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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD friend not allowed to visit our house

64 replies

Ang69 · 18/01/2020 05:07

Hi all, just need a bit of perspective on this as not quite sure what to do. We have moved quite a bit in the past few years and recently moved back home to Glasgow and got the kids settled in schools. DD13 found it hard to adjust initially and took a while to settle and make new friends. All good now as she has finally found a lovely friend at school, both same interests and both agree that they hate Love Island haha!

Anyway, DD quite often goes over to her friends after school and she is desperate to have her friend over to ours - just wants to show her room which she has recently decorated herself (well chosen anyway)!! She has invited her friend numerous times and always an excuse, too busy, need to be home for family stuff, got a thing on at church and so on. I told DD to be patient and respect her friends schedule but it's now 6 months down the line so DD eventually got her to agree to come over today for lunch and spend a couple of hours chilling. This was agreed then she received a text from friend saying she couldn't come over as her gran had googled and found we live next to a homeless shelter. Now we don't at all, we live in a normal residential area with families, a mix of all walks of lives from professionals to people on benefits. Yes, there is a housing association house in the area but so what!! I text to say I can speak to gran/mum to reassure but she just says they say no but can they meet in town (Glasgow City Centre) to go shopping.

DD is vey upset and feels that she isn't good enough for her and is quite angry. She is also afraid of losing the friendship if she says anything. FYI, DH has met both parents when picking her up so it's not as if they have no clue who we are. I have also met friend and offered to call parents. Any advise on how to handle? Sorry so long!

OP posts:

Hepsibar · 18/01/2020 07:20

Why dont you invite the mum over as well and you and she can have a chat and cup of coffee etc.

Innertwist · 18/01/2020 07:24

The irony is that the friend wants her to go to her house at least once a week which means a 40 minute round trip to pick up DD as it's then too late for her to take the train home as too dark.

Perhaps this is why ~ they might be too busy don't fancy the trip out to collect.

Silverservice1011 · 18/01/2020 07:27

It could be anything. But if she doesn't want to then she doesn't want to. your dad doesn't need to go to their house. They will just have to meet half way at a park or shipping etc. They probably don't want to do the travel or cant. You said she has a disabled sibling. Maybe she doesnt want to be at yours as it might be too different to hers... I was a child carer for my mum and used to hate going to others friends houses because they all looked so 'normal' and their parents did everything for them that it made me feel very sad that I couldn't have that every day... Could it be something similar....?

Ostanovka · 18/01/2020 07:31

Do you have any pets the friend might be scared of?

I'd definitely say something to the parents next time you collect your DD, something like it's a shame you haven't been able to arrange a time for their DD to visit. So they know you've tried and aren't just sending yours to them all the time.

Scarydinosaurs · 18/01/2020 07:32

Are you in a poorer area?

ittakes2 · 18/01/2020 07:36

You can't speculate what it is - invite the mother or father over for a coffee. There is obviously something but it isn't necessarily snobbery. My daughter's friend has anxiety and prefers my daughter go to her house - we have known her since she was 4, she is 13 now and only just in the last few years does she feel comfortable coming to our house and still won't sleep over. Her mother is my best friend and we go to each others houses so its not snobbery at all.

Original poster

Ang69 · 18/01/2020 07:49

If religion played a part then why have her round all the time? She's either good enough or not. I do believe in god but what's that got to do with kids playing together unless they have extreme views? I'll put the homeless shelter comment down to a child's attempt at an excuse, I don't think she meant it maliciously.

If I meet the mum face to face I'll have a quiet word but otherwise I'll let the girls get on with it and support DD with what she wants.

The irony is that the friend wants her to go to her house at least once a week which means a 40 minute round trip to pick up DD as it's then too late for her to take the train home as too dark.

Perhaps this is why ~ they might be too busy don't fancy the trip out to collect.

The friend takes the train to the city centre on her own for shopping and from there it's a 3 minute train ride to our house. DD would meet her friend in town then accompany her to ours then back to her home as she is used to taking the train there for school. I've also offered pick up/drop off if preferred.

Thanks for all your comments. It's helped me sort out in my head it isn't us and just unfortunate that her one friend seems to have an issue on this. Definitely time for more friends to add to her circle. Funny thing is, she was always so popular in primary and is still well liked, she just seems to have got a bit shyer since reaching puberty - is this the norm?

OP posts:

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 18/01/2020 07:49

Funny they are concerned about a homeless shelter that is unoccupied by day but are happy to let them meet alone in the city centre where most homeless people may be spending the day.

They are snobs or it may be they have had a traumatic experience at home, I suggest you drop it and respect their decision. My sister had a friend who was never allowed to go to other people houses or school trips, at some point we learned her mum’s sister had drowned in a school day out. Mum simply couldn’t trust ANYONE with her DD.

Original poster

Ang69 · 18/01/2020 07:59

@Silverservice1011 - we also have a disabled child, same age as her sibling, very similar set up so actually good for her to see a friend with similar issues.

@Ostanovka - no pets, just the kids and DH

@Scarydinosaurs - why should that make a difference? Isn't the upbringing more important than where we live? We actually live in a nice area in a house 5 times the size of theirs. I don't give a damn about social background, as long as they are nice and decent people.

