To feel so sad at giving up frozen IVF embryos

[IvyEffa]

I doubt there are many people who have faced this kind of thing but if there are I would love to hear from you. Perhaps there are some wise words that would help me feel better about letting my embryos go.

I've got three frozen embryos at the IVF clinic and I think I am going to have to let them be destroyed. I have one child - three - who was conceived the old fashioned way, straight after the third round of IVF failed. He is my 'WTF' baby rather than IVF. I had three miscarriages before he was born and I love him more than I could say. I know I am lucky.

He was born when I was 39 and now I am 42. I would love to be pregnant again - I had a very straightforward pregnancy, c-section and recovery. And I love being a mum and always imagined having 2 kids but of course when it looked unlikely that I would have any at all I would have done whatever it took to have just one.

The clinic need my husband and I to complete a form and pay £350 every year for the embryos to be stored. The cost is not a problem. But I don't think I am ever going to go back for them so I think we will have to let them be destroyed / used for research. They can't be donated to another woman as I was too old when they were created (also, I'm pretty sure I would feel far too weird about 'embryo adoption').

I don't think I'm likely to go back because of 1) my age 2) the impact on my career and 3) the high chance of it just not working. But the real issue is 4) my husband's attitude - he really really really does not want another child, he doesn't really enjoy being a father even now and mourns the loss of his old life. He got very depressed after my son was born and only now three years later has he sought treatment. Our relationship is struggling. I doubt I could get him to agree to trying again.

Theoretically, if we ever did go back, I'm not that scared of going through treatment again, it's not fun but it went as well as it does (apart from no actual live baby at the end). We'd have to pay so it would be about £4k ish. Even though one of them is top quality on the grading scale they use, the chance of success would probably be around 20%. Maybe less. Which isn't great.

BUT I am so sad at the thought of those tiny blobs defrosting and disappearing. Creating them took a huge investment of time and emotion and pain and hope and waiting (and injections and scans and god knows how many people poking about Down There). And I would love to be a mum again. I know the embryos are not babies and I don't think there is any 'soul' there ... but another part of me feels a strong ownership and even love for them. And letting them go is so sad because perhaps one of them could have become a beautiful new tiny person. And I'm sad that we can't even talk about it without arguing.

Finally let me say I am sorry to anyone facing infertility / IVF treatment who might read this and think 'well I wish I had your problems mate'. I remember very well just how bleak it is. Wishing you luck and joy.

I never thought I would be in that position following years of infertility but I was. We used ours for research. It was a very difficult decision to make but we weren’t in the position to have more children so it was the right thing to do.

I totally understand. I am lucky to have had fertility treatment which worked first time but had no viable embryos left to be frozen - if I had, I’d be in exactly your position. Not able to use them and having to make that decision. I loved being pregnant and would dearly have liked another, but money/time/age etc were all against us. So I have no advice for you, but I can imagine how difficult that decision is. You sound like you’ve thought it through and are making the “right” decision (if there can be said to be one) for your family. It’s ok to make that decision, but it’s also ok to grieve for the might-have-beens.

I have no experience of this, and send you love, OP. I can only imagine how difficult that is.

I think you should have counselling and talk it through with a therapist, ideally with your DH. It’s the kind of situation they exist for, to help you navigate a path through difficult, emotionally loaded situations. It sounds like it would be money very well spent.

Of course you’re not unreasonable at all and there is actually a lot of kids there in Your post to be honest- over and above the embryo issue which in itself is a difficult one. You lost the experience of TTC in a stress free and happy way, you lost your husband enjoying fatherhood and being a happy co-parent. You’ve lost your dream of being a mother of two... and you’ve even lost some of the relationship you had and wanted.

So no of course you’re not unreasonable at all to feel sad about the embryos as perhaps they symbolise that hope you held back before this all worked out as it has... your older life where you thought things would be different.

But there is hope and joy in your post- your Wee miracle child and your clear love and devotion for your family of three. So I hope that you can find some peace with your decision in that some things sadly just aren’t meant to be- and clearly your little ooops baby was the one for you.

Don't feel you have to make the decision yet. If you're not ready, there is no rush.

Yes I have been in that exact situation. I was also 39 when we had our ivf baby. I had a very hard pregnancy and a tough recovery and one was always the plan. We had 1 embryo left and I could see it as another DS or DD. I wondered how much it would look like DS. It was so much more real.our storage was also over £300 per year. I guess I grieved when we let it go. I found it very very hard x

I recently donated mine. It was a long hard decision making process and I grieved for a while then felt a hell of a lot better as the constant battle of should we shouldn’t we donate / destroy was done and I didn’t have to think of it anymore.
Good luck with your decision and I hope you make the one that makes you happy x

hello - yes, we've had to do this too and it was weird and far more heartbreaking than i was expecting.

My advice would be do yourself a little ritual - have 3 (or however many embryos you have) candles burning, or 3 flowers, say a poem; play music; cry and thank them for their efforts for you and tell them you appreciate their tiny lives and you love them. it's very soppy but it does actually give closure. xx

I mean all this as a preliminary to donating for research or destroying. A parting ritual.

I will pm you, OP x

My friend decided to let her unused embryos be used for research. She felt it gave their lives meaning, if that makes sense - they were helping people to live better, healthier lives.

I appreciate this isn't for everyone, but we were allowed to take our embroys home.

