To worry that my husband is attractive to other women?

[NotAnAttractiveWoman]

I’m not particularly attractive nowadays especially as I’m getting older but DH has got better and better looking as he’s got older, looks much younger than he is as well due to having darker skin and has bulked up over the years at the gym. I have always had lots of comments about how ‘hot’ and handsome he is and we’ve joked about other women fancying him.

I’ve never really worried about him being unfaithful before because he was always quite shy but as he’s aged he’s more confident and can be flirty occasionally.

I don’t know if it’s my age (approaching) menopause or that we’re both ripe for a mid life crisis but now I am aware of younger women paying him attention and it’s making me very insecure. I’m also overweight, which I’m working on slowly, which makes it worse. We’ve been together since we were early 20’s, now mid 40’s and I know he’s been bored with our relationship at times.

Anyone else with Adonis like DH’s who have this worry? How do you keep them a leash?!

keep them on a leash

If he's going to have an affair he will. If he isn't, he won't.

Looks like aren't an indicator that he will stray. Even ugly men think 20 year olds will be attracted to them.

Surely the onus is on him to ensure you are not bored either?

Would you prefer to have an unattractive husband? I'm sure there's plenty on mumsnet who would be happy to arrange a swap!

I 100% agree with @ilovesooty

All you can do from your perspective is work on your insecurities and if there are any real trust issues in the relationship (and you've not hinted that there are any) then also work on those.

If you love him and you trust him, is this something you might feel ok about discussing with him?

My husband is a good looking man. I know everyone says this but he is! I get many comments on it and I know others have been attracted to him.

It does not worry me at all. I don't care who finds him attractive as long as he doesn't actually cheat and he has never given me a reason to doubt his loyalty. He has never been bored of our marriage either (that I know of) and he is not a flirt.

I would ask yourself if it is insecurity, or if his flirty nature and the fact that he has been bored of your relationship is what is driving your concern for good reason.

He’s never done anything to make me distrust him other than having watching porn for many years which I only found out about 6 months ago. That was a shock but tied in with him having less interest in our sex life.

I suppose knowing he’s been looking at porn actresses doesn’t help. I worry the next step in something in real life I suppose.

I know it’s my own insecurities now that I’ve lost my own looks, and he hasn’t. Also reading the relationship board on here!

We’ve talked about it and he’s —not— reassured me by telling me that he’s had plenty of other women coming on to him, who even knew he was married, but if he was tempted he’d tell me first .

My friend swore her partner looked like a Greek God. He really didn't still as long as she found him attractive bless!

Crikey, a bit in love with himself isn't he? 😂

If you don't feel attractive maybe you should work on that. Telling him how much hotter he is than you is just feeding his ego and not helping you at all! If you got to a point of feeling that you were pretty gorgeous too then you might feel better?

I'd just think yourself lucky that you still find him attractive after all this time.

I guess if he does stray you can take comfort in knowing he'll tell you first! What a strange thing to say.

I'd consider an open relationship; in my experience, men will tend to love you more if you let them play around a bit

Agree with PPs there's not much you can do to stop your DH cheating, but you can work on your own self confidence which needs work.

To answer the question tho- would you want a man who couldn't possibly be attractive to another woman???? I wouldn't!! So YABU. My DH isn't gorgeous looking, but I'm confident other women would find him attractive. There is plenty that is attractive about him. The difference is I feel like I am pretty attractive too, so we've both got a fair deal. It's sad that you don't feel like that.

BerryMikehock Assume you're new around here!

People attracted to people is natural, being married doesn’t stop that! It’s very naive to think you get married and never find anyone else attractive ever again.

The difference is a married person, in love with who they are married too doesn’t act in the attraction.

“I’m not particularly attractive” I doubt that’s true, it looks like you’re hugely lacking in confidence.

It's all about your own insecurities.

It's true that a lot of younger women find older men more distinguished, experienced and giving.

I used to ask OWs in their 20s and 30s what the attraction was to married men in their 40s and 50s and that's what a lot of them said.

His response isn't a cast iron reassurance. I suppose it must be flattering to be admired by the opposite sex..especially younger ones.

Him finding your relationship a bit boring is a bit of a worry though.

You both need to spice it up.

I dont think there is much you can do other than work on the 'he has been bored with our marriage at times' situation. What has he said he is bored with? What is he doing about it? Are you both doing things to make sure that you are not bored in the marriage as well (it's not all about him)?

I'm mid 40s with a fitty for a DH (6 years younger than me). He goes to the gym most days but this is because he was v overweight before we met and doesn't want to be again.

I was v slim and I guess pretty in my 20s but I'm overweight now (face still ok haha). Met DH when I was 35 and I'm sure some people think I'm punching .

I honestly think that if someone is going to cheat they will. It's not for us to police our husbands' behaviour (or them ours). People in a loving relationship should want to treat each other with love and respect.

My DH is actually quite insecure and doesn't realise how handsome he is (thank fuck), so I guess slightly different to your case. But even if he was aware and flirted a bit, I think unless it was VERY obvious and disrespectful I'd ignore.

Not trying to be a 'cool wife' btw I just find as I get older my sense of self grows and I think he's just as lucky to have me. So he has just as much to lose if he cheats.

Sorry that was long. Sorry OP! You sound lively88and I agree with pps about focusing on yourself

Haha Berry! I’ve been considering a divorce rather than an open marriage, to pre empt any shenanigans before they start!

Oldest DC’s friends have even passed comments on her ‘hot’ Dad being a FILF leaving her absolutely mortified so its not all in my mind . His work colleagues rib him about the girls in the office wanting to ‘give him one’. Mum friends have told me how lucky I am too. Not so sure about that now!

I think old age had hit me hard and I know I look middle aged while he has gone from a gawky, skinny bloke to yeah, a Greek god type! Even his sister has told me to watch out because she couldn’t get over how fit he looked when we saw her in the summer.

The handful of very attractive men at my work have all had numerous affairs. Might be just coincidence of course. or just my work place where to be honest most of the men are average at best .

Even his sister has told me to watch out because she couldn’t get over how fit he looked when we saw her in the summersad.

That sounds really odd. I wouldn’t think of my brothers in that way and certainly not warn their wives.

it's not about him, it's all about you. If you are not happy in your own skin, do something about it. Not especially to "keep your husband" but for your own sake.

Can you imagine a man saying the same thing about his wife?

You should be proud and support your husband, it sounds horrible if you were satisfied with what you thought was a safe "unattractive" husband. Poor man. It's not your physical appearance that might push him away, it's the horrible attitude you have towards him.