to think that you can solve relationship problems when DH is depressed with a drinking problem?

[Yolo89]

So DH and I went to see a couples counsellor late last year, as we have been having issues.

Mine being that DH is an alcoholic and has been lying about his drinking and coming home drunk and angry. He also suffers low level depression and this makes him I feel somewhat lacking in energy to do stuff. He could spend his whole weekend on his phone. I have found it very hard to cope with this for the past year.

DH feels I am very critical of him nagging him I guess, as he just seems to take forever to put children to bed etc, does not do their homework, read to them etc etc. He also feels as he is depressed sometimes, then it is like kicking a dead horse when they are down. Ie making him feel worse when he already feels bad.

That is not my intention, but I have not felt that supportive of having an angry drunk in the home yelling in front of children, telling me it is all about me, as I choose to look after myself and do my own thing and not get dragged down by him etc. I also feel very hurt at being lied to.

It came out in the counselling that I am in fact too angry at the moment to deal with our relationship until he sorts out his drinking and feels better in himself. He told me yesterday he does not feel happy in himself. I can see it. He is struggling with his identity /having a mid life crisis I am not sure. I am content with myself, but not happy about our relationship. I just don't see how things can improve whilst he is still drinking as the resentment towards him will continue. It is hard to support someone's low moods if they are also lying to you and angry and drinking.

I'd like to know what you think? Please go easy. I feel fragile and really do not know what to do.

Jamie - yes it is awful.. They are obviously affected. Their eyes look terrible. They muddle words. They repeat or forget things and they think they are fine. My DH forgot he was supposed to make dinner for the children then randomly announced he was going to pick up jeans at 7.30. I was speechless. I just let him go and do his random errand shaking my head in disbelief. He had also told me he had been looking for a job in a pub whilst having 3 pints.

At the risk of being cynical I would have to say your H is right about one thing, rather like a stopped clock. You do need to change. You need to find the strength to stop enabling him so that he has to take responsibility for his addiction. That probably isn't what he means, though.

Has anyone ever had experience of them stopping drinking?

Do their moods improve etc or does it take alot of time.

I know two people who stopped, with much hard work. It didn't take long for them to become more human again, but full mental health took longer.

pointy how am I enabling him? I really am .not sure what you mean?

You can’t control his actions, only yours and for your sake and DC you need to make changes, he obviously isn’t going to address his drinking so you have to make difficult decisions about the future otherwise you and DC will drift along in damaging toxic environment, you can’t reason with unreasonable and that’s exactly what addicts are, they will protect and deny their addiction at all costs, it’s time to take action OP, nothing will change until you do

Yolo you are enabling him by permitting life as usual to continue. You are enabling him by allowing him to be in the house, drinking, being drunk around your children, letting them see him like that. I know how harsh that sounds, but it's true. I did it too. I should have left 2 years before I finally called time on it and set some boundaries. Be better than I was, for the sake of your children.

You can't say 'I'm not ready for Al-Anon' when your DC are having to live around a father who is addicted. Your first duty is to them, your second to yourself. Your children can't protect themselves, only you can protect them.

Life cannot continue as it is now. It has to change. He won't make the changes, so you have to. It is hard. I know, because I have done it. I did it too late, I live with my failures every day. My DDs are both in therapy because of their father and also because of my lack of early action. DD2 has PTSD.

He needs to stop drinking, do rehab properly, work on his mental health - or the marriage ends, you and your children go it alone.

You are enabling him by allowing him to live in a house where everything is done for him, when he's not even fucking working, drinking what he wants.

He won't stop until he has to stop. Do an ultimatum: no more alocohol in the house, and he stops going to the pub or he can go and live at mummy's, useless twat.

Our culture around alcohol is so fucked. Why is it expected that men will constantly drink? The expectation should be that everyone is sober all the time, unless a special occasion, not chugging cans of cider in the house

So just to paint am accurate picture, I don't allow him to drink at home although I find hidden cans.

I don't condone the drinking at all, but neithet can I police him 24/7. I have taken hom to drs, found him.a counsellor etc

He contracts so is between contracts not sitting home not working.