I didn't want to donate and the thought of destroying them made me feel quite sad, so the clinic suggested we took them home once they had been defrosted. You than have the option of perhaps burying them? Our intention is to plant a tree and bury the embryos.

My heart goes out to you and anyone else facing this situation.
I cannot imagine and I’m very sorry. 💐

My 3rd embryo was not suitable to freeze I begged pleaded attempted to present a well rounded hormonal irrational argument as to why I was willing to chance multiples and have my 3rd embryo implanted Any how "runty " went for research and I got pregnant with twins However I still grieve for that lost baby and even my miracle spontaneous conception 4 months after the twins being born does not reduce that Think carefully and wait for as long as you need until you make the choice What if you won the lottery You May regret it later you are still fairly young

Undervalued I am sorry you had a similar dilemma and your username isn't very happy, I know the researchers would certainly have valued your decision x

Isadora that's a kind response, are you a counsellor?!

Cutebabasmummy Yes I wonder whether it/they would be a boy or a girl and how much it would look like my son! I try not to think along those lines too much though. I'm sorry it was hard for you.

Yes monsterjam I think it will be a bit easier once the decision is made. Well done for being altruistic and donating. I would feel too strange about the chance of my genetic child living with other parents and I would always be on the look out for them. I'd never stop watching out for them. But I know it would make a couple out there somewhere so happy.

I like your idea about a ritual golfcart and yes I might do something like that if I don't feel too silly. It would have to be on my own though as my husband just wouldn't get it. At all.

letsaskarobot Hmm I don't know. I don't want them in my garden I don't think although I can see it would be the right thing for some people. I think I would rather give them for research and then at least hopefully something might be learned which would make fertility treatment easier for others in the future.

everyone else thank you for your kind words and your time

I have 7 frozen and am dreading when the time comes to make a similar decision. I have a 14 month old from the 8th embryo and she brings me great joy every day. I don’t know when / if I will be able to handle another pregnancy financially / mentally (I found it quite a tough adjustment becoming a mother, despite the baby being much longed for). I think I would like one more child from the batch. But it’s a huge decision to make and a lot of embryos left unused, whatever I decide.

I would have been happy to donate the embryos to other couples but my partner was over 40 so they won’t let us. I feel it’s really tough that they do that - surely they could say to couples in need “the sperm was from an older male but they have gone on to have a healthy and perfect child” and let the couple decide for themselves if they’d like to use it or not. It feels hard. Xx

I just wanted to say that while I have no experience at all of what you’ve been through @IvyEffa , you write that so articulately that it was quite emotional to read. I wish you very well in whatever you decide to do x

@IvyEffa if you change your mind about donating, and they let you donate to individuals rather than the waiting list, I know of a woman in her 30's who is desperate to have her little miracle, but no one is seemingly willing to donate embryos to single women, by the time she gets her offer it may be too late for her.

We are in this position. We had 4 frozen embryos and now have 2 children and 2 frozen embryos. How lucky are we? 2 healthy happy children is more than we ever dreamed of.

We've thought a lot about what to do with the embryos and at the moment we're just paying for them to stay in storage until we finally decide. It will probably be donated to research. The idea of them being destroyed is too sad, and DH simply cannot cope with the idea of them being donated to another couple/person. I would like to give the embryos a chance at life and someone else the chance of a baby but he can't get his head around it.

For me, I love my embryos because they were once the closest I had ever been to a baby. That love doesn't go away. For two of them it transformed into little people, and for two of them it just remains.

I wish we could bring them home and plant a tree with them but the clinic said once they have the go-ahead to destroy them they just do it and put them in the waste, and you don't know when it is taking place.

I had a friend that didn't wish to donate as they were her DC full siblings and the concept of their being another sibling elsewhere didn't sit well.

In the end they decided to implant with zero expectations as they couldn't bear to destroy either.

All 3 thawed as viable, then got to the next stage etc. They ended up with another DC much to their shock!

It's incredibly hard when you and DH don't agree I would store for another couple of years and see what happens when your DH has done counselling to work through his issues.

I don't have any experience of freezing embryos but I am a mother and I just wanted to say reading all of these stories and experiences has made me cry tonight. You ladies are so brave. Bless all of you and your little embryos

Just curious to know what the age cut off is and what is deemed 'too old' by the clinics?

OP, your feelings are justified and I have every sympathy with you.

DD was a frozen embryo from our first attempt at IVF DS was a fresh one two years later with three left to freeze. We kept them stored for five years before deciding to offer for research as like previous posters have said it felt like they had a purpose. Was a really tough decision but we both knew our family was complete at two children. Take your time in deciding x

Just to add that in the end we donated our embryo to research. My son was a donor egg baby and DH wasnt comfortable with having a child out there in the world that he wouldnt meet and who would be our child's full sibling. Our clinic wouldn't destroy until I was 48 and that's still 4 years off now. Then we got a letter saying there was no current research (clinic is in Spain) so as far as we know it's still in the freezer.x

I kept my two little frozen embryos in storage for years as I couldn’t face saying goodbye. Eventually I got to a point where I took a deep breath and made the decision. It was hard and I still feel sad, but it was ultimately the only sensible, realistic option.

The whole decision was laden with all the huge emotional baggage I carried through the ivf period of my life, so it took me a long time to be able to think more logically.

A parting ritual is a good idea - I should have done that, I wish I had.