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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum asking for money

42 replies

SaltwaterCrocodile · 15/01/2020 22:11

I’m living at home at the moment. Pay ‘rent’ to my mum and also buy food shopping give her half towards any household jobs that need doing (diy and things like that).

I have a brother who gives her nothing. He always says to her he hasn’t got any money to give her yet at the moment is on a 3 week holiday in America Hmm. I haven’t been abroad for about 10 years.

My AIBU is that my mum keeps asking me for money all the time and I want to say no but feel really guilty about it.

I’m trying to save to move out so have a couple of grand which she knows about. I’ve already given her about £500 in the last couple of months and have paid for a weekend end which was just over £500 for us in the next month which she’s supposed to be paying me back for (it’s for a family celebration).

She’s asked me to give her a few months rent in advance which would basically mean giving her all my savings. I wouldn’t mind so much if it was just that and I knew I could save what I usually give her back up but I know she’ll end up asking for more. And I feel it’s really unfair that she’s asking me to make up for my brother not giving her anything when she doesn’t even ask him for a basic amount. There’s other things going on with my brother which may be clouding my view of this from him (we’re pretty much NC due to the way he acts generally).

How do I say no without feeling guilty? Because she knows I’ve got the money but just wouldn’t be giving it to her!

OP posts:
Serenity45 · 15/01/2020 22:18

If you don't want to tackle her directly about the disparity in how you and your brother are treated, I'd be tempted to say that the money's in an account you can't access for a period of time. Say a year. If you withdraw there are heavy penalties but it's much higher interest.

19lottie82 · 15/01/2020 22:19

How much rent are you paying? Do you buy your own food? What’s the market rent for a flat share in the area? TBH £500 for a “couple of months”, doesn’t sound like a lot

Original poster
SaltwaterCrocodile · 15/01/2020 22:22

@19lottie82 that wasn’t £500 in rent, it was rent plus an extra £500 which she’s already borrowed over the last couple of months. Sorry I didn’t explain that clearly.

OP posts:
WrongKindOfFace · 15/01/2020 22:22

TBH £500 for a “couple of months”, doesn’t sound like a lot

I think that was on top of the rent?

Can you not move out sooner? Depending on where you live it might not cost much more than you’re paying now.

eminencegrise · 15/01/2020 22:26

I'd find a place on spareroom.com and move NOW. Tell her you can't access the money because you put it in premium bond.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/01/2020 22:27

What is “rent” and does it include bills?

Your situation rings many bells so I think you’ve posted before. You can’t do anything about the imbalance between her expectations of your brother and you. If you don’t want to give her more money then don’t and try to save every penny so you can move out. But if you’re not paying her much and she’d struggling for money then you may feel guilty and have to just absorb that. Don’t waste any energy on resenting your brother. Life isn’t fair. Families aren’t fair.

Are you being realistic about the costs of living on your own?

Cherrysoup · 15/01/2020 22:29

Is your brother earning similar to you? Why isn’t he paying? I’d tell her no and say your brother should be contributing, obviously.

Polarbearshare · 15/01/2020 22:32

Rent a room via spareroom i did and it was great. If she ask how much you rent you pay add a couple of hundred on top so that she knows you don't have spare cash. Complain a lot about expenses you have- work on car, short course, work clothes.

Lulualla · 15/01/2020 22:32

How are you NC with your brother if you all live together?

You either need to find a room to rent and leave this month, or sit down with her and agree the monthly rent you need to pay her. This figure must include DIY stuff. Make it clear that you will not he paying anything else towards the house. Then discuss food shop and agree that you will buy your own/pay one third/whatever makes sense to you. End the conversation by restating the agreed figures and reiterate that you will not give her anymore than that.

HeckyPeck · 15/01/2020 22:33

Agree with previous posters who say to tell her you’ve put the money in a saving account you can’t access.

Perhaps she wants the money to stop you being able to move out as she wants her cash cow to still be available.

I’d honestly look at finding a room somewhere else ASAP.

It will be cheaper over all and you won’t be used for money or have to live with your brother.

Retroflex · 15/01/2020 22:35

Tell her that you are sorry, but your savings are tied up in an inaccessible isa account or something, and perhaps your brother could start paying her if she's struggling so much as you are already giving her the maximum amount that you can afford.

