To be so pissed off at how disrespected I am in this house?

[Heyjude20]

I have borderline personality disorder. I take medication and doing well apart from when it’s the totm.

I have 3 Dc. Dd 12,ds 10 & dd 3and I’m happily married. My oldest two treat me like shit, especially my oldest. She is rude and nasty and she knows it. My husband never tells her off and she respects him 100%, they have an amazing bond but she knows exactly how to play us off. She will really upset me and Dh just tells me I’m over reacting.

Tonight they have all been arguing from the min they got home. Like a constant noise of them all shouting. Dh moans “when are we going to get a break”.

I shout them downstairs and we have a conversation about how noisy they are being and to stop bloody arguing.

Dd rolls her eyes and asks me if I’v taken my tablets today.

I’m fuming. And upset. I told her how upset I am and how dare she speak to me like this and she has no respect for me. She then says I have no respect for her!

She’s lost her phone.

Dh says nothing. I tell him to say something and he’s like “what do you want me to say”.

Iv taken myself to bed.

I’m so upset.

Dd was being very disrespectful and your husband and you should be showing a united front. He needs to back you up. She needs to apologise and learn that this is unacceptable behaviour.

It feels like it’s me constantly asking him to have my back and him saying he doesn’t know what to say. It’s because they all seem to respect him and are never bloody rude to him!

I read a parenting book which talked about how the mother’s and father’s roles change as the children get older. It said at some point the child will usually shift from adoring the mother without question, to challenging the mother, and it said particularly with boys this can be quite aggressive. It said at this point there will be a quite small but crucial moment when the dad steps up from reading the paper or whatever and says “You do NOT speak to your mother like that!”

Your DD is challenging you for authority / family leadership and this is unfair but also natural and to be expected. Your DH as co-family-leader should be protecting you / joining you in reminding her that she is the child and should mind her manners. By hiding from the issue he is basically acknowledging her as the power in the house rather than you and this is why you are quite rightly very upset.

The medication is irrelevant to this very common situation. The problem is your DH.

They’re never rude to your dh because he hides behind you to tell them off.
When he moaned about the noise you should have left him to sort it out. Stand back more when dh is about and don’t discipline so much. He’ll have to speak up if he doesn’t like their behaviour.
Also take your 12 year old out on her own and have a chat with her generally. Have some fun with her. Don’t try to be her friend but try to connect as a very close parent, it must be hard sometimes being the oldest.

Right OP bless you this ends and it ends today...When the kids are in bed I suggest you and your dh form a plan to tackle the outrageously rude behaviour of your kids...One foot out of line and you both rear up and sort it out together,,,if he has to be the bad guy to support you then so be it.Your kids cannot get away with treating you so badly ,its awful and if they can do it to you they can do it to others and this is not a good way to proceed in life...Stand your ground and pull them back in line together as a united front and until they behave respectfully and apologise then they get zero rewards back and mean it..you cannot live your life like this...show them how wrong and spiteful their behaviour is and if needs be make then realise what they will loose if they continue in this manner...stop being mum and doing things so redily and they will soon learn...alternatively call a meeting round the kitchen table all of you and ask why they think its ok to upset you and make them explain...outcome is the same first rolling of eyes and disrespect then they loose something dear to them...anything will do possession or your or your dhs time and attenton....pull them back into line with a short sharp shock....it is cruel and however young they are they need to know it is not a way to treat anyone least of all you .....get it sorted once and for all before it gets worse...you can do this and you will be doing them a massive favour too as they wont get far in this world being so awful....you do not deserve this and your dh should be your number one supporter in standing by you and sorting it out...do it now when they will least be expecting it for maximum results....they need shocking into being decent.....thats how I would do it....

Thank you. I’m going to wait until the kids are asleep and go and speak to
Him. I’m in bed, not one person has asked how I am. They will think I’m having a “pmt moment”.

To be honest, my siblings and I were very disrespectful to my mother when we were younger. We still don't have much patience with her. However this was due to the fact that she had borderline personality disorder and didn't really parent us. She would fly off the handle at the slightest thing, physically and verbally abuse us because of her inability to control her emotions and anger (however she did have the ability and wherewithal to control herself in front of teachers and other professionals and hide the true way that she was with us from everyone), she regularly manipulated my father and loved playing with his emotions; he'd be chucked out of the house because she went in a mood at some perceived slight, then he would be 'allowed' back in and be expected to be grateful to her, then out again, then back in...then out...I'm sure you get the idea.