@ittakes2 - don't know them well enough but that isn't the vibe that comes across. Just one of these things I guess.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ang69 · 18/01/2020 08:10

@TheMotherofAllDilemmas - What an awful experience. That I can imagine would have a huge impact in letting your kids out of your sight. Poor woman. You are right though, IF it is the parents, then letting your teenage daughter go into the city centre and being ok with it then surely it's ok to visit a friend? I actually think it is coming from her friend for whatever reason and we need to respect that. Anyway, all good. Will leave it be and let the girls work it out.

OP posts:

RippleEffects · 18/01/2020 08:22

Could it be a problem with collecting their DD after a visit?

RhiWrites · 18/01/2020 08:23

Let your daughter know she’s allowed to express to her friend that she’s disappointed. She’s also allowed to ask “why don’t you ever come to my house, for real?” She doesn’t have to bite her tongue to keep the peace. Friendship should have space for each person to express their feelings or doubts or it’s not a good friendship.

AllHeart1 · 18/01/2020 08:25

I don’t know why people are laying the blame on the parents here. It’s very clear that it’s the friend who has the issue as she was so very keen for the OP not to text her parents.

OP I would encourage your DD to make new friends and tbh would be encouraging her to step back from this one.

iano · 18/01/2020 08:33

I was put into situations like this by my controlling father. It was a way to keep me away from people I cared for.
He could be nice as pie to their faces so I looked deranged. This girl might have emotionally abusive parents/grandparents
Try not to take it personally.

dottiedodah · 18/01/2020 08:36

Maybe the child doesnt feel comfy at someone elses house and has asked Gran to think of a reason ? In any case does it matter hugely? If they would like to meet up in town, and go shopping isnt that what most teenagers do anyway.They are not banning the girls from seeing one another . No idea why the homeless shelter seems like such a big deal at all .A leafy suburb near us has a HMO smack in the middle of it!(Talking million pound homes here!)

Innertwist · 18/01/2020 08:38

This situation is also an opportunity to learn that respecting other peoples choices - without needing to know why - is very important.

A simple no is enough perhaps - without us all trying to work out why.

OneStepSideways · 18/01/2020 08:40

Do you have a dog? Or does your DD have lots of older brothers and their friends coming and going? Both these things could be putting friend off visiting.

Or maybe it’s more simple and they just can’t be bothered to drive across the city for play dates, or don’t have time!

NagaisAce · 18/01/2020 08:41

Can you offer to pick up and drop her off? Maybe they can't get her there and dont want her walking.

Original poster

Ang69 · 18/01/2020 08:49

@Innertwist - absolutely. Had she said no from the off then fine. She didn't though, she came up with excuses that seemed plausible and they were respected. She also said she wanted to come over and they made plans on what to do. that isn't fair on my dd who was doing all the running as her friend wanted her to go to her house at least once a week. To then make an arrangement and then rescind with a crazy excuse, then yeah, you ask questions. I am letting it go but just replying to what comments people are making as I appreciate the feedback.

@dottiedodah - it does matter to my dd. She was excited to show her room and introduce her little sister with down syndrome. She has made the effort to go there numerous times to play with her friends little sister and get to know the family. We hardly know her friend but would like to. How do we do that if she never engages with us? It works both ways. Anyway, we trust our daughter to make the right choices and will support her with whatever she wants.

OP posts:

sashh · 18/01/2020 08:50

The irony is that the friend wants her to go to her house at least once a week which means a 40 minute round trip to pick up DD as it's then too late for her to take the train home as too dark. We've been accommodating this for months to help the friendship build so we'll see how things go. Thanks again everyone.

Could this be it? Maybe her parents wouldn't/couldn't collect and she doesn't want to make the journey alone?

The other is possibly bonkers parents, my mum would come across as very friendly, and 'yes she'd love to come over' and then change her mind. So I had to pull out of things a few times.

katewhinesalot · 18/01/2020 08:51

It sounds as if the girl has some sort of anxiety around visiting your house. If she goes to others, it maybe something tiny that has happened or been said, that had been magnified in her mind.

Original poster

Ang69 · 18/01/2020 08:52

@OneStepSideways - no pets.

@NagaisAce - have offered pick up/drop off. Train also an option with my dd accompanying her there and back. Can't do more than that.

OP posts:

RJnomore1 · 18/01/2020 08:55

Do you know what type of Christianity they practice?

KellyHall · 18/01/2020 08:57

Hopefully she'll make more friends when she starts her new activities and that will alleviate the pressure on this friendship.

My husband's best friend refused to visit dh for years and years because he was scared dh lived in a bad area so dh always went to his house. That was when they were teenagers, they're still friends now in their 40s!

What matters is their friendship, not where they are. If you're happy for dd to keep going there then keep doing thay and drop the idea of her coming to your house. If you're not happy, stop doing it and they can just meet in town.

Original poster

Ang69 · 18/01/2020 08:57

Thanks all. There are no answers. DD is a mature girl but easily hurt, just need to help her accept sometimes we don't always understand others and that's ok. I'll be telling her though as someone pointed out that it is ok to say she is disappointed and let them both work out their own friendship from there.

OP posts:

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