Also, as other people have suggested, maybe it's time for you to find alternative accommodation, although perhaps if your mum sees you looking for a new place to live because of her unreasonable demands for money she'll stop asking!

Purpleartichoke · 15/01/2020 22:36

I agree, If you are staying, there needs to be a set rent amount that doesn’t vary for projects. Yes, you should be contributing, but I am pretty sure I have read other posts from OP and the mother isn’t respecting boundaries or really being supportive on providing a good launch for her kids. Firm amounts on set dates are going to be a good buffer until you can move out.

I would not loan her money or pay her in advance.

GreenTulips · 15/01/2020 22:38

You need to plead poverty

You also need to ask to see the bills and work out a standard budget and get DB to contribute

Supersimkin2 · 15/01/2020 22:42

Mate, you'd be better off with a landlord who doesn't ask to borrow money every 10 secs. Where's the family bond in the commercial rent she's charging you?

Look on spareroom and move out, tell everyone commercial rent is cheaper and easier. Including Mommy Dearest.

2020BetterBeBetter · 15/01/2020 22:42

I think this is two separate issues - the difference in treatment between you and your brother, and your mother wanting you to give her money to cover your stay.

Realistically is it cheaper to stay at your mum’s house rather than lodging somewhere cheap whilst you save?

MsVestibule · 15/01/2020 22:52

I really, really hope you're not the woman from Ireland who posted about this almost-exactly-the-same scenario a couple of years ago.

Original poster
SaltwaterCrocodile · 15/01/2020 23:00

Rent includes bills yes, I’m not earning a great deal at the moment but give her around 40% of what I earn as rent and buy food on top of that. Trying to save up a bit as well and have my own personal bills (phone, pet insurance, food etc) so cant give her more than I already do really.

I don’t resent giving her rent, I wouldn’t stay here and give her nothing but I resent being asked for more all the time when she doesn’t even ask my brother for a token amount. He earns more than I do at the moment.

I’ve just finished studying for a course and hope to be able to get a better job soon because of this. I’m looking to move out ASAP after this. I’m on my own with no partner so am struggling to find somewhere I can afford at the moment and every time I manage to get a bit saved up, my mums asking for money to lend!

No I’m not the poster from Ireland, I’m in England.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 15/01/2020 23:04

See how your brother just says he hasn’t any to give her?
Do that.
Assuming you’re not paying a pisstakingly low amount now (and it doesn’t sound like it) she’s being totally unfair.
I think you need to stand firm or move out.

MsVestibule · 15/01/2020 23:10

I'm really glad you're not her. She posted several times over several months, complaining about the same scenario but never did anything to change it and I'd hate to think nothing had changed.

Just say no. Honestly. 'Mum, if you're short of money, ask Nathan. Why do I have to pay you so much to live here when he doesn't contribute a single penny?'.

GoodDogBellaBoo · 15/01/2020 23:18

How old are you and your brother?

cstaff · 15/01/2020 23:39

Just say no and find a rent a room for yourself. That's the only solution to this I'm afraid OP.

PurpleTrilby · 15/01/2020 23:43

Time to get your business head on. Fuck family stuff when it comes to cold, hard rent money. Separate it out. Business first. Everything else second. Sounds like you have been bearing far too much, let go if you want.

PurpleTrilby · 15/01/2020 23:46

Actually, fuck it, just get out of there, you can have a much better time than this shit. Plot your escape and just go. Fuck em.

safariboot · 16/01/2020 00:04

Reading between the lines. It's plausible your mum doesn't want you to move out, and is thus deliberately trying to undermine you from doing so.

40% of your income is above the normal standards of rent affordability.

Is ~£2000 in the bank not enough to consider moving out right away? Although you mentioned a pet, that's going to throw a spanner in any plans.

messolini9 · 16/01/2020 00:18

She’s asked me to give her a few months rent in advance

Good grief, even the worst landlord doesn't ask for advance rent on a whim. Tell your mother if she wants money she needs to ask your brother.

WTF is wrong with her that she allows your brother to live rent free, but is milking you for cash?