Mum asking for money

[SaltwaterCrocodile]

I’m living at home at the moment. Pay ‘rent’ to my mum and also buy food shopping give her half towards any household jobs that need doing (diy and things like that).

I have a brother who gives her nothing. He always says to her he hasn’t got any money to give her yet at the moment is on a 3 week holiday in America . I haven’t been abroad for about 10 years.

My AIBU is that my mum keeps asking me for money all the time and I want to say no but feel really guilty about it.

I’m trying to save to move out so have a couple of grand which she knows about. I’ve already given her about £500 in the last couple of months and have paid for a weekend end which was just over £500 for us in the next month which she’s supposed to be paying me back for (it’s for a family celebration).

She’s asked me to give her a few months rent in advance which would basically mean giving her all my savings. I wouldn’t mind so much if it was just that and I knew I could save what I usually give her back up but I know she’ll end up asking for more. And I feel it’s really unfair that she’s asking me to make up for my brother not giving her anything when she doesn’t even ask him for a basic amount. There’s other things going on with my brother which may be clouding my view of this from him (we’re pretty much NC due to the way he acts generally).

How do I say no without feeling guilty? Because she knows I’ve got the money but just wouldn’t be giving it to her!

How do I say no without feeling guilty?

In the same way she demands money from you, without feeling guilty.
In the same way she conspicuously favours her son, without feeling guilty.

It seems your mother has done a real number on you.
Does she by any chance have a Cluster-B personality disorder, & treat your brother as the golden child & you as the scapegoat?

You are paying more than a fair whack - what do you have to feel guilty about? Why would you feel guilty when your brother gives her nothing?

I used to have the same OP, just because it was easier to get money from me than it was my DB. He'd either kick off or refuse/ignore her requests so I was then asked for more.

Move out for your own sanity.

My 'D' M used to plead poverty when I lived at home to get the cash, once I moved out she somehow managed perfectly well though with the same lifestyle etc.

If you think she's genuinely in financial hardship then offer to go over her bills with her and do comparisons on energy etc. but stop giving the extra cash or you'll never get out.

When she asks for money as a PP said just tell her to ask your brother. The disparity in treatment is ridiculous.

I had a friend who would ask me how much was in my bank account or how I was financially. If the amount was low, she would offer a small token amount or say “I’m here if you need me”...

If the amount showed I had “spare” (but not really!) income, including available credit on the credit card, then she would ask to borrow money.

It was constant pay day loans, I had to start lying and saying I was skint and my card was maxed out

What I’m trying to get at is, in future don’t let your mum know that you’ve got any savings 😂 You don’t need to lie, just say you don’t have the money spare (just like your brother says)

I stopped viewing my savings as “spare” income and started seeing it as money that was “already gone” and inaccessible

Can you really not find a flat share that's cheaper? Or be someone's lodger? I know being a lodger isn't the best but it's a VERY cheap way to live and if you say you're about to start earning more money it would presumably only be short term.

If this isn't an option then I think it's time to start protecting yourself from your mum. It doesn't mean you necessarily have to lie (although I probably would consider it in your situation), but she really doesn't need to know exactly how much you earn, how much is in your saving etc. Your brother is too broke to give her rent money and yet is on holiday in America... Might be time to take a leaf out of his book. I know it sounds shitty but you need to look after yourself and your mum is doing you no favours right now.

Why do people always respond with advice to make up some bullshit excuse as to why the OP shouldn't do something totally unreasonable??

There are no stories or excuses required. She should say no, and say very simply why - namely because it's unfair and not remotely reasonable! Just tell the bloody truth!

YOU have paid for your DB's American holiday. Think about it that way when you're tempted to hand over more of your savings to keep the peace.

There's obviously something wrong with your family's dynamic. Your DM is nasty. She's sabotaging you to enable your DB. How dare she! It's not your job to support her. She should be encouraging you to become independent and flourish. You should not be feeling guilty. She should be ashamed of herself.

You are the path of least resistance, that’s why she continually asks you. Every time she asks, say you don’t have it and suggests she goes to your brother who obviously does.

She or your brother aren’t going to change because the status quo that they benefit from, the onus is on you who doesn’t.

The ball is in your court.

God this sounds hard but why doesn't she have a bloody pension? You'll never save anything there and would be better off paying for a lodgers room. Depending on area it'll probably be less than £500 a month anyway

You do need to move out, she clearly can’t budget at your £2k will be gone in no time and she’ll be back for more.

Either say no sorry mum I’m not subsidising DB or move.

You mentioned pet insurance what pet do you have?

Just say it’s in an ISA account that you can’t touch or stand up to her and tell her you can’t afford to give her what you don’t have and you’ll help her budget if needs be but other than the monthly rent/bills you physically can’t give her anymore. Don’t tell her anymore about your savings, sounds like she’s doing it on purpose so you’ll have to stay living there espically if she’s struggling.

Don't feel guilty about not giving your Mum extra money. As people have said up thread tell her you are skint and can't access your money. Look after yourself if you can. Your mother has a house and is letting your brother freeload! You shouldn't be subbing that.

I think you need a stock answer for when she asks. Such as 'I've already given you what I owe, ask brother'

It is unfair that you are essentially subsidising his living, if your Mum is short it's because he isn't paying for anything.

There are no stories or excuses required. She should say no, and say very simply why - namely because it's unfair and not remotely reasonable! Just tell the bloody truth!

OP struggles saying no at all so I think it might be easier for her with an excuse. Some people (myself included) find it very hard to say a blunt “no” and would then give in at further badgering.

I would be moving out. Then your mum can get your brother to help pay

If she's taking money and asking constantly then you are going to be happier and better off financially in the long run if you move out now.
Stay and the resentment will creep up and you bank balance and self esteem will diminish.
Go.