To think their partner is putting them in a really difficult situation.

[surelyitcantgwtworsethanthis]

Was talking to a good friend recently who is VERY stressed at work. They are the main bread winner so stepping back or moving roles isn't an option. Their partner works 3days at a modestly earning role and has no aspirations to move/step up ever do anything else. However they enjoy the trappings of their partners money regardless if it's taking their DP to breaking point. AIBU to think it's time they stepped up? (No very young kids/illness etc) Good friend can step back into easier role, but their partner has made it clear that 'the family can't afford it'
DH and I are nearly 50/50 in earning capacity and I'd hate to be in the position of being stuck somewhere because the household relied on it.

And I agree, you seem very involved. To me it sounds like your friend (colleague?) is male, and maybe you fancy him and think his wife should be more understanding.

You simply cannot ever know what goes on in someone else's relationship. Regardless of what they tell you, you are still getting one side of the story, one perspective. And people always tend to make themselves out to be the hero of the situation.

Tell your friend if they want to reduce hours then discuss it at home, and do it. People manage. All the time.

Don't get involved! Where is that going to get you?

I would bet huge sums of money s/he's not doing 50/50 and is oblivious to the admin involved.
Unhappy person should suggest going to relate and talking this through.

YABU for thinking you have the full story.

Even if your friend is being totally honest with you, their partner will no doubt see things differently than they do.

I’ve seen it said on here that childcare wise, it’s easier before they start school because private nurseries etc are open long hours and year round. Schools do shorter days and term time only, meaning before and after school childcare is required, plus holidays. As the childcare needs aren’t the same all year round it’s harder to manage practically and financially and means a lot of juggling and stress for most people. Kids of 8 and 10 will most likely want to do hobbies and activities that they need taking to and picking up from. When they are at high school the childcare options disappear but most people aren’t comfortable leaving an 11 year old home alone for a full working day plus commute time at either end.

Jobs with flexibility around these issues often pay less. People will stay in a job with flexibility rather than risk taking a new job with better pay but possibly less flexibility.

If your friend is too stressed to continue in their current role, they have the option to reign in their lifestyle and take a pay cut. They seem to not want to but feel their partner should make up the difference in earnings.

'The family can't afford it' needs unpicking . There's a difference between 'can't pay the mortgage' and 'can't afford so many meals out and kids' activities'

You’re very invested in this friend’s personal life, OP

Or y’know, the OP is ‘asking for a friend’

Agree with many of the posters above that your colleague's OH probably has a very different perspective. I have worked 3 days a week since having DC, and we split the the household chores 70/30. I do pretty much all of the life admin (including running the DC to all their extra-curricular activities). We discussed me increasing my hours once DC2 starts school in September, this was initiated by me BTW. We quickly realised that it would actually make our lives more difficult in terms of wraparound childcare and holiday cover, so we've agreed to leave it for now and I will pick up more of the chores in my 2 days "off". My DH was totally on board with this and I don't think he realised how much stuff I do, because it just gets done!

If your colleague is that stressed out about being the breadwinner, then they need to discuss what change would work best for their family. It may be that they're living beyond their means and need to cut back. It may mean your colleague taking on more at home to facilitate their partner working longer hours. Whatever the reason, it's for them to have a conversation and not for you to assume you're getting an accurate picture of the circumstances.

I’ve had several years not working (make whatever judgements about that that you will). Prior to that I had a career, not just a job.

I now need to find a part time, school hours job. It’s virtually impossible. Whatever job I take will not be in my previous field, and it will not be a career. It will end up being low paid, no progression work.

Once I’m doing that kind of job it will be just as difficult to get back to my previous career as it currently it is.

Without all the backstory, context, history, and also current info about the jobs they have plus their finances how on earth can a load of anonymous internet people say whether either of them is being unreasonable?

Whether you’re a close friend or not, you’ve still only got one side of the tale, and I guarantee there’s a ton of stuff that’s led up to this point, which you won’t be privy to.

My dh has a job he hates, with some anti-social working hours. He works fairly long hours but he also earns good money from this job. Before children I was earning about 2/3 of what he earns. We both agreed that I would give up work when my second dc was born 2.5 years ago. So I do almost 100% of the housework, cooking, chores etc and 100% of the child stuff. He does 100% of the money earning, and he also does at least does 70% of the life admin stuff (I'm happy to take more of this on but he doesn't trust me to do it. He hasn't said this but it's my take on his explanation).

He's recently been saying that he thinks I should go back to work part time as the money would be "useful". For the record, we don't "need" the money. He'd just like to save it up for a rainy day. I've said that I'd happily go back to work part time but seeing as when I last worked part time I was still working 50+ hours a week and that the child related stuff, housework etc would need to be split differently to account for my changing role in the family. This resulted in a huge argument where my dh made it clear that he wouldn't want to be able to contribute any further time to the children and the housework. So he basically wants me to work 50+ hours a week, do almost 100% of the childcare, almost 100% of the household chores (cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing), 30% of life admin chores, be the person to take time off work when the children are ill, school plays etc. Whilst his role stays the same working 50+ hours a week and doing 70% life admin. So I've told him that I'm not prepared to return to work until he's prepared to split our roles more fairly. He's not mentioned it since. His dad has recently implied that I'm taking my dh for a ride and that I live a cushy life funded by my dh.

It's very easy being on the outside looking in and assuming a situation is something that it isn't. And unless you're one of the people involved than I wouldn't think it would be any of your business.

We all know youre a man complaining about your wife because she works part time and you work full time. 10 and 8 yos still need a lot of care.
Stop being such an arsehole. She does more wifework than you can imagine to allow you to work leaving house at 7am, back 6pm or later and able to stay late whenever needed.

Childcare for two kids ft ,wrap around, would be at least 600 per month. And are they not meant to go to any clubs?
You can f* off posting on mn.

What Daisy7654 said with bells on.

DCs are 8 and 10. Too young to be left on their own, but old enough to express preferences about not going to afterschool club every day or holiday club in the summer. I would have thought starting secondary is when the pt DP may start to look at their career again if they want to. Let's not forget that the pt DP is in fact working just not full time.

I work 4 days a week and DS is 13, I don't intend to increase my hours as I earn a good salary anyway and as a result of not working full time I can see me still doing my job at 60. I'm much less stressed on the day I don't work and am nicer to DS and DH as a result and mainly because DH sods off fairly often to walk up mountains at the weekend, oh and decided we should get a dog which cramps my style somewhat on my days off. Oh and I do most of the housework and household admin.

If your mysterious "friend" believes they are at breaking point, then they need to look at what other options are available and then talk to their DP about the impact on their finances - presumably the friend won't mind driving an old car and not going abroad if these are what is needed to address their mental health.

Oh yeah and if you asked DH he'd say that chores were 50/50. They really are not.

The other thing I've been aware of from friend's experiences is that the parent working longer hours often still expects the other partner to continue with all the school pick ups/holiday childcare/emergency days off for sickness even when they've gone back to work or increased their hours. Because longer-hours parent has never had to worry about that stuff, they often don't see it as their problem.

Life admin/chores split 50/50

🤔 The fuck it is. 🤣