To insist on an apology

[80skid]

This morning, I slept in later than I usually do, in no small part due to the distinct lack of sleep from being up with children every night for the last couple of weeks. I had a showery, then told eldest to get straight in shower as DH also needed a shower but was making breakfast. I told eldest 3 times to get in the shower (one bathroom - we have to maximise bathroom usage and if it's empty, someone needs to get in!). When I was dressed, I found eldest sitting eating his breakfast.....I asked him why he wasn't in the shower.
Many apologies for the tedious tale of woe, but the upshot is that DH exploded with rage, saying I had been rude to him. (I hadn't), he got up an hour late (not my fault) had lots of work to (wow), that someone had ruined tomorrow by demanding his time (again nothing to do with me). The upshot was lots of shouting and him screaming at me to fuck off, slamming doors and banging things about. All while our 3 children were sitting eating their breakfast.
In all honesty, I don't care about the shower shenanigans. I do not accept being yelled at like that at all, but in front of our young children and before school is completely unacceptable. When we have argued in the past, it's generally involved a bit of sulking afterwards but never any acknowledgement of wrong doing or apology. I need my kids to see that a) it is not ok to behave like this, that b) you need to make a stand if someone treats you like this and c) you must own your mistakes and apologise when in the wrong.
This is all great in theory, but I really don't rate my chances of him apologising. We've been together almost 20 years and there has never once been one. His parents have a completely dysfunctional relationship (dad a narcissist and bully) do he has grown up seeing his mum treated like this. He is better than this, really he is, but there's a big part of me that thinks if I let this go, I am setting a precedent I don't want to.
We do have an otherwise happy marriage, so maybe I should let this go for the greater good?

You need to talk to him about how he spoke to you. If things are generally ok, I’d expect he’ll apologise anyway.

Is he particularly stressed at the moment?

I didn't completely understand why he got do angry, but there's never an excuse for shouting and swearing like that. You need an apology and for him to understand that he is teaching your children that this is normal behaviour (just as he was taught).
and best wishes.

I'm not sure I'd pick a personal and family apology as a hill to die on if he's never behaved like this before, and he's also never apologised before for lesser things, as you're on a hiding to nothing or a strictly Pyrrhic victory ime. Instead, try and get him to understand that he needs to manage his stress better and this cannot be repeated.

Of course his behaviour was unacceptable, but I'd start by asking him if there are routine changes that can help his stress levels, explain that this was out of character for him and that it made you feel bad and leave him to draw his own conclusions rather than having another fight about an apology. Of course he knows he's acted in an unacceptable way if he doesn't typically have this pattern of behaviour.

@Wiltinglillies you and me both - I have no idea why he behaved like this. It was completely disproportionate and unnecessary.
He isn't under any particular stress at the moment. He then started complaining that my mum is now going school run tomorrow (as she normally does on a Friday, but wasn't due to family sickness which has now improved allowing her to do it and for him to not have to cover). Apparently he's sick of being told what to do and people conspiring to keep him at work, despite complaining he needs time at work and doing school run is inconvenient.
There's a distinct lack of logic and consistency. Unfortunately he doesn't do "talking". He does having his say then withdrawing. If I try to talk, that's me having a go, nagging or starting a fight.

I think some of you need to start showering at night time

Thanks bakewreck99, that sounds helpful

OP, have you considered a marriage course? They're like "counselling lite". They focus on things like communication and conflict resolution.

In other words, I would be less concerned about an apology for this specific occasion (although I agree that of course he should apologise), and more focused on getting him to commit to improving things going forwards.

How were you supposedly rude to him?

I don’t understand how you were rude to DH, OP? You asked your eldest why he wasn’t in the shower, how was that being rude to DH?

Please don’t let this go. He sounds like a gas lighting, shouty twat and a terrible example to children.

Also, please don’t dismiss the silent treatment as a bit of sulking, it’s abusive behaviour.

Apparently I said "why isn't he in the shower?" in a rude way. I did ask DS why he wasn't in the shower in a "you've been told 3 times already" kind of way, but not in a rude or cross way - I was trying to avoid DH being cross that someone was in the shower when he wanted it! In now way did I speak rudely at all - I am very much the peace keeper in this house but I've kind of had enough of letting being spoken to like shit go in the quest for household harmony

it's funny as that pattern of behaviour and what he's saying really sounds like my DH when stressed - you know what stresses my DH out? Changes to routine and having to juggle lots of things in one day. My DH will also moan both about doing a drop off and then a last minute change to avoid that because he won't like the quick notice change!

