To feel so sad at giving up frozen IVF embryos

[IvyEffa]

I doubt there are many people who have faced this kind of thing but if there are I would love to hear from you. Perhaps there are some wise words that would help me feel better about letting my embryos go.

I've got three frozen embryos at the IVF clinic and I think I am going to have to let them be destroyed. I have one child - three - who was conceived the old fashioned way, straight after the third round of IVF failed. He is my 'WTF' baby rather than IVF. I had three miscarriages before he was born and I love him more than I could say. I know I am lucky.

He was born when I was 39 and now I am 42. I would love to be pregnant again - I had a very straightforward pregnancy, c-section and recovery. And I love being a mum and always imagined having 2 kids but of course when it looked unlikely that I would have any at all I would have done whatever it took to have just one.

The clinic need my husband and I to complete a form and pay £350 every year for the embryos to be stored. The cost is not a problem. But I don't think I am ever going to go back for them so I think we will have to let them be destroyed / used for research. They can't be donated to another woman as I was too old when they were created (also, I'm pretty sure I would feel far too weird about 'embryo adoption').

I don't think I'm likely to go back because of 1) my age 2) the impact on my career and 3) the high chance of it just not working. But the real issue is 4) my husband's attitude - he really really really does not want another child, he doesn't really enjoy being a father even now and mourns the loss of his old life. He got very depressed after my son was born and only now three years later has he sought treatment. Our relationship is struggling. I doubt I could get him to agree to trying again.

Theoretically, if we ever did go back, I'm not that scared of going through treatment again, it's not fun but it went as well as it does (apart from no actual live baby at the end). We'd have to pay so it would be about £4k ish. Even though one of them is top quality on the grading scale they use, the chance of success would probably be around 20%. Maybe less. Which isn't great.

BUT I am so sad at the thought of those tiny blobs defrosting and disappearing. Creating them took a huge investment of time and emotion and pain and hope and waiting (and injections and scans and god knows how many people poking about Down There). And I would love to be a mum again. I know the embryos are not babies and I don't think there is any 'soul' there ... but another part of me feels a strong ownership and even love for them. And letting them go is so sad because perhaps one of them could have become a beautiful new tiny person. And I'm sad that we can't even talk about it without arguing.

Finally let me say I am sorry to anyone facing infertility / IVF treatment who might read this and think 'well I wish I had your problems mate'. I remember very well just how bleak it is. Wishing you luck and joy.

It’s definitely a very difficult decision and in my opinion, not helped by the emotive language used in letters from the clinic asking if we wanted to store ours for another year. We have a 6 month old dd from a frozen embryo and I have recently had a miscarriage after using our last one. We are just starting a new cycle but I’m dreading having to make the same decision if we are lucky enough to have embryos to freeze and are successful in this cycle. I think I would probably want to go for a fourth (we already have a ds 17) but in reality I think we would donate them for research.

I have 3 ivf miracles, 9 year old and 4 year old twins. Luck isn't the word, I still can't believe it somedays. We had one frozen embryo left. After 2 years of sleep deprivation and then me becoming ill with meningitis (I'm fine now) we decided to have our one frozen embryo desposed of. I thought of donation but I'd go mad over the years wondering if our child was around and growing up with strangers. If we used it and it had resulted in a pregnancy we would have been delighted but having a fourth would have been emotionally and financially so hard most of the time for us especially as one of my children is autistic. 18 months ago we made the decision so lose it but its a decision I will regret till the day I die. I can't help it. To me it's not an egg anymore, it's the start of a life, we made the decision when we were both exhausted and I was ill. Now everything is a bit more settled if I still had it I would have it implanted ASAP if I could. Everyone is different though , you must do what is right for you. I feel I should have given my last embryo a chance, I feel guilty and sad alot about not trying so I hug my three I never thought I'd have a bit extra sometimes. I hope you'll be OK no matter what, advice from others is all very well but you go with your head and your heart, you know deep down what is the right thing to do for you. Lots of love and luck to you xxx

cryingoverspilttea I don't think that it's possible to choose where they go but even so these ones can't be donated due to my age when they were created. I'm sorry your friend is having a hard time of it, it must be really tough for her. stillcounting my clinic won't let you donate if you were over 35 when they were created, I'm not sure if that's what the HFEA guidelines say or if it's their own rule...

abitofanexpert yes that's right, exactly - once they held all my hopes and my 'best chance' (or that's what I thought then) and so I do kind of love them still.

cutebabasmummy gosh I don't think I fancy being pregnant at 48, do you?!

ChristianGreysAnatomy (cool name) yes that's a big part of it. There is a lot of emotional baggage that hangs around for a while after IVF. Even if you do have a baby it's not like you just forget how hard it all was. I do try very hard not to be overprotective and neurotic about my boy as a result. I'm not sure people warn you about it (but even if they did it wouldn't stop anyone would it?!). I'm sorry you still feel sad.

Smithlets80 Sending you good luck for this new cycle. It's such a random process isn't it.

Knotatall Sorry you feel sad about your decision. Having four kids would be a lot to manage especially when one of yours has additional needs, and stretching yourself too thin is no good to anyone xx

oh and winterwoolies that is a very nice thing to hear, thank you for saying that!

Similar position here op! Not a easy one... currently paying the annual storage fees as I can't face making the decision.

I'm in a similar position. My husband wants to donate them. I'm not happy with that and would rather the research. We argue about it most days. And we will still pay the £300 a year until one of us caves.

I like the idea of planting a tree or a goodbye ritual.

It's a big decision, maybe if you don't have an absolution you should postpone for another year.

You ladies

So brave, all of you. Good luck to everyone dealing with infertility. Such an emotional read.

I sent a pm to the OP but as others have shared their experiences I wanted to say:

The dilemma of frozen embryos was not something I could have dreamed of when we started our icsi journey. After a disastrous 2nd attempt (the clinic bodged our tx and, after a formal complaint and intervention from the HFEA, we were offered a further 'free' cycle)
The clinic strongly urged we freeze any 'spare' embryos from this.
I had very mixed feelings (I have a strong faith told my H that I'd need to 'use' any that survived future defrosting and he agreed) so we did it and froze them. We were lucky, & got pg from the 1 that was put back but for 10 years H 'put off' defrosting the embryos. I couldnt donate as i was tood old when they were created (36 iirc) and couldnt cope emotionally with the thought of research. Finally, he refused to discuss it, they 'timed out' & were destroyed according to HFEA rules.

I found it extremely difficult. I knew I had to 'say goodbye' to them, 10 years on, so I went to the clinic to collect them & a kind local priest held a blessing for them in his front room which meant a great deal to me.

We were offered no Counselling by our clinic at any stage (nhs) but perhaps that has improved now (this was early 2000's). I don't know if private clinics are better but my feeling is that it is likely that many couples are not fully prepared for how emotionally difficult it can be.

(yikes, sorry for essay :(