to think that you can solve relationship problems when DH is depressed with a drinking problem?

[Yolo89]

So DH and I went to see a couples counsellor late last year, as we have been having issues.

Mine being that DH is an alcoholic and has been lying about his drinking and coming home drunk and angry. He also suffers low level depression and this makes him I feel somewhat lacking in energy to do stuff. He could spend his whole weekend on his phone. I have found it very hard to cope with this for the past year.

DH feels I am very critical of him nagging him I guess, as he just seems to take forever to put children to bed etc, does not do their homework, read to them etc etc. He also feels as he is depressed sometimes, then it is like kicking a dead horse when they are down. Ie making him feel worse when he already feels bad.

That is not my intention, but I have not felt that supportive of having an angry drunk in the home yelling in front of children, telling me it is all about me, as I choose to look after myself and do my own thing and not get dragged down by him etc. I also feel very hurt at being lied to.

It came out in the counselling that I am in fact too angry at the moment to deal with our relationship until he sorts out his drinking and feels better in himself. He told me yesterday he does not feel happy in himself. I can see it. He is struggling with his identity /having a mid life crisis I am not sure. I am content with myself, but not happy about our relationship. I just don't see how things can improve whilst he is still drinking as the resentment towards him will continue. It is hard to support someone's low moods if they are also lying to you and angry and drinking.

I'd like to know what you think? Please go easy. I feel fragile and really do not know what to do.

You are so not being unreasonable.

Are either of you aware that alcohol is a depressant? He may feel that he's drinking to deal with low mood, but it lowers your mood.

I could have written this post.

My DH is an alcoholic in denial and sufferers with extreme depression. He also lies about his drinking and would have continued of DD1 hadn't opened his bank statement. "pub" "pub" "pub" all when he said he was working overtime whilst I was at home with 1 week old DD2 😕

After a couple of major arguments which involved me screaming and threatening him he eventually got himself to the docs and is now on some medication. He also has an ultrasound next week and I hope they tell him he needs to cut out the alcohol or else.

Unfortunately the depression and alcohol makes them EXTREMELY selfish and it wasn't until I tore him a new arsehole that he finally got a clue.

It's early stages but hopefully we are on the right track.

If he isn't on any less yet, he needs to go to docs. If he is he needs to change. Also my DH was prescribed specific vitamins within the "B" group. Apparently the alcohol wipes out this particular vitamin out and can contribute to low moods. Can't remember off top of my head what they are called. Will check tonight and let you know.

Chin up op xx ☺️

Jamie - yes we are both aware alcohol is a depressant. DH also on anti despressants and Dr has told him alcoholl cancels out the meds but still he continues...

Gemma, sorry you have been experiencing the same too. I have been extremely angry with DH but he always tries to blame me for his problems. He takes meds, sees a counsellor, goes to a version of AA but still it seems to get nowhere...

Then he blames me for not being supportive. I don't know how to act around someone that is this way...

Gemma - the vitamin info would be helpful if you find out.

He is the one choosing to take a mood and behaviour-altering intoxicant. He is the one causing all the problems in your relationship.

Drop the relationship counselling and take yourself to Al-Anon. It's the support group for family members of alcoholics.

You are not being unreasonable. The counsellor is right, he needs to deal with the alcoholism before you two can address the rest of it - because you can bet his addiction is the root cause of the majority of your problems.

And you can support him, but that isn't what he wants. He wants you to stop talking about his drinking and associated behaviour. He wants you to enable him.

For now, stop trying to help him and start helping yourself. Find a local support group for families of addicts and get help so you can set boundaries, find your strength and detach from the crap that he needs to take responsibility for. Al-anon is on option but there are others.

I have been where you are. I am now a widow (he died during the divorce) and honestly, life without a depressed alcoholic in it is so much better.

Jamie, yes this is what he does not see. He just feels I am critical and this kicks him when he is down and therefore I am the bad guy. Even last night he came home drunk and just does not realise the impact on the family it has. He picked up the children drunk. He thinks he is not drunk but if I can notice a difference in his behaviour then he is under the influence and it affects his behaviour, mood etc.

