one casket. There could be 20 babies in the casket but only 4 parents turn up to the service. Terminated babies are included. The service is held the last Thursday of every month (where I live) and anyone is welcome.

Each time I went, there was a couple of people who turned up to support grieving parents if they so wished and say goodbye to the babies who had noone there.

No losses are treated as medical waste and they are all cremated, I find a lot of comfort in that. I remember through my first loss being beside myself thinking they would put baby in a medical waste bin.

I think the way it is all treated now is amazing.

I had 3 late stage miscarriages and one still born just over 30 years ago. I have no photos or keepsakes, nothing to show they ever "existed" (existed is maybe the wrong word but in my mind they did). I have no idea what happened to them or where they are now. I so wish ceremonies like the one you describe OP had happened then as a way of coming to terms with the grief and pain I suffered each time. If nothing else it would have been a chance to say a proper "goodbye".

It was in the news just this week @keeponrunning85 and made the headlines.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.bbc.com/news/amp/health-51093999

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.independent.co.uk/life-style/women/miscarriage-ectopic-pregnancy-loss-ptsd-depression-symptoms-a9284066.html%3famp

www.tommys.org/our-organisation/about-us/charity-news/early-miscarriage-and-ectopic-pregnancy

The research itself:

bmjopen.bmj.com/content/6/11/e011864

Thanks for posting.

I had a loss at 22 weeks last year and had the same option from the NHS and didn’t go, I felt it would make me feel worse and give more trauma to reflect on in years to
come. Everyone is different I have no regrets.

Thank you to those who agreed with me and sorry to those who didn't Betty, I didn't mean to upset anyone. I agree that everyone must do as they wish, of course. It is an individual thing and what is right for one person may not be right for another.

Savethegingerbreadmen I hope after talking to your husband that it becomes clear what it is you would like to do and I hope you find some peace.

We lost 3 babies. One of which at 16weeks (had to go though labour for her etc). They organised cremation etc and we were offered to go and to remembrance service for all lost babies at the hospital chapel. We didn't go and opted for her ashes to be spread in the flowerbed where all the baby angels are scattered. We thought that would be nice for her to be with others so she wasn't alone.
Now have rainbow baby here and at peace with our decision.