We have no family in.the country he can go to.

I really don't see how it is enabling?? I don't drinl, I dont like him.to.

Pointy I am sorry you had such devastatimg after affects. But do you kicl someone out before giving them.a chance to change? This has been going on for less tyan a year.

I

*kick

You can't sort relationship problems out until he's sober, and maybe not even then.

From someone who stayed far too long with an alcoholic, 'working on relationship issues', it's not you, it's him, and I'd suggest a temporary separation until gets treatment for his drinking, gets sober, and stays sober.

Yolo

I understand how it feels to be told you are enabling, when you feel you are fighting against the drinking all the time. It feels like shit and it feels wrong and it feels like posters are blaming you for his problem.

There is a way to understand 'enabling' in a way that simply describes, and doesn't judge, but it's hard to get there. Have you been able to get to any Al Anon meetings ? That might be helpful.

Fwiw, I don't judge you and I don't judge myself. We do the best we can do with what we know at the time.

But I have enabled, by not kicking him out and making it very clear that I would not tolerate the drinking at all, ever. There are complicated reasons, including a fear of him having unsupervised access to children, but it is what it is. A long hisotry of enabling.

Your situation may be different; if you can hear the posts that talk about enabling, and think they might apply, they are probably worth reading, but if you can't, don't beat yourself up about it.

Could you maybe switch to individual counselling ? (Sorry if this was asked earlier, I haven't read the whole thread).

As far as your question goes, do you kick someone out after less than a year, yes, probably. Unless he is actively engaged in recovery.

Yolo - giving him a chance is reasonable, but if he doesn't want to change then nothing will change for the better. (But it could quite feasibly change for the worse).
Right now, he wants to keep drinking, and he's blaming you for all of his problems.
He's not going to improve while this is the case, is he? And neither is anything else.

For a relationship to improve, both have to work at it.
You can't change someone, only they can change themselves.
You can't fix someone else's alcohol problem. You can't control it.

If his drinking is the main source of your relationship problems, and he refused to address it, then your only options are to accept it or leave him.

Hi OP, just to offer some hope in your situation, I think things can improve, if he stops drinking. It might take a real shock for him to make that happen - in my partner's case it was being hospitalised with severe alcohol withdrawal. I was about a month away from leaving though, so perhaps that would have been the turning point if we'd got there. Things have been a lot better since then although it was a rough few months. I had a hard time coming to terms with the idea I'd been enabling him, but any time you do anything to protect him from the consequences of his actions, that's enabling.
I hope you have some support and I hope things improve for you.

Yolo I understand your need to give your H a chance to change. That is fair enough. But you say you will not have drinking in the house and then tell us he is secretly drinking and hiding cans. That isn't trying to change, and when you allow him to continue this kind of selfish deception, you are enabling him. You are telling him by your actions - or lack of actions - that he can do what he wants and there will be no consequences for him. Going to support group will help you understand the concept of enabling better. You will also learn about codependency.

I gave my husband almost 7 years. I loved him, I wanted to keep our family together, the good times were really good and that kept me where I was. I regret it intensely. I made all the mistakes you are just starting to make. I can't recommend an Al-Anon type support group strongly enough.

A year is long enough. I wish I'd managed it that quickly.

I grew up with an alcoholic stepfather, it drove my already eccentric Mother really quite insane and she was probably an alcoholic as well though she was better at hiding it. My younger sister is now an alcoholic and has had an awful destructive life. I am a very occasional drinker as tbh alcohol scares me.

I find MN very quick to say LTB but look at to how much this could mess up your dc. Lots of addicts are self medicating their own internal pain and maybe their stories are very sad and we can feel sorry for them but don’t do this to your dc. Set a time limit, I’m not sure what’s reasonable and tell him it will be over unless he engages and tries and there is improvement. He then has a choice the bottle or his family.

theyrazed - thanks for your responses. They are very helpful.
I feel I am caught between a rock and a hard place. I tried for a while to moniter everything and have a massive go at him everytime I found a can in the house etc. I also said I would not tolerate it in the house nor would i tolerate it full stop. I took him to the dr. I found him a counsellor. But all he did was tell me a) I am outsourcing the problem (WTF) and b) I am babying him. So I backed off a bit as it was causing me too much angst and not really helping.