He blamed clutter in our house last night as the root of our problems. ANything else but saying it is him.

His family dont believe me. I feel so betrayed and isolated.

I have been getting some counselling. I dont feel ready yet for al -anon.

It takes time. It took me far too long to admit that there was a problem and then to admit that I had to end the marriage.

Think hard and honestly about what your children will learn from their father and his behaviour. Unless they are very tiny they will already know something is wrong.

Vitamin wise, it’s usually B12 supplements.

I know you say he goes to counselling, is on meds and does AA but is he actively engaging in/with these? If he’s still drinking consistently then my guess is that he isn’t and he’s doing those thing for “show” rather than for the purpose of getting better.

He needs a wake up call that he will lose everything, including his family, if he doesn’t start to engage properly. Yes, he has an addiction but to overcome that he does need to participate in actively fighting it.

Do not allow him to blame you for any of this. These are his choices to make. If he chooses to respond to his emotions by drinking himself silly that is on him and only him. You do not make, nor cause, him to drink. He has a choice every single time. It’s a hard choice but still a choice nonetheless.

If he is physically addicted he may need some help to manage withdrawal symptoms better. What has the GP said about that? Has he been referred specifically for alcohol dependency support? Take a look at this link.....

www.nhs.uk/live-well/alcohol-support/

I dont feel ready yet for al -anon.

It's not easy. I never dared go, because that meant telling other people what was going on. With the benefits of hindsight, I should have gone. A lot in my life might be different.

It's done now, but you should seek out other people in the situation. It will help you see through the excuses faster, because honestly, people in the grip of a dependance all use the same excuses.

My experience is tells me that you can't fix this. Only he can and doesn't want to. All you can do is walk away to protect your own and your children's mental health.

I stayed way too long trying to support and help my ex. I've spent a damn sight longer in therapy getting over it.

#Yolo I could have written your last post. I have lived with DP' s drinking/depression for 10 years . He always drank but lost his job and went downhill. He is,a functioning alcoholic. He blames everything but himself.
We are finally separating. I should have gone before. I feel so guilty for the effect the toxic atmosphere has had on our teenage son .

Totally with you on the "his family don't believe you" FIL took him out to read him the riot act and it turned into a slagging me off meeting. He is extremely manipulative with his M&D and he wraps them round his little finger due to what he went through as a kid. They think they are helping but most of the time the indulge him and make matters worse 😔

I'm afraid you are being unreasonable to think you can do anything with an alcoholic. You can't. You can only live your own life. Al-Anon will really help with this.

You can't trust an alcoholic to do anything except drink. The less you expect of him the happier you'll be. You might come to think what's the point of being married to him so? And you'd be right.

Easiest thing to do is make sure everyone you know knows so you'll get some support.

Thanks for all your very helpful replies. I am sad so many have to go through this.

He is going to the support groups, counselling as he definitely wants to work on himself but I don't think he is 100% committed to stopping drinking. He knows on one level it is wrong but fine on the other.

He is not working at the moment as he contracts and it finished so this does not help. He was job hunting whilst drinking, then picked our DC after 3 pints. Then he wonders why I com home and I am upset at not having a sober, rational husband to talk to. He thinks he is perfectly fine, but he is not.

He just is trying to blame me saying I am super critical of him and just boss him round. I think this nagging etc has built up over the years after having children and my frustration at him just not doing things very efficiently.

But he has told his parents this so they side with him and think our relationship and the way I treat him is the problem, not his drinking. His mum flat out does not believe me and it it is deeply hurtful. I actually cannot talk to her right now as I am so hurt. It is become us and them and I am the bad guy cause I dared tell the truth.

