To think their partner is putting them in a really difficult situation.

[surelyitcantgwtworsethanthis]

Was talking to a good friend recently who is VERY stressed at work. They are the main bread winner so stepping back or moving roles isn't an option. Their partner works 3days at a modestly earning role and has no aspirations to move/step up ever do anything else. However they enjoy the trappings of their partners money regardless if it's taking their DP to breaking point. AIBU to think it's time they stepped up? (No very young kids/illness etc) Good friend can step back into easier role, but their partner has made it clear that 'the family can't afford it'
DH and I are nearly 50/50 in earning capacity and I'd hate to be in the position of being stuck somewhere because the household relied on it.

Both partners being at same earnings if they have children is very rare.
However your friend's situation is obviously her business. And I can understand why he's reluctant to increase hours as 3 days imo is about perfect BUT it's coming at quite a high cost for your friend and ultimately she's the one who will have to have this discussion that either he picks up the slack so the family doesn't suffer or he will have to be the one most impacted on financially speaking as atm he is managing to to coast along and be financed.
I presume if working part time he does the majority of the housework etc?

I really struggle with posts which use ‘they’ as pronouns-it makes them unnecessarily difficult to read.

The higher stressed earner needs to tell the part time partner how stressed ‘they’ are and come to a compromise rather than moaning about it to you.

ExH and I split up for this very reason.
He did nothing round the house either.

More than a year down the track and I am so much happier now. Much less money (I’ve had to cut my hours drastically, and I pay him alimony) but the house is clean, I have time to myself, and I get to do things with the children.

Another thread where the OP goes to some lengths to avoid disclosing the sex of these people. Is this a thing now?

Anyway, loads of stuff to factor in, did the partner who is only doing 3 days take a hit on their career to be at home for the children when they were younger, how was that discussed/decided, is the full time partner prepared to pick up more of the household work and 'life admin', would working 5 days bring the part time partners earnings up to the same as the full time person, etc, etc?

I mean, on the face of it the partner doing 3 days should step up and increase their days, but if I knew the whole story I might change my mind.

Are there children involved?

Well I don't really see how it's your business but obviously if the higher earner is too stressed they need to step back and the family will have to tighten their belts.

YANBU although they should be communicating.

I’d feel so guilty if my partner was burning themselves out just so I can have an easy life.

My mum and dad were in this situation. My dad isn’t allowed to retire as my mum wants to keep her standard of living. She won’t work. When he took voluntary redundancy she refused to work or think of any creative ways to bring some money in.

My ex could have been your good friend.

When the children were born and very little, he really wanted me to be at home with them, doing all of the relentless daily grind that comes with having small children, because his career was taking off (we were in similar roles) and really, two of us couldn’t be pushing our careers, working the hours and the way he worked, and I agreed.

So I went part time, stalled my career and took over almost everything at home to make his life as easy as possible.

Lo and behold, 15 years later, when the kids were older teenagers, life was getting so much easier, all the shitwork was done, mostly by me, he decided I needed to step up, try and move on in my career and earn more so that he could reduce his hours, play more golf, go on more ski holidays with his friends, and get more of a work life balance. And he moaned about this to anyone that would listen, but didn’t give them the back story.

So I’d be very careful of listening and sympathising too much with your good friend unless you are in their relationship and know the history.

Kids 10 & 8.
No big back story in terms of career (someone stalked theirs) but no attempt to up their contribution past 3 days school hours. Life admin/chores split 50/50.
If one person was working part time + doing all the household/family responsibilities then that's different

Fuck sake.

I think that earning around the same level of money per hour as such can be quite hard but obviously one of them is not working FT and it’s the hours that are the issue.Assuming any dc are self sufficient teens or maybe even young adults.

Problem here is the specifics on their income and outgoings are not known nor the housework split. If the main breadwinner is at risk of burning out then it could mean illness and job loss and then everyone loses. It is the kind of issue that could breed real resentment and lead to a break up though. Assets have to be split so no one ends up with the same standard of living, well it’s rare anyway.

