DD friend not allowed to visit our house

[Ang69]

Hi all, just need a bit of perspective on this as not quite sure what to do. We have moved quite a bit in the past few years and recently moved back home to Glasgow and got the kids settled in schools. DD13 found it hard to adjust initially and took a while to settle and make new friends. All good now as she has finally found a lovely friend at school, both same interests and both agree that they hate Love Island haha!

Anyway, DD quite often goes over to her friends after school and she is desperate to have her friend over to ours - just wants to show her room which she has recently decorated herself (well chosen anyway)!! She has invited her friend numerous times and always an excuse, too busy, need to be home for family stuff, got a thing on at church and so on. I told DD to be patient and respect her friends schedule but it's now 6 months down the line so DD eventually got her to agree to come over today for lunch and spend a couple of hours chilling. This was agreed then she received a text from friend saying she couldn't come over as her gran had googled and found we live next to a homeless shelter. Now we don't at all, we live in a normal residential area with families, a mix of all walks of lives from professionals to people on benefits. Yes, there is a housing association house in the area but so what!! I text to say I can speak to gran/mum to reassure but she just says they say no but can they meet in town (Glasgow City Centre) to go shopping.

DD is vey upset and feels that she isn't good enough for her and is quite angry. She is also afraid of losing the friendship if she says anything. FYI, DH has met both parents when picking her up so it's not as if they have no clue who we are. I have also met friend and offered to call parents. Any advise on how to handle? Sorry so long!

Our youngest is 13 and we don't get involved in his friendships at all. He has his mates he goes out with and we know some of them, but far from all.

I think the inviting the parents around may well be fine if she was primary age, but for teenagers I wouldn't go there, there isn't a need.

They need to be left alone to sort this between themselves at this age.

Sounds hard for your dd. It does sound like it’s coming from the child rather than the parents . No advice other than to suppprt your dd and hopefully she will meet a few more friends.
Does she do any activities after school?

I know quite a few people who are over protective and don't let their friends visit others houses. Had a couple of friends when I were at school who were the same. I'd imagine that she's embarrassed and likely making up excuses!

When I was a kid I crossed the city to go to one of the "good" schools rather than mu local secondary. I lived in a nice house, nice family, nice neighbours - not a rough area at all but certainly not so well to do as the place my friends from school lived. And my Dad was a manual worker and my mum also worked full time. Most of my friends had stay at home mums and a dad with a well paid office/academic type job. Lots of my friends were "banned" from my house, it started with excuses (too far to travel or we lived near a big football stadium so "there might be trouble"- that kind of thing) and eventually, as my friends and I got older we were told that my area, and occasionally my family, "weren't suitable". It was horrible, and snobby, and unnecessary but my friendships sustained and I'm still close with some of them nearly 30 years on. It did give me a bit of a chip on my shoulder for a few years tho and I had the working class hero act perfected by the time I went off to uni....
Your daughter has my sympathy OP, but they might have to carry on the friendship elsewhere for a while. Some parents can be very weird about their kids friendships.

My mother was over-anxious like this about visiting friends (definitely no sleep overs ever) although she also let me travel by train on my own. It affected my ability to make and keep friends in later life.

I think the problem is with the girl not her parents. Maybe she suffers with anxiety when going to new places and meeting new people? My dd has a lot of friends over to hang out but rarely wants to go to their houses, she feels more comfortable here (and some of her friends prefer to come here as I’m pretty laid back). I wouldn’t push things and don’t make a big deal about it, it is possible to have friends that don’t come over. As an adult I have several friends that don’t come to my house, I go to theirs or meet them in town for a coffee, never really thought much about it.

If religion played a part then why have her round all the time? She's either good enough or not. I do believe in god but what's that got to do with kids playing together unless they have extreme views?

You don’t sound like you are a practising Christian, and this could be an issue but a person doesn’t have to have extreme religious views to be concerned about their child spending time at an unknown home. You don’t even have to be religious to have concerns.

Many parents on Mumsnet admit to letting their children playing computer games with age ratings higher than their age. Smartphones with unrestricted internet access are common. Parents are happy for their children to be taught about all sexual matters including bestiality and sex toy use. Clearly many parents have a laissez-fairy attitude to many matters I’m surprised more people aren’t more discerning about where they let their children go.

The mum has probably posted on here about it saying she has a "gut feeling" about you or another family member, and been advised against letting her dd visit.

Maybe the girl has her period right now and is embarrassed/awkward?

Two thoughts - one, the family are a bit snobbish and she's making excuses to not come because of that.
Two - she has social anxiety and although she says she wants to come over, and probably does want to come over, when it comes down to it, she just can't face it and so makes excuses that blame her parents/ grandparents rather than herself.

The first one should be dealable with by talking to her family and finding out what their objections are. But if it's the second, then you are stuck - the girl will not be able to change this, and even if she makes it over to your house once, it may not be for long and it may never be repeated.

You need to talk to her family.

Sounds to me like it’s coming form the child
For whatever reason she doesn’t want to come to your house and is using her family as an excuse.
I would encourage other friendships as well

Is it a private school? Sounds like it from distances you mention. Hopefully it is not snobbery about your area.

Feel very sorry for your DD OP, I felt like this a lot at school as I wasn’t popular and ‘friends’ used to back out of plans with me if they had a better option often. Definitely support your DD, do let her know she can express disappointment and a PP said and reassure her that if she doesn’t want to go into town today it’s okay to tell her friend that too. It might even be a plus if she refuses to meet for shopping as it sounds like all their meet ups are on her friend’s terms not hers! So it might be good if your DD is assertive.

Clubs are a good idea, hopefully she’ll meet more friends.

OP- I asked about the wealth of the area as there is clearly a reason why she isn’t allowed to come to your house and does go to others, and as you live 40 min away there is a bit of a distance, and the weird behaviour of the grandmother searching what was near your house.

It wouldn’t matter to me- but my first thought was that your postcode was ‘undesirable’ to them.