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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to contact the school AGAIN about ds - year 7

37 replies

Ceci03 · 16/01/2020 15:51

I think I probably shouldn't contact them again - they have tried to help. Long story short, DS started in Year 7 in November and is finding it really hard to make friends. He was popular and had lots of friends in his primary school so I don't think he has any social anxiety, just the usual feeling shy and a bit nervous. He says he cant find any of his class at lunch or break times. Sometimes he does. I've been thinking up lots of strategies - like being ready to run at the end of the class before break and lunch - asking the boys where they will be etc. I wrote to the year head on Monday saying he was crying every morning and at night time as he is worried. He doesn't like eating his lunch on his own etc. She replied and said he could go to this room for kids who are feeling vulnerable at lunchtime. So he tried it today, but he didn't go in as all the students in there were a lot older - had different colour jumpers. A couple of boys have asked for his phone number, but none of them seem to know their phone numbers - ds doesn't know his lol - and they are not allowed to get phones out in school. I got him to write his number on a few cards and he has them in his bag for the next time. I wish I could help him. I feel so guilty as he was soooooooo happy in his old school. And now he's getting depressed and miserable. He's doing football after school. Just have to hang in there I guess. Anyone else's Year 7's having trouble settling in. He was given a 'buddy' when he first started, and the boy is nice, but I think he's kinda forgotten about ds now at this stage.

OP posts:
Jeezoh · 16/01/2020 16:04

It does take time to make friends in year 7, we found the children who knew each other from primary school tended to stick together initially and it wasn’t until after Christmas the friendship groups started to change. I’d just encourage him to join any club he can at lunch or after school so he’s not wandering aimlessly, am sure he’ll get there.

BottleOfJameson · 16/01/2020 16:07

I don't think you would be unreasonable at all in contacting the school. This should be the kind of thing they're used to helping with in Y7, it doesn't sound like the lunch room is appropriate for him since he has no social issues generally - he's just not settled yet and might need a helping hand. I imagine it'll sort itself in time anyway but definitely no harm in getting some support from school.

MT2017 · 16/01/2020 16:07

Did he start late? I can see that's difficult if everyone else is already in friendship groups.

MamToTeens · 16/01/2020 16:14

Sounds like you’re expecting it to be like primary school. High school friendships are much more difficult because there are more people. In primary everyone has to be in the same place at break and lunch, and there’s not many people, so it’s more of a forced friendship. He does actually have to try and make some friends. The school can’t give him friends, so why would you contact them?

Original poster
Ceci03 · 16/01/2020 16:15

I contacted them once before Christmas to ask if he could change tutor groups, as he knew boys in another group better then his own. I thought they would say no, but they did change him! Then I contacted them again on Monday to ask about any strategies for lunchtimes, and she gave me that room number and told me to tell him to follow his friends.
My heart breaks in the mornings. As soon as he wakes up he starts crying and cries off and on then til I go to work. Then he rings me when I'm on the train usually sobbing as he walks down - it's only a 5 min walk. Then it starts again in the evenings when it's bed time. I keep telling him there are other boys probably feeling the same and it just takes time to find friends but that he will. Was disappointed there is no football at the school - I did find a team but it's not run by the school. There seems to be no after school activities? He doesn't want to do any anyway -he just wants to come home asap.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ceci03 · 16/01/2020 16:17

thanks for that MamToTeens. You're right - I have a 16 year old daughter who went through hell when she started secondary and ended up dropping out of school for a year. So I know all about it!

That's why I'm asking the question. Best not to contact the school again right. He's only 11. It is young to be thrown into a school of 2000 pupils. I know it's normal though. Just heartbreaking that's all. I'm trying to help him to make friends.

OP posts:
iklboo · 16/01/2020 16:19

He's a tiny fish in a huge pond right now. It is a big transition from primary to high school. Does his school have lunch time or after school activities he can join? DS made quite a lot of new friends from his.

Original poster
Ceci03 · 16/01/2020 16:20

I'm trying to find out about clubs. There's nothing on the website. I'll email them - even if I'm annoying and should know these things. Starting late I missed all the introductory stuff.

OP posts:
SagaBauer · 16/01/2020 16:20

No advice OP but my heart is breaking for him and you Flowers sounds really tough. I'm sure it is just a matter of time. Does he do classes with his tutor group or are they split up?

WombatStewForTea · 16/01/2020 16:21

What extra curricular activities are available? Most secondaries have multiple lunch and after-school clubs. This would give him a chance to meet new people and also have something to do at lunch so he's not alone.

What happened to his friends from primary?