The main breadwinner needs meaningful communication with the partner.

I assume the PT person is doing childcare after school, that saves a huge amount of money. The PT person should do more than 50% chores that’s the only issue I can see the main breadwinner could complain about.

Eyes wide open has it nailed OP that now suddenly all the grunt work of young kids is over that the partner has managed alongside working they want them to take on the stress so they can have an easier life

The problem is here a misconception that the one who worked 3 days and looked after the children had an easy time of it this just isn’t true. Adjusting that and being realistic about what they are asking and coming up with a fairer way

Life admin/chores split 50/50.

There's no way you could possibly know this.

Why are you so involved in a colleague’s life OP ?

I agree with @EyesOpenWide that without a back story I wouldn't judge. Often the higher earner has had the benefit of a spouse at home doing, nappies, night wakings, toddler tantrums etc meanwhile totally staling their own career and their idea of splitting the chores 50-50 might be very subjective. If they've only worked part time for years their earning potential is likely to be fairly low and the 2 extra half days a week might not contribute much more to the household. It might also be the case that they'd expect to sort out all school holidays and child sick days, do all the "worry work" of the house.

You seem very invested in your colleague's personal life!

I have an uncle who would complain to all and sundry about his wife. Before I got to know her I thought she was a right gold digger. In fact my uncle felt it was reasonable that she contribute 50-50 towards bills despite having had a large career break to have the kids (he was the one who pushed for the their child). Since he was the higher earner he felt she should cover all housework (although he'd claim he was very helpful around the house), take time off when they were sick, do all parents evening, school plays etc. He was massively affronted when they got divorced and he didn't get to keep 100% of the house "that he payed for".

It doesn’t really have anything to do with you though, does it and I can’t imagine your very good friend’s wife (husband?!) would appreciate ‘them’ whinging to you about it?!

Unless of course you’re not writing about your friend at all, but instead about yourself...?

You are very overinvested in your colleagues personal life. You have only one side of the story and I would question your motives.

I agree that it depends on the back story to their current arrangement.

The lower earner has a school hours job. Does that mean that the higher earner hasn't had to worry about childcare during the school holidays or do any of the before/after school childcare?

"Was talking to a good friend recently who is VERY stressed at work."
Just think how much more stressed they would be if they also had to fit their job in around school hours and child illness.

"I'd hate to be in the position of being stuck somewhere because the household relied on it."
Has it not occurred to you that your friend's partner may also have been in that same position?

What everyone else said

"I'd hate to be in the position of being stuck somewhere because the household relied on it.

Surely almost everyone who works is in that position? Most of us wouldn't be able to suddenly leave our jobs or go part time because we need to pay mortgages etc.

DP and I work full time because the household relies on it. It's just one of the many decisions you have to make when you have kids and youre a family unit.

If the part time worker worked full time, they would need to deal with wraparound care for the kids as well as holiday clubs all throughout school holidays. They wouldn't necessarily have more money!

At the end of the day, though, this is something they need to discuss and work on together instead of bitching to their friends.

I had a similar conversation with DH recently (similar aged kids and I work 3 days a week with 1 day in the office) about going up days and going for a promotion. He was all for it until I pointed out exactly it would mean and how much extra he would take on. He would probably say life admin is split 50/50 and chores 70/30 but the truth is different because there is so much admin stuff that goes on without him being aware. Particularly in relation the children.

They are the main bread winner so stepping back or moving roles isn't an option

There are always options. My husband is the main breadwinner and due to work and life stresses he went job sharing for 2 years. Things were tight but we managed.

You don't really know what's going on with your friend and their relationship. And I don't know exactly what advice anyone can give you that will make a blind bit of difference to them.

Some people give out about their partners just to let off steam. I wouldn't get too wrapped up in it. It's between them to decide what works for their family. If they're not going to make changes then it doesn't matter what you or anyone here says or thinks.