Gemma it is awful not being believed isn't it? I just don't know how to solve this. He wants more couples couselling as he sees this as a two way street. In my head he needs to be happy and sort out his drinking before anything else can progress. He will not see things from my point of view at all. He calls himself an alcoholic but seems so selfish at the moment and just cares more about the drinking than his family.

Sandgrown and where's my choc

I am so sorry you have been through similar. I just feel I want to try and stay together but the toxicity will remain whilst he drinks.

Our relationship has taken a nose dive since his drinking has become a problem this past year.

Before this things were fine. He still had the same issues of me being critical but it really didnt affect our relationship to this desparate stage.

I am sick of listening to his rhetoric about blaming me. I dont know who can tell him he needs to fix himself before anything can get better.

He keeps saying I am making our issues his fault and we are in a relationship so we need to both work on things. But I am not getting drunk and not being rational. I dont even know how to respond to this any more.

I am trying to get his sister to talk to him but honestly she doesnt really believe me fully as she has not seen him in an awful state either.

Yolo addiction makes people selfish. It changes their brain chemistry so that feeding the addiction becomes their top priority. In one sense they cannot entirely help it - but the selfishness is real, and so are its consequences.

I think you need to seek out support sooner rather than later. Support groups are not judgemental. You will be listened to, understood and provided with strategies that will help. No-one will feed you false hope.

Start preparing for the possibility that your marriage may end.

You aren't being unreasonable. I made myself ill with stress and anxiety trying to support my ex with his depression and increasing alcohol issues. It was all turned around onto me. Like you I also asked his family for support which they did not give. He was a bottomless pit and I had nothing left to give in terms of support so I left him when the children were 6m and 3y. I came to realise it would never get better and it was a case of doing it while the children were still young. You have to take care of yourself

Then he wonders why I com home and I am upset at not having a sober, rational husband to talk to. He thinks he is perfectly fine, but he is not.

I hear you. It's been years, but I still remember the frustration of argumentative, angry drunkards who insist that they are fiiiine and that they haven't drunk anything.

You can hear it, you can see it and it leaves you walking on eggshells trying to compensate for their erratic behaviour.

Just walked in the front door to find a cam of cider on the go. 🙄

One good thing is that he doesn't get angry I suppose 🤷‍♀️

@Yolo89

It's a Thiamine deficiency that alcoholics suffer from. That's why doc has prescribed them. The deficiency cam cause irritability, which along with the booze and depression.... Not a good combo x

The environment your children are living in is dreadful, and the impact of this will follow them the rest of their lives.

As long as your husband continues to drink, nothing will ever improve, and it will only get worse. If he refuses to stop drinking, he needs to leave. Let his mother deal with him.

I make my DH take thiamine, B compound, a multivitamin on top and omega oils.

He has a long-term drinking problem which he semi-acknowledges. The vitamins really do make a huge difference though, he is a lot calmer and happier on them. He notices the difference himself too and says he feels worse if he even skips one day (B vitamins particularly).

He still has the drinking problem to face, but the vitamins have made his moods (or rather lack of moods now!) much more bearable.

Oh I just relate to so much of what you are all saying.

Beeznees - it is a bottomless pit. I just don't know what he wants from me. At the same time as he wants support from me, he is coming home drunk, thinks he can manage quite fine to deal with the children when he cannot, lies to me about drinking or how much, drinks out by himself rather than being with us, gets angry when drunk or when sober and probably wanting a drink and making light of the affect it has on me. After all this, he wants me to be all warm and fuzzy towards him and support him and his depression. He says I am not at fault for this bit constantly blames me. He is not happy, so how on earth can the house be happy. He says he has no freedom. Does he think I do, now I have kids. He goes out from work a a whim. I can never do this. What planet is he on. And I am the bad guy. Just dont know where to go from here. Everyone including his folks are enabling him.

Patricia and Gemm - interesting re the vitamins. I might give them a shot.

Aqua - agree. He thinks we both need to change. He does not understand the relationship took a nose dive when he started drinking heavily. So whilst I have things to work on in the relationship, I dont deserve a drunk husband.