Original poster
Ceci03 · 16/01/2020 16:26

we moved from a different country. Yeah I'll try and find out about clubs. Year 7 can go to the library at lunchtime and breaktime - there are games there, he's done that a few times I think. Yeah I think he will make friends, it's just getting him into the right atmosphere and situation. He needs a bit of time. I'm thinking of having a party for him - that way we would get some phone numbers. It's hard to organise meet ups outside of school when I don't know anyone.

OP posts:
Spied · 16/01/2020 16:27

Where are all his friends from primary?
Any local children who go to the same school and are Yr 7/8 who your ds could get to know on weekends/holidays and maybe walk to school with?
Does he see any of his old primary friends say, on a weekend?

Spied · 16/01/2020 16:27

Sorry just read last post

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 16/01/2020 16:31

My DD is y8 now but she went from being super popular and confident at primary school to being a socially awkward ridden year 7. It was painful to watch. I let her invite a few friends home after school (one a week for a couple of months) which seemed to help. Could you do the same thing?

Original poster
Ceci03 · 16/01/2020 16:32

how did you contact them sparepantsandtoothbrush

OP posts:
Original poster
Ceci03 · 16/01/2020 16:32

PS that's my worst nightmare and I feel so guilty to have uprooted ds when he was so happy and confident

OP posts:
Basilandparsleyandmint · 16/01/2020 16:40

My heart goes out to you both - it’s so hard seeing your DS upset. Secondary school can be a big adjustment.
My DS is in Y8, So we are quite new to it all still. How does it work with lessons and form? Do they get mixed up for lessons? With my DS they have lessons as a form and then in Y9 put into sets.
Can he not speak to one or two first thing and ask what the plan is for break/ lunch? A lot of the boys congregate and play football somewhere field in summer and yard winter. Has he had a look out to see if there is a game on - or sometimes they all go to the computer rooms/ library to catch up on work.
It will get betterSmile

toomanyleggings · 16/01/2020 16:40

Aww bless him.There will definitely be clubs. Clubs are big thing with ofsted atm. Also what about the library? Our library had board games out and kids can use the computers etc. Ring his form tutor as well and he/ she might make some suggestions.

Basilandparsleyandmint · 16/01/2020 16:41

Have just thought as well - a lot of them
Play online with head sets as he thought about that

karencantobe · 16/01/2020 16:43

Although this sounds very hard, there is nothing else the school can do. They have put in place activities for kids that are alone. They can't make kids be friends with him.

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 16/01/2020 16:45

Why on earth wouldn’t you contact a school if you’re child was crying every morning? I can’t believe what people put on here sometimes.

If he’s unhappy it’s going to affect his academic performance.

karencantobe · 16/01/2020 16:48

@Theemoji What do you think the school can do?

Panicmode1 · 16/01/2020 16:53

I feel your pain OP. My DS sounds similar to yours, in that he was v happy at primary with lovely friends but is really struggling to find his 'tribe' at school, despite being in the rugby team, doing extra curricular stuff etc. I was starting to despair, but in the past two days, we have had 2 party invitations, and he's plucked up the courage to ask one of the boys he thinks he'd like to be friends with, over after school tomorrow.

Do you have a class rep? Class WhatsApp (would normally steer well clear but in this case...!) Are there any 'new parent' events? If no to both of those, could you do what one of the parents in our class did, which was to email the Form Tutor and ask for an email to go out to the parents, suggesting a class contact list and asking people who wanted to be involved to email her with their phone and contact details. We have 24 of the 30 on the list, and over Christmas, one person organised a class event and half of the class pitched up. If it helps, almost all of the mothers I spoke to said their children were still struggling to find friends, so he won't be the only one.

I hope it gets better; it's heartbreaking when they are so upset.

aintnothinbutagstring · 16/01/2020 16:53

Yes, does he do any gaming? My DD is in y7 and plays Fortnite and rocket league with old primary friends and some new friends from secondary. Have you spoken to pastoral care? I'd encourage him to hang around the library more, librarians are good at dds school for taking children under their wing and giving them jobs to do. I'd also push him to try and get at least one person's phone number, whatever your feelings on phones, social media, gaming are, it's the way of the world now, it's fine as long as there is boundaries. Friendships change hugely, my DD started y7 knowing not a soul and has settled quite well but I've lost track of how many friendship groups she's been involved with, they are very transient. Try and find out more about clubs, there must be something. Does he have packed lunch or school dinners as having school dinners can be a bit of a bonding exercise too!

Panicmode1 · 16/01/2020 16:54

Don't know where my paragraphs went, I definitely put some in, sorry!