AIBU Turning a blind eye to a ‘friend’ (an escort who could potentially end up exposing hundreds of clients)?

[JennyFromLondon]

First time poster, please be gentle. I was actually gonna join a few weeks ago didn't go ahead with it. Its just such a weird situation and I haven't shared it with anyone else. Nonetheless I’ve lurked here long enough to know that some may question why I’m providing so much detail but its just so hard to sum up in a few sentences..

So I have this ‘friend’ from way back who I’ve known since from Sixth Form (quotation marks as she’s not particularly close to me). We used to hang out in the same circle of school-friends, where she was known as a wild child even then, eventually dabbling in drugs like cocaine in her early 20s. We’re now both in our 30s.

All of us (our circle of friends that is) knew that was also into escorting/prostitution (whatever you wish to call it). The rest of our friends moved on with their lives dispersing across the UK and abroad but me and her remained in London and stayed in touch albeit intermittently.

I’ve never really pried into ‘her working life’ as such, as I consider it her private matter and its none of her business, and we haven't really discussed it much. I know her working name and that she has a profile on an escorting site but that's it. Whenever we’ve had a conversation about her work, she's the one who has initiated it. I suppose she sees me as someone she can open up to from time to time, as she has no real friends.

We only meet once every few months so I can’t claim to know her well, I mean, there is probably a lot I don’t know. But during the past few years she's mentioned on more than one occasion how she hates her job yet loves the money and can't break free of this. She also told me how she's come to despite her clients many of whom are married. One time she even fell out with some on some reviews site, though I don’t know any more details about it.

I normally meet her at a coffee shop or at her place in the City. The last meeting was at her place and it was here she joked that she wanted to show me something that she hadn't shown anyone else. She got her laptop and showed me files that were full of pics and vids labelled ‘January Clients,’ ‘February Clients’ and so on and quite meticulously organized. I thought it was her work rota or something, but she then played one of the videos and it was a guy walking into a bedroom handing her an envelope. The footage was very clear so I knew it was her. She asked me if I recognized the room and suddenly it dawned on me it was the same bedroom we were standing in!

I thought it was something to do with camming, and this is when she told me these were actually pics and vids of her meeting all her clients from the past 3 years. Initially it was cos of security (she works alone) but she just carried on doing it. i honestly didn't know what to say..!?

She then told me she had starting thinking about finding a buyer for all this content or somehow monetizing it herself by building a new website. She seemed utterly oblivious to the fact that none of these guys had consented to be filmed and most of them would probably be in a lot of shit if they got found out! Then again its possible she was partly doing this out of spite, I don't know.

I didn't confront her as such but did tell her how weird it all was and left it at that. The thing is I'm pretty certain she's doing the same to more unsuspecting clients as her Adultwork (escorting site) profile showed she logged in the same day when I checked last week. I feel so bad for her clients and its so scary that she has so much stuff on them without their knowledge.

She texted me afterwards asking if I was okay and said she was worried she has shown me too much but I said it was okay. She texted me again that same evening saying please not to tell anyone and saying that maybe it had been a bad idea to tell me all that but I said not to worry. Last week I got another text from her asking me if I'd told anyone but she never texts this way after we meet up. I reassured her that I hadn't told anyone but I’m thinking of just cutting off the relationship and never speaking to her again after this. She clearly needs help but PROFESSIONAL HELP. Part of me feels sorry for her as she’s clearly alone with no-one to talk to and maybe if she had had regular friends she wouldn’t have ended up being so weird.

Thanks guys

So you disapprove of her job, know nothing about it and have nothing to do with it, but you check out her profile on adultwork? Ohhh kay. . .

Well I know her working name so I checked it to see if she'd logged in again since we met up or mentioned anything there. I didn't wanna text her again but I was still worried about her. Someone above said to advice her to get permission from clients but she doesn't come across as a person that would bother with that, if she wants to make money she'll just do it and think about the consequences after.

I am getting mixed messages from ppl here but tbh this mirrors what I've been thinking as well. On the one hand I feel guilty that I should be there for her and to discourage her but on the other hand I'm not even sure she would want me advising her. For example someone said to advise her to get permission from clients but when she was showing me the video she was quite blase about it and if she doesn't like something you say she'll can get quite sarky. I will really need to think about how I approach this tbh, that said I do appreciate everyones advice and there's no wrong advice its just that my mind is so conflicted atm.

Oh yeah to clarify what someone asked above I haven't been meeting her regularly every few months for 13+ years, there was in fact a long period after Sixth Form we didn't meet but just used to say hi on MSN Messenger and stuff. Its only recently the past few years we've started meeting up and more frequently the last year or so (more frequently = every few months). So that's what I mean I'm hardly in a position to start lecturing her to do this or that, if she was a close friend then that's different. But up to now I've never criticized her ever and she's not the type of person that likes being told what to do

I’d stay out of it. You don’t want to be involved with a criminal in any way. The implications for your job/kids/life could be devastating.

What do you mean by “if she doesn't like something you say she'll can get quite sarky”? That doesn’t sound like the kind of person I’d actually like to be friends with to be honest...

The men surely haven't done anything illegal. Granted the married ones won't be wanting their wives to know but there is no reason for them to know. Does your friend know all the names and addresses of her clients anyway?

I have no sympathy for married men hiring escorts but blackmail is very wrong too. They presumably went to your friend because they believed it would be kept confidential.

I can only think she now wants to make a heap of money in one go and retire from the life but I seriously doubt it would work.

Isn't it illegal to pay for sex? I don't know.

Nothing wrong with filming for security imo. Sounds sensible. Selling on the videos, obviously is not good. But I don't really understand what she plans to do with them?

