To say the nasty things I said?

[bigmummypig]

Sick of DH now and could do with some advice please.

He has a lot of past issues that came about because of a breakdown a couple of years ago due to things he'd witnessed at work.
PTSD
Massive anxiety issues
Stress
Depression
Panic attacks.
He's not had it easy.

Today we've had a massive argument and I've told him he's a shit dad and our 2 year old would be better off not living with him.
He told her today to 'shut up'.
He said in front of her 'make her shut up'.
He swears and looses his temper all the time with trivial things and she now repeats swear words only to him/ when he's there.

I know he loves her to pieces and wouldn't hurt her.
I've tried pointing out he's hurting her doing this and she responds negatively to him as he's rarely got time for her. While he's playing xbox will practically ignore her trying to get him to play.
When he asks her to do things like tidy up she usually tells him no. She doesn't really go if he asks for a love- I don't blame her!

Today he said I should back him up when he tells her off and make her hug him etc.

I said he needs to earn her love and respect and I won't make her respond in a way he wishes til he is different to her.

From what I've said am I being ott?
I'd never tell anyone about this so have no idea what outsiders think?

Name changed as I don't want to be ID'd.

Thanks.

Op so much to unpick there! Is he getting help with his issues? Did she recognise his behaviour towards your daughter as inappropriate? No wonder she doesn't respond to him

Nope. He has to learn to control his temper around her. But he does have a lot of problems so probably saying what you did wasn't the best thing. But it's said now.
One thing stood out though:

make her hug him
Nope. NOPE. He has to respect her bodily autonomy.

YABU to call him a shit dad IF he is trying to get help for his issues and his behaviour is caused by his issues rather than just being a twat (if he used to behave differently for example).

But I understand why you did, swearing at a toddler regularly is not acceptable, ignoring them isn't acceptable asking for a hug to make yourself feel better and trying to force it when they don't want to, is not acceptable.

I'm not sure what the solution is but I don't think saying he is shit will magically make him behave better towards her

I think you were just telling the truth, however hurtful that may be, so YANBU.

What kind of help is he getting?

Obviously you have to feel sorry for someone dealing with serious issues, but that doesn't give them free rein to be abusive. If protecting your child means you can't be 100% supportive of your DH, so be it.

Today he said I should back him up when he tells her off and make her hug him etc.

OP, this is the most worrying part of your post. There is no amount of PTSD that excuses an adult for demanding "make her hug me".
This is a terrible message to give her, & as damaging as "make her shut up" & refusing to play with her because he prefers his Xbox.

It's all about him isn't it?
Has he has any counselling, anger management, anything? - what has been done about his work-related breakdown? either way, he needs more - mainly built around getting him to take responsibility for his own feelings, moods & temper.

No way should your little girl be made to hug anyone she doesn't want to - or be hugged by. DH is being a twat. I say this as a former PTSD & C-PTSD sufferer.

YANBU though you have said some blunt but true things. He is behaving as though your DD were an extension of you and under your control ("Make her..." do this or that). He isn't recognising that she is a separate individual with whom he needs to build a whole new relationship, not just coast on the relationship he has with you.

I'd buy him Steve Biddulph's book about raising girls, tell him to switch off his games and get parenting!

He gets one chance at building a lifelong relationship with his child and he's let years of it slip through his fingers already. The solution is in his hands, not yours.

The work issues are a complication but they are separate from his weird notions about parenting and need to be addressed separately - and urgently.

He is swiftly moving to a point where he could lose you both and have nothing but the stressful job in his life. Has he realised this?

You sound very reasonable to me. I'm sorry your DH has gone through alot but he can't use that as a get out clause of everything in life, especially when it affects your child

If he has problems he needs to get help. His daughter deserves a loving environment.

Why on earth do people get so invested in xbox and other games! Its not a proper solution to hide from real life. He needs to lose the xbox and be dad, playing with DD should be much more fun than xbox.

My father lost his temper and swore all the time. It was like walking on eggshells as something that was OK one day was not the next. I still cringe at the memory of bringing a boyfriend home and sitting in the kitchen listening to my dad losing his temper at the stereo in the sitting room. Horrible way to live - don't let that happen to your little girl.

Is he getting any help or making any effort to help himself?

No wonder she doesn't want to hug him.

You don't sound U and he doesn't sound like a good Dad. Based on the behaviour you've described.
What is the plan going forward?

