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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my friend should be happy for me?

66 replies

Alwaysnewbroke · 15/01/2020 15:09

I've been single for over ten years. Had a few flings, but never a relationship or anything even near.

Anyway, I have met a man, and I think he's lovely. It's very early days, but so far so good. No games, no worry or anxiety. He seems honest, likes the same things I do, has a good job, lots of friends etc. Just seems like a decent man.

One of my friends, my best friend, has met him. I was telling some other friends about him over a drink last night, and my best friend said that she had like him when she met him, but that he wasn't good looking. She repeated that she didn't think he was good looking several more times over the course of the evening, and at one point implied that he could be gay.

I wasn't going on and on about him, just letting my friends who I haven't seen in a while know that I'd actually been on a couple of successful dates. My friend cannot be jealous that I've met someone because she's in a relationship herself which seems to be fine, and if it wasn't I have no doubt she'd have told me. She's never been single for more than a month in the 10+ years that I've been single. I don't find her DP attractive, but I would never, ever say that.

AIBU to think that it's really strange behaviour?

OP posts:

SquishyLint · 16/01/2020 11:33

Your friends sound really bizarre! I wouldn’t dream of commenting on anyone’s looks, especially in the setting you describe. And I can’t imagine my close friends doing so either. Just weird.

If you’re happy then that’s all that matters. I’d tell them how odd they all are, though, and RUDE.

AryaStarkWolf · 16/01/2020 11:40

Your friends sound really odd and rude, literally never had anyone comment on a b/f's looks in my whole life (in a negative way anyway) even when we were all teens. That's unacceptable behaviour from them, what did your second friend say when you pulled her on it?

Unicornhamster · 16/01/2020 11:40

Is it possible he is actually very attractive? I had a friend who will openly criticise things she wants that others have (including men). When I bought my first house, new car, holiday (they weren’t spectacular or anything) she would try and put it down. Took me about two years to realise it wasn’t she didn’t like them it was because she wanted them too. I cut ties with her in the end because it got me really down.

Original poster

Alwaysnewbroke · 16/01/2020 11:44

That's unacceptable behaviour from them, what did your second friend say when you pulled her on it?

She said 'I'm not criticising! He just wouldn't be for me.'

OP posts:

Titsywoo · 16/01/2020 11:44

2 of your friends have been rude about his looks?! That is very very odd. Several of my friends have met new men in that last few years and I've never even thought about how good looking they are - why would I care? And how incredibly rude to bring it up with you. Your friends sound horrible.

sarahjconnor · 16/01/2020 11:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Alwaysnewbroke · 16/01/2020 11:45

Is it possible he is actually very attractive?

No, he's not really handsome, but he's not unattractive either. He's just normal looking.

He is clever, funny, and excellent company though.

OP posts:

GiveHerHellFromUs · 16/01/2020 11:46

Out of curiosity, are you the friend who's always available for your other friends when they want to make last minute plans or need a shoulder to cry on?

Original poster

Alwaysnewbroke · 16/01/2020 11:46

2 of your friends have been rude about his looks?!

And, ironically, the second friend was rude after I'd complained to her that the first friend was rude.

Are they massively into Instagram and social media?

Not particularly. The first friend, in particular, I was really surprised about.

OP posts:

Original poster

Alwaysnewbroke · 16/01/2020 11:49

Out of curiosity, are you the friend who's always available for your other friends when they want to make last minute plans or need a shoulder to cry on?

Yes, especially the last minute plans. I usually have a lot of plans, but I'm always willing to invite whoever else gets in touch along too.

OP posts:

Ninkanink · 16/01/2020 11:50

Pp is right - you’re stepping out of your box and they don’t like it. It’s a very common response from friends/family when one massively shifts the perimeters within the dynamic.

Unicornhamster · 16/01/2020 11:50

he is clever, funny and excellent company

You mentioned up thread that they kept saying he must be really clever? Is he in a highly regarded field? I still think they are jealous OP, even if he isn’t conventionally attractive; if he is charismatic and clever he will draw people to him. He sounds lovely, as do you! I find it bizarre how they are behaving and for it to be two separate friends also?

GiveHerHellFromUs · 16/01/2020 11:51

That's your issue. They don't think necessarily he's unattractive. They just don't want your priorities to change.

They'd rather put you off him, or be rude to drive a wedge between you and him, because you won't always just be available now when they want you to be.

messolini9 · 16/01/2020 11:51

I introduced him to another friend last night, who proceeded to tell me ...

