To say the nasty things I said?

[bigmummypig]

Sick of DH now and could do with some advice please.

He has a lot of past issues that came about because of a breakdown a couple of years ago due to things he'd witnessed at work.
PTSD
Massive anxiety issues
Stress
Depression
Panic attacks.
He's not had it easy.

Today we've had a massive argument and I've told him he's a shit dad and our 2 year old would be better off not living with him.
He told her today to 'shut up'.
He said in front of her 'make her shut up'.
He swears and looses his temper all the time with trivial things and she now repeats swear words only to him/ when he's there.

I know he loves her to pieces and wouldn't hurt her.
I've tried pointing out he's hurting her doing this and she responds negatively to him as he's rarely got time for her. While he's playing xbox will practically ignore her trying to get him to play.
When he asks her to do things like tidy up she usually tells him no. She doesn't really go if he asks for a love- I don't blame her!

Today he said I should back him up when he tells her off and make her hug him etc.

I said he needs to earn her love and respect and I won't make her respond in a way he wishes til he is different to her.

From what I've said am I being ott?
I'd never tell anyone about this so have no idea what outsiders think?

Name changed as I don't want to be ID'd.

Thanks.

What kind of things has he seen? I’ll reserve judgement until I know the extent/cause of his PTSD and whether or not he’s been offered and accepted the right level of help.

Obviously the way he’s behaving around your DD is not right and it needs addressing, but in the same way that a mum with severe PND isn’t being the best, most responsive and positive mum, it really might not be something he has any control over right now.

He is a shit dad, swearing at his DD and verbally abusing her, then demanding hugs. Fuck that behaviour. Being a twat to a toddler is not caused by MH issues.

When will people realise that Mental health issues AND being a complete twat are NOT mutually exclusive ??

Yes he has MH issues
He is also a massive twat !!!

Gosh I didn't expect any support.
I'm actually in tears. Thank you.

Firstly I want to say he's never swore at her and telling her to shut up and shut her up was the worst he's said. Unfortunately though previously he's said things the same in a nicer way like 'make her be quiet'/ 'take her upstairs'.

I also want to add I can be vile too. I have never and would never raise my voice or swear in front of her but I'm very passive aggressive. Sometimes when I'm angry with him for example I'll be sly and a bitch. Not in her presence which is bad as it shows I'm in control of what I'm saying which I'm not proud of.

He has seen many many things in relation to death in lots of ways to all kinds of people and children and a lot more, don't want to be too specific as I have a lot of friends on here sorry. His current job are great to him and so current work stress is minimal but there's still past stuff in his head.
He had therapy for 2 years (his breakdown was my last month of pregnancy) and when that therapist left he refused and still refuses to see another as he says he's sorted. He was on a lot of medication but has come off it now- he's actually a better person off it.
I have underlying issues with him in relation to when baby was born and him not wanting to stay with me to help overnight after and also when he stayed with me overnight in hospital (we thought labour may progress) I was angry he didn't really want to stay and brought in a hip flask of alcohol as he couldn't have his usual 7 cans a night. Yes there is also alcohol dependency. He knows it but has relied on it for years. He functions and works hard at work and in the home (diy, chores etc) but drinks every night. Has gone the odd night without to prove to me he's not entirely dependent...

He loves this child and has very old fashioned views where the woman brings up the child which I actually accept and don't have a problem with. My issue is what he did today and not seeing it's wrong.
Sometimes if he's low he will say, why won't she love me like she loves you or she just ignores me all the time.
I have told him he needs to spend just a little time with her- even 15 mins 4 times a day doing something she likes or take her for a walk whatever. In December before bed he's usually read her a Christmas story but some nights he'd say to me, no story tonight I've got too much on my mind/ I'm stressed etc which I said 10 mins is nothing to him but it's massive bonding for her.

If I had somewhere to go and it was easy with work to up and go I do think I would.
He's said loads of times in arguments I can F off as it's his house (he put more money in). Family/ friends wouldn't be able to accommodate us and they have no idea what he's like, no one does.

What I've written here is more than I intended and as I write I shake as I know he'd go mad if he saw this.

But please don't think I'm an angel as I have said nasty things to him like wished him dead. I suppose in some ways I'm just as bad.

I'd confide in a close friend or family member about what's going on, if it's someone he respects maybe they could talk to him for you.

You’re married, you have a child for whom you’re the main carer, he’s alcohol dependant and abusive to your child.get legal advice I don’t think you’ll be the one to be told to fuck off from the house.

There is no amount of PTSD that excuses an adult for demanding "make her hug me".

What codswallop. This is common in most families. I’m sure most of us have had the whole grimacing while being urged to “give Auntie so and so a kiss” as a kid and suchlike. It’s polite and it’s what you do with family members. It’s not some sort of condition to be psycho analysed under the light of me too culture.

You don't have to be perfect yourself to be worthy of an equal, loving relationship, you know. Are sly and bitchy his words or how you see yourself?

If he's no longer in the stressful job, has had therapy and medication but stopped both and says he's 'fixed' now, how does he think things are going to get better?

The alcohol abuse is yet another issue. Is it a way of checking out of his responsibilities?

I'm surprised you say he 'loves her to bits' tbh. He routinely wants her out of his sight, quiet, and won't even spend ten minutes a day with her. How low is the bar here? Is this what a father's overwhelming love looks, sounds and feels like? I'd say he can't be bothered with her, judging by what you've told us.

Love isn't words, is it? It's actions. If he wants her to run to him for kisses and cuddles, he needs to scoop her up in his arms when he gets in from work and make a fuss of her, spend some time with her, be her hero.

I’m sure most of us have had the whole grimacing while being urged to “give Auntie so and so a kiss” as a kid and suchlike. It’s polite and it’s what you do with family members. It’s not some sort of condition to be psycho analysed under the light of me too culture.

Nope. That may be what people have done in the past but now we teach children from an early age about bodily autonomy and that they don't have to touch anyone or be touched by anyone if they don't want to.