If her plan is to sell them to be porn, there's so much porn online anyway would she really get much money from it?

And yes she could get into a lot of trouble

Can't say I have any sympathy for her clients, but blackmail is a crime. You are being very stupid to involve yourself in any way.

Isn't it illegal to pay for sex? I don't know.

It's not illegal to pay for sex in the UK unless the person selling sex has been coerced. Why would it be illegal to pay for sex from someone selling it consensually? The law does not exist to enforce your version of morality.

She has implicated you in the crime novel saga.
Stay well away from her.

Does this fit the scope of revenge port anyway

Porn not port

Paying for sex isn’t illegal. Kerb crawling is illegal though. So are not paying tax on earned income, blackmail/extortion, secretly videoing your sex partners and posting the videos online.

If you use a prostitute you open yourself up to blackmail. They’re not solicitors, you don’t get legal privilege for sex services.

What a mess. I don't think she is filming for her safety. All filming does is show what happened if she is harmed, it won't stop her being harmed so she is doing it for potential profit.

Not bothered about the men to he honest but she needs a serious head shake.

She has implicated you in the crime novel saga.

If this is a crime novel I'd advise the author to actually speak to a real life sex worker instead of continuing to get their information about sex work from 90s TV.

No she's not filming for her safety anymore what she said was something along the lines of 'it started off for security but I just carried on doing it.' The part I don't understand is if she started off doing it for security, then it doesn't make sense she'd feel more secure over time cos the risk level is the same. So I think a) she is lying and had this idea in her head from the very start or b) she hired 'Security' at her flat but is now back to working alone. I don't really know the full details of that.

I agree with many here saying I should just walk away from this situation but part of me does feel worried for her cos you can't shut out your feelings, its someone I've known for 14 years after all, even if I didn't meet her all the time.

I'm very conflicted as part of me wants to meet her again and this time advise her roughly half of the ppl here suggest - tell her she's making a mistake etc and its dangerous and she needs help. But yes she is very sarky and has snapped at me before when I've said something she hasn't agreed with so I don't usually challenge her about anything.

One another thing someone above questioned whether its revenge porn and I agree - I mean technically its neither falls under revenge porn nor blackmail. I don't know how it works or how realistic her idea is but lets assume she is correct and finds a buyer, none of her clients would be any the wiser and would only find out if they or someone they know sees them etc etc

Filming is not making her safe, it might mean the police are able to prosecute someone but the man who is violent doesn't know it's being filmed and telling him in the moment is actually more likely to make him more violent with her then potentially ransacking the house to find and take the evidence of anything filmed.

She is playing with fire.

Someone is either going to go to the police or worse is going to break in and kill her to take the evidence, some seemingly docile men (people actually but this scenario is about men) can become very violent, very quickly when they encounter a situation that would "ruin" their life especially when it's something like this that shatters the image they have built of how they are viewed in the world.

The fact is if just one man can't stand the thought of this prostitute blowing his life apart and they know she is alone and her only security is this film there is nothing to stop him hurting or killing her and taking anything attached to the filming.

It's not illegal to pay for sex in the UK unless the person selling sex has been coerced. Why would it be illegal to pay for sex from someone selling it consensually? The law does not exist to enforce your version of morality.

Wow. I said: Isn't it illegal to pay for sex? I don't know. Your response was completely disproportionate and quite a jump as I said nothing about my own morality. I literally said "I don't know". I thought that prostitution was illegal. Forgive me for not being up to date with every law.

If she wants to "monetize" it, as she told you, she's either planning on getting their consent, or on illegal activity, whether that's blackmail or otherwise. So she's very likely to end up with a criminal record (best case scenario), beaten up or dead.

If she were my friend, I would tell her that in stark terms (none of those options are objectively good, after all, and the vast majority of men who pay for sex are unlikely to give their consent for that to be publicised even on a porn website, so she's not going to make much that way).

I would also suggest that "filming for security" is giving her a false sense of security. Yes, if she is beaten up, raped or murdered, there will be footage identifying the perpetrator. Probably better for her, though, to have security that helps prevent these things happening - a "maid" or whatever - in the first place.

Xpost with Ginky- bottom line is that she isn't actually safe.

For goodness sake. Aside from the obvious moral connotations none of this actually stacks up practically. You have said she is not using this footage for blackmail or security but for content to sell - any experienced sex worker who wants to sell content like this doesn't have to film men without their knowledge, there are men will queue up to be part of it and pay for the privilege. I don't even sell content and I have men offering to be part of it!

This story is not rooted in reality, it's like you've spun a wheel of sex worker stereotypes and squashed them together.

If this is real then I'd hazzard a guess you are the type of 'friend' who tries to push yourself into the life of a sex worker for the novelty value and she's taking the piss!

Jenny, you’re getting good advice from many MNers. Warn this woman that any attempt to monetise her videos will be both illegal and very dangerous to her. Then step away, before you get caught up in this disaster. Don’t think you can choose how long to stay involved, as you will already be easily traceable.

I hope you, and she, take this advice.

@AlbusBumblebee I read your comment as though you believed buying sex should be illegal, my apologies if that was not your intention. My reply was not intended to attack you personally, though reading it back I can see why you would think that.

I must say though it is extremely exasperating when people who don't know anything about sex work start giving advice when anyone who knows anything about the subject can see it's probably bollocks! (Again, I'm not addressing you specifically)

Warn this woman that any attempt to monetise her videos will be both illegal and very dangerous to her.

Or just tell her that it's a pointless risk when men will volunteer for it and she can do it legally. I'm joking, of course, because sex workers know this already.