The reality is due to our circumstances - he cannot move out anywhere else at the moment and neither can I. For financial and family reasons. Nothing could happen for 18 months at least.

So what do I do?
Pointy I really appreciate your advice and do take it on board as you sadly have had to endure this painful situation. I just dont know what to do. When I find cans I tell him I am not happy and I express my unhappiness when he is drunk. Which is not every day. But he obviously does not see it. What kind of time limit do I give him?

He keeps telling me he is trying. By going to an AA or version of, an alcohol service the Dr but then he continues to actively drink. He does not take my threats seriously as he knows I cannot feasibly leave at the moment. Do I give him 6 months to get sober? How do I act when he is drunk? All I do is try and not engage when he is drunk and just carry on with what I am doing with the children.

I am open to suggestions of how to handle this on-going. I am really at a loss as to how to deal with the here and now. I will not and cannot put up with this for years as it will do my head in. But how do handle it now? He has a want to stop but also a desire to keep drinking. His parents think it is a relationship problem. I just give up

I have been seeing an individual counsellor which has been helpful.

Weird, I agree. He just does not seem to. He thinks we both need to work on our realtionship and that will solve all the problems. Not true.

Lwei - our relationship took a nose dive this year. Coincidentally when he started drinking heavily. He does not see the correlation. I just dont know who else can make him see. His family dont believe me as they only believe what they see and they see him deliberately only having one drink and say he cant be an alcoholic as he only has one drink. It makes me want to scream.

Twinstar - it is great to hear your story to know there is hope . Thank u.

Ms M - Yes I agree. A time limit. I am thinking 6 months to get sober. If he doesn't then something has to happen.

Ignore him and work on your finances so that you can get out if necessary.

Al-Anon is brilliant.

Apileofballyhoo has it. Work to improve your finances. Find out exactly where you stand - he isn't working and that isn't great, so look to improve your own work situation. If you are homeowners, find out how much equity there is. If he has any pension pots, find out about those too. Meanwhile make sure that any child benefit/tax credits if you are not on UC are paid into your account and that he doesn't have access to it so he can't blow it on booze.

Give up telling him you don't want him to drink, that you hate it, that he isn't allowed to do it. He knows. His addiction is stronger. He is showing no sign at all that he is ready to change and he won't - not until he has lost his marriage. He hasn't hit his rock bottom.

It does sound though as if you have hit yours, so start going to Al-Anon and start planning for a future without him. If it takes 18 months so be it - but get support so you can detach from him emotionally and leave him with minimal feelings of guilt (you will have some - they are unavoidable).

Thank you. All good suggestions. DH is working - inbetween contracts but think he is about to start another contract. He is the sole bread winner at the moment whilst I complete study. I will be employed as soon as I finish. I have some inheritance.

So I shouldn't give him a timeframe or say I disapprove or anything? Whatever I do is shite frankly. If i stay quiet I silently seeth and if I am angry then I am angry all the time. It is a no win situation.

Worst thing is not having his family on board.

It is really hard, Yolo. I have tried speaking out and seething quietly - neither made me feel any better. The only thing that did was going to a support group where I was with people who were in the same situation, people who understood everything I was feeling because they had been there. I went because I have my DH an ultimatum - rehab or divorce. I gave him 6 weeks to choose. He ran away from our family holiday during the 6 weeks - which was when I realised how blissful life is without an alcoholic around because DDs and I had an amazing holiday and didn't miss him.

In the end he chose rehab, and that came with the support group - which I kept attending after he completed (and failed at ) rehab. I still go now. These days I'm one of the people who support the newbies like you - the ones who are still working to find themselves.

I've seen a lot of people find strength and support from others. It's the one thing that gave me a little inner peace. Having that peace will allow you to hang in there, prepare, finish your studies, find work, then go it alone. Just take that first step and reach out.