OP, you need a Friends Review.
Too many of yours are sexist bitches, who are viewing men as commodities to be appraised based on the packaging, complete with point-scoring based on their toxic opinions of who has scored the 'best' commodity.

The 2 bitches you have descibed are actively undermining you.
What the fuck is your choice of partner to do with them?
Who are they to judge, then portentously hand down that judgement to you, as if you were required to give a flying fuck about their nasty manners?

These 2 'friends' have certainly shown you their true colours haven't they? Maybe they are secretly threatened by you, & don't like the feeling that you have now upped your "status" by being in a relationship. (Women like this view singledom as a sin equal to not owning a flash car or the latest fashion - men are just another accoutrement to their perception of their own 'brand').
How lovely for their own partners to know they have not been chosen for any moral or personal strengths, but are tolerated for managing to pass muster on some arbitrary looks test.

"Stop patronising me, you rude, shallow cunts" should fix 'em.

JKScot4 · 16/01/2020 11:52

Rude cows, are they all married to Brad Pitt or Jason Momoa?
If they say anything again tell them to have a long look in the mirror, horrible people.

messolini9 · 16/01/2020 11:57

She said 'I'm not criticising!
That's exactly what she was doing, & then she compounded it by lying to you that she wasn't. Is your friend a bit thick?

He just wouldn't be for me.
No love, 'cos he's with me, so what is your point exactly?
(Her point, btw, is "don't think you can catch up with my superiority complex about you, shut up while I diss your b/f to make myself feel better")

dontgobaconmyheart · 16/01/2020 11:58

Surely you are no better for taking a petty and equally shameful comeback swipe about your friends partner though OP? She didn't ask what you thought of him either, did she.

That aside, I think if they are otherwise trusted and decent friends I'd have been more inclined to have politely shut them down by saying that I like him, am happy and say I think that is a bit rude to have commented but would be curious as to exactly what it was they were getting at to be honest by saying 'he's not for them'. Do you think it's because they think he seems 'gay' () and are concerned about it because they want you to not be hurt, or that there is jist something off about him generally and they think you can do better?

It sounds like they are trying to put you off him. I'd talk to them about it and clear it up, as it's quite a strong reaction. Not everything boils down to jealousy. Talk to your friends OP, don't let it escalate based opinions on here.

AryaStarkWolf · 16/01/2020 11:59

And, ironically, the second friend was rude after I'd complained to her that the first friend was rude.

That's even odder, why on Earth would a friend comment on how they wouldn't find your new B/F attractive, they don't need to find him attractive so why say it unless to put you/him down and why would they want to do that? That's the question I would be asking them or telling them they might want to ask themselves

AryaStarkWolf · 16/01/2020 12:00

Surely you are no better for taking a petty and equally shameful comeback swipe about your friends partner though OP? She didn't ask what you thought of him either, did she.

Oh fgs

Original poster

Alwaysnewbroke · 16/01/2020 12:09

Is he in a highly regarded field? Yes, he is.

I still think they are jealous OP, even if he isn’t conventionally attractive; if he is charismatic and clever he will draw people to him. He sounds lovely, as do you! I find it bizarre how they are behaving and for it to be two separate friends also?

Thank you. He is lovely!

OP posts:

puds11 · 16/01/2020 12:17

Now, please don’t take this the wrong way, but could it be the case that they actually like you being single as you’re the poor, lonely friend who can’t find anyone who makes them feel better about their lives? That they know they can call on you at a moments notice to hang out or do something for them if needed?

They don’t sound like good friends and frankly I wouldn’t want my mates to be attracted to my partner!

JKScot4 · 16/01/2020 12:18

They’re definitely jealous, they can’t criticise his work or personality so went for looks.
Shower of cunts, off they fuck.

dellacucina · 16/01/2020 12:19

Do you think it's because they think he seems 'gay' (hmm) and are concerned about it because they want you to not be hurt, or that there is jist something off about him generally and they think you can do better?

I agree that this may be worth exploring.

BreasticlesNotTesticles · 16/01/2020 12:28

Next time they say anything critical just say 'weird, that's exactly what he said about you'

That'll shut them up!

Definitely jealous

toodivineforthehumanmind · 16/01/2020 12:30

I think it's because ur the single friend and are always there. They perhaps feel superior to you in a way because they are in 'happy' relationships and you haven't been. Now that you have found someone they are annoyed.

I have experienced bitter 'friends' due to getting into a relationship, it's weird and those types of people don't enjoy others being happy.

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