to contact the school AGAIN about ds - year 7

[Ceci03]

I think I probably shouldn't contact them again - they have tried to help. Long story short, DS started in Year 7 in November and is finding it really hard to make friends. He was popular and had lots of friends in his primary school so I don't think he has any social anxiety, just the usual feeling shy and a bit nervous. He says he cant find any of his class at lunch or break times. Sometimes he does. I've been thinking up lots of strategies - like being ready to run at the end of the class before break and lunch - asking the boys where they will be etc. I wrote to the year head on Monday saying he was crying every morning and at night time as he is worried. He doesn't like eating his lunch on his own etc. She replied and said he could go to this room for kids who are feeling vulnerable at lunchtime. So he tried it today, but he didn't go in as all the students in there were a lot older - had different colour jumpers. A couple of boys have asked for his phone number, but none of them seem to know their phone numbers - ds doesn't know his lol - and they are not allowed to get phones out in school. I got him to write his number on a few cards and he has them in his bag for the next time. I wish I could help him. I feel so guilty as he was soooooooo happy in his old school. And now he's getting depressed and miserable. He's doing football after school. Just have to hang in there I guess. Anyone else's Year 7's having trouble settling in. He was given a 'buddy' when he first started, and the boy is nice, but I think he's kinda forgotten about ds now at this stage.

Does the school not have a Transition Manager or Head of Transition? In our secondary the HoT would be the first port of call for a Y7 struggling to settle in.

Hope it gets better for you OP, it sounds hard. We were in a very similar situation to you before Christmas, but I think things are getting better now. Our school was really helpful, they set up a meeting with his pupil support/guidance teacher who was kind and reassuring, he was allowed to nominate another member of staff to talk to, who was made available to him and best of all, the school runs several lunchtime clubs a day and we insisted he sign up for two. If you live so close, would your DS be allowed to come home from school at lunch maybe one day a week just to ease the pressure a bit? Echo what aintnothinbutagstring says about school library. We also went a bit mad on outside activities, especially team sports, and he seems to have started making friends through that. My DH volunteered at one of them and got to know the other parents that way. Good luck

Although this sounds very hard, there is nothing else the school can do. They have put in place activities for kids that are alone. They can't make kids be friends with him.

Most decent schools will do something in this situation. They can tell him what clubs are where - his form tutor can let him know places where kids tend to hang out, she can pair him up with a likely friend and have them both do a little job for her at lunch time so they're both going onwards together.

If the tutor nows what's going on she may also be aware of other kids who are also struggling to settle and put them in touch to face lunch time together.

Karencantobe, I’m a secondary school teacher.

If that child was in my form, I’d be talking to him about how he feels. I’d buddy him with another child who felt a bit lost. I’d tell him to come to me whenever he felt he was struggling. I’d work with PSHE to cover friendships and adjustments. I’d make that extra bit of help available for him. They are absolute babies in Year 7 and they are overwhelmed so easily.

I’d alert the student support person and ask them to watch for him and talk to him. And to encourage him to go to speak to them.

I’d alert the mentor/counsellor that he was feeling vulnerable and lost.

I’d monitor the situation to see how things change. His subject teachers would be alerted to watch for issues, and would feedback any problems. I’d encourage the clubs, but not the room if it was full of older pupils. But our y7 have special areas they can go to if they feel it’s all too much.

This is just normal for Y7. But if a parent gets in touch it would always trigger action.

Does this answer your question?

@TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince

You sound great (I'm pretty terrified of my eldest going up to secondary but would feel much better if he had a form tutor like you!).

@MamToTeens

The school can’t give him friends, so why would you contact them?

So they can support him - buddy him up with another boy who's struggling, point him in the direction of lunch time clubs, give him some support if he's struggling during the school day, do something about friendships in PHSE, have a look at how he's interacting during form time and give him some pointers.

It is part of the remit that schools are responsible for the pastoral care of their students

I think he might benefit re a bit of coaching to be more socially confident. You say he 'can't find' friends at break, so, get him to say to someone approachable & friendly, that he likes "hey, where do you go at break, can I tag along'. They'd have to be vile to refuse etc. Poor thing. Social stuff is complex. I'd go into school again as socialising probs are devastating re self esteem (ex teacher) & he can't carry on like this, his learning & mental health will be affected.

Hi. Mine is in year 8 now. She started year 7 not knowing a single person because we moved like you have, except she was starting when the others started. There's been hiccups because of her SEN, but she's done OK. Her year group have a facebook group so it would be worth having a search for one or asking a teacher if there's a forum app they use (there was one for the primary school). Then make an opening post just introducing you and your son, Just state facts, that you've moved and he doesn't know anyone and are there any other kids in his form or year who are into (list some stuff he loves) and would any of them like to meet up and do something?

My daughter sorted things herself with the help of her year head, if they're a decent school then they'll listen even if you message a lot. It's a new thing for you all and he will settle in time but I'd be concerned at the volume of the crying happening. He's not been there that long. He should definitely go to that room they suggested. Some of those older kids will empathise with how he feels and they may have siblings in his year too.

My ds started y7 in September and knew no one - there was initial flurry of friends and then it all went wrong for Xmas term but its picking back up again now and he is starting to find his feet and settle down.

Def worth getting him gaming and knowing his user name thing so he can connect...controversial but even TikTok and insta if you can supervise it so he can start to connect with people.

I'd ring school and have a chat with tutor or hoy- not email. Explain he is really struggling with the transition and can they support him as well at school.

There is finding it hard and then there is inconsolably crying because he's overwhelmed so he needs some direction in school as well as out.

My heart breaks reading this, I’m in the exact same position with my son and I’m very worried that he’s not making firm friends. It’s good to know it’s not just me! I hope things settle down for us all soon xx