Yabu if you told him he was a "shit" dad for swearing!

No, op called him a shit dad for being neglectful and abusive.

What was his response at being told he was a ‘shit dad’?
If he wants to be a better dad then he needs to make changes.
He needs to spend time with her. Ask him to make time for her and do something fun with her. Even watching tv together is a nice thing to do (though, of course, there needs to be more than this)
Does he ever look after her by himself?
It’s awful when people are continually ignoring their dcs because they prefer their gadgets.

It sounds like he is a shit dad and I’d be really worried about how this is going to negatively affect your daughter and affect her early understanding of acceptable and healthy relationships with people. You’re doing the right thing by NOT backing her up and forcing her to hug him when it sounds like he’s downright vile to her a lot of the time. I don’t know what I’d do in this situation. Just because he ‘loves her to bits’ and ‘would never hurt her’ doesn’t mean he isn’t causing her harm right now with his behaviour. If he didn’t have MH issues I’d leave him but I don’t know what I’d do as he does - I wouldn’t to make anything worse. What a horrible situation. Sorry OP.

Is he actually doing anything to ‘get better’?

IF HES doing therapy, king medication and genuinely trying to deal with his ‘issues’ then I would talk to him & demand a couple of joint therapy session. Things would need to change.

If he’s not, then I would ask him to leave, if he wouldn’t I would take DD & leave. (Depends on who owns/has the lease too etc). But whatever we would NOT be living together, I wouldn’t choose to put up with it for myself and I sure as fuck would NOT be making my 2yo live like this.

No way.

As her mother you don’t make her hug anyone. Not even you. Definitely not her father if he is behaving this way.

No, you were entirely right to call him out on that behaviour. I accept he has these issues but your child was an innocent born into his life willingly I am assuming and he therefore needs to take responsibility to ensure this sort of thing doesn’t happen again.

This sort of behaviour is one of the reasons I left my children’s father as he has no respect for their own sovereignty of mind in terms of whether they want to do or not do things. Stand your ground and protect her.

Sounds as if he is a shit dad & he is hurting her with his behaviour.

Make her shut up, make her hug him?

He can fuck right off with that shit!

Does he work with one of the emergency services or something? He really needs to ge expert help to resolve his issues. He might also benefit from something like parenting classes. It may be that when he sees the reaction of other parents to him demanding a right to be hugged it will finally get through to him that a massive change in attitude is needed if he wants to preserve any relationship with his child.

LTB he is such a twat OP

make her hug him

All kinds of wrong - he should be ashamed of himself.

lots to unpick certainly as someone else has mentioned. one thing that screams out - I would never make a child hug anyone for lots of different reasons, surely we want our kids to have autonomy and be confident that it is their choice who they hug and who they dont

You absolutely weren't off at all- well done for sticking up for her! I think you should take her out of this situation if it happens again. My dad was a bit like that and it's been very damaging- left me with lifelong anxiety/self-esteem issues and not really ever able to work.

To an extent, tough shit if he has his own issues. Her wellbeing has to be your top priority. IMO leave the situation until he's capable of being an unabusive parent. xxx

It is the verbal abuse of her/ moodiness I'm mostly talking about. x

forcing toddlers to hug and kiss people against their will is one of my biggest bug bears.

Ex actually told court I was alienating our dc from him as I didn’t force them to be physically demonstrative towards him. 🙄

I don’t force my dc to hug or kiss me either. Sometimes my toddler doesn’t want to hug me and that’s completely her choice. Everyone should have autonomy over their body regardless of age.

Your H sounds like a nasty nasty little man. He has no right to discipline a toddler because she doesn’t want to hug him. He’s no kind of role model for your child. I hope you think long and hard about the benefits to your life from having him around versus how much nicer life would be without him.

He’s not a great dad at all.

If he loved his child he’d spend time playing with her and interacting with her and not force her to hug him when she doesn’t want to.

The judge in my children’s hearing act agreed with me that forcing my children to hug and kiss their father was not appropriate.

Are you sure this is due to PTSD? Because he sounds pretty toxic to me. People use all sorts of things as excuses for aberrant behaviour. 'I was drunk', 'I was depressed', 'It's your fault' etc etc.
However speaking like that to and in front of a child is completely out of order.
I thought the law changed recently and it was actually illegal to be abusive to your partner and children etc.