To think my friend should be happy for me?

[Alwaysnewbroke]

I've been single for over ten years. Had a few flings, but never a relationship or anything even near.

Anyway, I have met a man, and I think he's lovely. It's very early days, but so far so good. No games, no worry or anxiety. He seems honest, likes the same things I do, has a good job, lots of friends etc. Just seems like a decent man.

One of my friends, my best friend, has met him. I was telling some other friends about him over a drink last night, and my best friend said that she had like him when she met him, but that he wasn't good looking. She repeated that she didn't think he was good looking several more times over the course of the evening, and at one point implied that he could be gay.

I wasn't going on and on about him, just letting my friends who I haven't seen in a while know that I'd actually been on a couple of successful dates. My friend cannot be jealous that I've met someone because she's in a relationship herself which seems to be fine, and if it wasn't I have no doubt she'd have told me. She's never been single for more than a month in the 10+ years that I've been single. I don't find her DP attractive, but I would never, ever say that.

AIBU to think that it's really strange behaviour?

Do you think it's because they think he seems 'gay' (hmm) and are concerned about it because they want you to not be hurt, or that there is jist something off about him generally and they think you can do better?

If this was the case, I wouldn't mind if they said so. If a friend had concerns about someone and said so frankly, then I'd listen. But this was just sniping.

Sounds like my friend. If I'm remotely interested in anyone she tells me how ugly they are or points out any flaws because she knows it'll put me off.

I think she does it because if I get into a relationship then I'm no longer readily available for her whenever she wants me to meet up and chat on the phone etc. I also think she likes that she has a partner and a future and I'm just stuck on my own. Makes her feel superior I guess.

There are only a few reasons why some women do this, one is that they see someone vulnerable to abuse who is with somebody who could be dangerous

Or they’re jealous and heavily invested in you being the lonely single mate who they can either rely on for last minute stuff, or who by being single make them feel better about themselves because they’re in a relationship and you are not. Perhaps all isn’t as rosy in their lives as they try to portray...

My own mother sabotaged my happiness a few times because me getting out of a dodgy relationship would would mean SHE had the worst relationship in the family.

Takes a special kinda bitch to think like that.

I’m guessing that you are NOT in the habit of being in abusive relationships, and having spent 10 years on your own you have a good sense of self and are strong and independent

As ever, with new relationships, carry on at a slow and gentle pace and I sincerely hope it all works out for you!

Your friends however have seriously marked their cards and need to be kept at arms length

It's really baffling.

^^

It's really not... Your so called mates are really fucking nasty. Simple.

Well unless you're dating Shrek then I think you need nicer friends!

No, he's not really handsome, but he's not unattractive either. He's just normal looking.

'normal looking' I love that! Made me chuckle

I'm really pleased for you OP that after 10 years you have found someone who puts a smile on your face. Long may it continue.
I was you once, and it's sad that when you finally find what you are looking for that they can't be happy for you.
Concentrate on the friendships with the people who are happy for you.
They shouldn't be so judgemental or rude. It doesn't matter if they are attracted to him, what matters is you are.
Stay strong, stay happy and hoping it continues to go well x

"He's just not for me" is a deeply self centred comment - he's not their date.

They don't want things to change. I suspect it suits them to have you single, because you're readily available if they are bored or lonely. It also means that no matter how shit/tedious/unsatisfying their own relationships are, they can say that they have someone unlike poor Alwaysnewbroke who can't even get a decent date.

If you find someone it means you aren't available to them, and it also runs the risk of your relationship being happy and successful. Which means that they can't consider themselves to be better than you anymore.

Find new friends.

It's rude and not the kind of comment I'd expect from anyone above the age of 13. Are you sure she doesn't like the idea of you being her single friend who she can rely upon not to be busy with the other half? Or perhaps she likes to feel she has one up on you because of her relationship status?

Are they supermodels with model husbands.... not that it would be an excuse! Extremely rude....
Sounds like jealousy to me. I’d say luckily you don’t have to date him/sleep with him. I am (Insert smug face)

Just because they SEEM happy, doesn’t mean they are. They sound very bitchy, nasty women .... why are you friends with them.

Get back in your box OP. How dare you no longer be thier go to 'friend ' for last minute things, be the 'poor singleton' they can look down on from thier perfect "i have a man and you don't" pedestal to make themselves feel better. Selfish and nasty the both of them.

Tell them to "Keep your horrid opinions to yourselves because i don't care what you think. The fact that i have such a lovely, intelligent, charming man obviously must be hard for you to take but that's your problem not mine."

Have a few quick retorts ready.

"Well I don't find your DP particularly attractive which is just as well otherwise we'd be fighting over the same men"
"I didn't have you down as being so superficial"
"Looks aren't everything you know" add a bit if a wink, wink, fnurr, fnurr look
"You really shouldn't judge a book by its cover, if you know what I mean"
"Aren't you just happy for me."
"Did you mean to be so rude"

I'm sure there are plenty more!

Next time they say anything critical just say 'weird, that's exactly what he said about you'

bahahahahahaha

Of course she's jealous ! She doesn't want you (the usually singleton) being in a steady relationship with anyone, never mind someone who she thinks is more attractive/ better than HER partner !

If she does it again, I'd call her out on it openly, don't let it pass. Also, made damn sure she's not badmouthing him to other friends too.

Some 'friends' will only be happy if you stay 'in your little box'', and she sounds really mean spirited too.

OP this was me in early 2015.

Now listen to me - PAY ATTENTION TO @messolini9 as she has it BANG ON.

In short I was in a toxic LTR and met my now DH, she was rude to him from the get go, started being weird and argumentative with me and then I got pregnant and she was vile... yet I still asked her to be my birth partner (I loved her and she was the second person in my life after DH).

When she eventually ghosted me and months later I demanded answers one of them was that I’d not sent flowers and a card to say thank you for her time with me at the hospital (9/100 long hours).

She was funny, clever, talented, successful, wise, popular, and my best best mate.

But the signs were there before and after I met DH the gloves were off. She just didn’t want anyone else taking my top spot. And instead of being honest she was destructive; honestly losing that friendship was worse than me splitting up from my first husband.

ANYWAY: They are bitches and should be celebrating your happiness not cutting it down. Keep your distance and hope they mature. PLUS: seek new friendships.

(Revision to the above; I was in a toxic marriage and met now DH 12 weeks after it ended.)