About DHs boss messaging past 11pm?

[Justonedayatatime11]

I'm a bit stuck on this one and it's causing so many arguments. DH is self employed, financial role but is self employed for a company if that makes sense? His boss (female in case it makes any difference) will quite frequently message him out of hours, anything up until midnight, certainly not always work related. She also left him an entirely unnecessary, completed pissed voice message early hours of New Year's Day.
I'll be the first to admit I have trust issues, which doesn't help. DH was previously caught messaging someone else, but after a lot of time and hard work, we put that behind us. I know 100% he isn't cheating, I know she's not his type and that he finds it equally infuriating, but he doesn't want to rock the boat as she could potentially cease to give him any more work. But I've had enough. It's causing so much stress and so many arguments. He thinks I'm being completely unreasonable and I should just let it go over my head. I don't feel that it's that easy

He could turn his notifications off during non working hours.

So he turns off his phone, or mutes her, between 6pm and 8am? Is he supposed to provide 24 hour support?

Separate work phone (or one with two sim cards). Work phone turned off between 7pm and 7am.

If he’s really self employed he doesn’t have a boss. Do you mean a client?

Surely he just mutes her/turns his phone off/ignores her between certain hours. It doesn’t have to be an issue.

NeedanExpert she owns the company, he works for the company but only gets paid when a deal goes through.
Certainly not on 24 hour call, outside of normal business hours Mon-Fri 9-6 he can't do anything and his clients don't contact him, it's just her. Constantly! And it's not even about work. It just feels, kind of disrespectful?? He never turns his phone off, it's always on and no doubt me asking him to would cause yet another argument

He could do something about this very easily.

Ask her not to call/message, block her, keep a separate work phone that is off out of office hours.

Whether or not he wants to is a different matter.

It really depends how much you need the money.
If he can afford to piss her off than go ahead. Sadly for most you need to suck up bad behaviour especially if you are not properly emplyed by the company.
Could he maybe see if he could find work elsewhere.

You don't have "trust issues", you have an untrustworthy dh.

Is the problem that she a) messages him at all or b) that she messages him late at night?

Struggling I understand she has to communicate with him regarding work, I have no issue with that. But when it's 11.20pm and she's pinging messages about stuff that's nothing to do with work, that gets my back up.
I do trust him, and I hate that we keep arguing about this. But I can't just let it go over my head, it really winds me up! He loves the job, no chance of him giving that up.

He's disrespecting you if he's messaging and responding to the non-work stuff late at night, especially if you've had issues in the past due to his messaging behaviour. He could resolve this very easily by not responding to anything non-work related/late at night/inappropriate. If he chooses to respond to such messages then he's just encouraging her and he is showing he doesn't care about your feelings.

You’re arguing because you don’t trust him, understandingly so but you need to acknowledge it.

She isn’t the problem, he is

Does he reply to her messages, op because if he does then it's no wonder she thinks it's ok.
He could just read them then reply in work hours if he wanted to.

He leaves his phone on all night so texts wake you up when your sleeping? Fuck that. He needs to switch the bloody thing off

Ask him what his boundaries actually are? 2am. 4am? His mothers funeral?

My phone goes onto silent at 10pm. There are multiple ways of managing this without causing her offence. He could just say he’s having a screen detox and won’t be looking at messages between x and y time. Then keep to that and gradually only answer messages related to work.

Whst is she messaging him about

Kind of depends. I and my male colleagues often text or WhatsApp each other, either individually or in a group. Could be about arrangements, company gossip, Brexit, the footie...

What's she texting him about?

Does he reply to these messages at 11pm? If so, he needs to stop doing that and he should either mute her notifications or turn his phone off.

@AhNowTed do you message your colleagues late at night about football and Brexit? I don’t think the time she sends the messages is appropriate at all. I wouldn’t even message my best friend so late unless it was an emergency.

I'm a childminder, so self employed, and sometimes get workmessages late at night. I just reply in the morning if I'm asleep or if I don't want to think about it.

Does he reply to the non work-related messages? Even the ones late at night?

He could choose not to reply. He does. You have a DH problem.

Where the messages are work related I think that you are being unreasonable. Much though I hate it both my husband and I get work messages at all hours day or night and are expected to answer them if it's necessary.

However, where the messages are not work related I think you're right. It's not appropriate for him to be replying to messages if it makes you uncomfortable. That doesn't mean there's anything untoward going on between them - he may just feel the need to keep her sweet while she's paying him - but if it makes you uncomfortable he should not reply to non-work messages.