I'm not for a second saying that this is you, I'm sure you are a very good mother, but has there ever been behaviours from before you were as stable as you are today that has led to the lack of respect that the kids have for you?

The kids are proper playing up, youngest should be in bed. I’m not dealing with them. I know Dh is just letting them get on with it.

No, Iv never been like that. My bpd stems from spending too much money and being impulsive.

I’m actually getting more and more angry.

Calm down op. Count to ten and scream into a pillow. Your DD shouldn’t of spoken to you like that at all, and your DH should of immediately backed you up and punished her. Just try to calm down and speak to him and tell him how much it upsets you that just because he’s not being disrespected he’s still disrespecting you by allowing DD to speak to you in that manner. Men are bloody stupid at times and need to see it in a different view.
Hope he sorts himself out and starts standing up for you.

My ex never supported me when our children were young. I found it really hard to cope with not being respected. I ended up leaving and it's the best thing I ever done. Now married to a man who respects me fully and I am finally happy x

Hey op. Have you got headphones you can pop on and do a quick meditation from spotify or something? Try not to worry. Once they're asleep ask dy to dish out a consequence tomorrow for it. They may be surprised but it may hit home harder that way.

Plus one thing that helps me is to remember they are kids and will never behave nicely all the time!

Dh not dy

I too think your Dh needs to realise he is not parenting by letting them get away with stuff either ..I get he may want a quiet life but that is not our job as parents....Our job is to raise respectful decent kind children with good standards and morals to become good adults and productive members of society. I love my two kids but I am not their best friend,,I never will be I am their parent. I will back then a milion times if they are right and I am on their side again totally but only if they are right and decent. It has to be between you and your dh ..it was you too before the kids and it will be back to you two when the kids growup and leave home,,,your dh needs to have your back first and foremost.Me and my dh might not always agree but if one says something the other goes with it...our kids know its no good going to dad or to mum if they want another answer if they didnt like the one they got ,its pointless cosif dad says it then mum says the same and vise versa! They learned that a while ago! Team parents ..one battle they cannot manipulate!

Put headphones in and ignore it, eventually DH is either going to have to step up and parent them or he’s going to come and have a moan. If he comes for a moan you can tell him that if he can’t back you up it’s over to him so fuck off and sort them out.

Walk out the door. Go to the cinema or for a walk. Get out and give yourself a break. You need it.

Yep DH is the problem here.

Your husband needs to step up and support you. She is getting away with disrespecting you and he is not stepping up enough

What would your husband say if he was a manager at work and one of his employees mocked another employees mental health in an argument? He would say that behaviour is unacceptable and give them a warning and if it happened again there would be consequences.

Why is he so weak with them? It is not in their interests to get away with being rude to people. I'd give him some stock phrases to use next time ⁰

@Heyjude20 - have you ever done DBT (treatment for EUPD (BPD))? One of the modules is interpersonal effectiveness and it has really helped me with getting my needs met and also how to say no. I would be very upset if my children were that rude to me. Mine are DS (12) and DD (7) and they have never disrespected me but I would find it hard to deal with if they did.

Your husband is certainly not acting like a "partner" should, in fact from reading this, you're pretty much on your own when it comes to their behaviour issues! This needs to change! Until your husband can support you, and you've got a united front, your daughter is going to do and say what she likes because she can

Your DH needs to back you up and tell your DD not to speak to you like that.
She won’t respect him either but he’s not challenging her so doesn’t get the same retaliation

You have a DH problem.
He’s their parent not their pal. He should get on with parenting. He should have your back. You need a parenting style that you both agree on and stick to. That would prevent this playing off against each other shite.

Perhaps you should take a leaf from his book when it comes to all the little things that you do around the home that he doesn’t notice. Stop doing them. When he complains use a phrase that he usually uses to imply chill out it’s no biggee.

I can’t believe how much this has hit me.

I’m struggling. My mental health has taken a tumble.
I had a horrible childhood with an alcoholic mum who I adored but was mean. And I was a massive daddies girl. Still am. It’s like history is repeating itself and no matter how hard I try to not let it, it’s happening. Although I don’t drink. I’m just a shouter.

I can’t cope anymore. I’m a burden on everyone. The only reason with Dh is probably with me is because he thinks I’d fuck the kids ip even more if I was a single mum.

I can’t cope. My head hurts. Iv tried telling Dh. He’s still sat downstairs with Dd. When she cries he hugs her. When I cry I’m alone. I just want to be held.