Yes, I'd try and think about how the communication works & communication styles too - my DH is a tricky customer for communications, I've tried emailing things to him rather than catching him when he gets home and needs downtime - mornings are often a flashpoint when everyone is rushing.

I agree that it would be easier if the children showered at night time, otherwise you need to go over the cast iron schedule with them! Someone late in the shower will tip us all into late too.

So you are walking on eggshells trying to keep the bathroom free for him and he repays you by shouting at you. If he wants to be showered in time, he needs to get up early. Stop facilitating him.

This is no life OP.

I can’t believe the number of people minimising the DH’s behaviour due to communication and stress

Have people missed the bit where he exploded with rage and him shouting and him screaming at me to fuck off slamming doors and banging things about. All while our 3 children were sitting eating their breakfast.

This is not about communication, this is about the DH being abusive.

Apparently I said "why isn't he in the shower?" in a rude way.
To ds?
Yet dh explodes with rage about it?? Why??

I was trying to avoid DH being cross that someone was in the shower when he wanted it! In no way did I speak rudely at all - I am very much the peace keeper in this house

Sounds like you walk on eggshells round your dh. He doesn't sound great at all from what you've posted here. Dh hasn't ap[ologisedd to you for anythgn in 20 years, and

unfortunately he doesn't do "talking". He does having his say then withdrawing. If I try to talk, that's me having a go, nagging or starting a fight.

That's emotionally abusive. He has his say, but he won't allow you yours? I'd be rethinking my options. Sounds like your dc are being exposed to all sorts of crappy dynamics about the role of a woman and a man in a relationship.

He shuts you down so you don't have a voice.

Do you like living like that?

Consider asking for a divorce rather than apology.

maybe I should let this go for the greater good?

What good? Teaching your kids the opposite of your list of points important to you they learn?

This is so reminiscent of the early threads by Jamais. They started here:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238
There are multiple threads so I'd recommend just reading the OP's posts as otherwise it will take too long to get through them.

Your husband sounds very similar to hers. There is only going to be peace and harmony in your house if you all do exactly what he wants you to do - and you are also a mind reader to figure out what it is he wants you to do. Like with your mum doing the school run. He's busy at work so was annoyed at having to do the school run but now he's annoyed that she can do it so he doesn't have to. He's just keeping you guessing, keeping you off balance, keeping the control.

The never apologising and refusing to discuss it is exactly the same. Making it all out to be your fault.

Eventually you will come to see this for the abuse it is.

Non-abusive homes don't require peace keepers.

The fact you describe yourself as a 'peace-keeper' worries me and suggests that if you didn't all tip-toe around your DH, this would happen on a more regular basis. Or have I got the wrong end of the stick?

Either way, behaving like that in front of and within ear-shot of your DC is unacceptable. As is screaming at you to 'fuck off'.

He needs to manage his workload better, and his stress. And his temper. I'm sure the school run is 'inconvenient' for most working parents, but he doesn't get special dispensation for it because he's busy at work.

unfortunately he doesn't do "talking". He does having his say then withdrawing. If I try to talk, that's me having a go, nagging or starting a fight

Red flags for emotional abuse. Every single point in that sentence.

I think deep down you know this, but you've been minimising it for a long time. I hope posting here can help you to realise that this is not a healthy way to life, and that you and DC deserve better. Even if it's hard to hear.

I think the problems run deeper OP in that you do paint a picture of doing everything to minimise stress and interactions on him.

THis morning you didnt you took an hour to yourself and he couldnt cope

Peace keepers are only needed in war zones.

I wouldn't demand an apology, what the point in an adult being made to apologise like a child. They should apologise because they are actually sorry.

I have been known to shout at my dp and tell him to fuck off when we are fighting, and slam a few doors, but it doesn't sound like you were fighting. I can't really understand what his outburst was about. Who were you supposedly being rude to?

OK sorry just read the update.

Your DH was totally unacceptable to speak you you in that manner.

No excuse.