Not to 'comfort' him?

[PaperDreamsHoney]

Yesterday I had a discussion with DH about the state of our marriage where I finally told him exactly how much certain things he'd done in the past had hurt me. When I'd explained it and he'd said he understood, he said he wanted some kind of comfort or reassurance from me bc all he was sensing was resentment and bitterness. He's been off with me since then, barely speaking to me and refusing to look me in the eye.

Am I being a bitch for not reassuring him that it's not necessarily the end of our marriage or is he BU for seemingly wanting me to tell him it's okay when it's really not?

And did he comfort and reassure you after you'd told him how hurt and let down you'd been?

YANBU. If he truly understood what you were saying he should've been the one to comfort you surely.

Did he not know how much he had hurt you before this discussion?

Sounds like he hasn’t understood anything or doesn’t want to. Everything has to be about him.

Classic men. They can’t bear being told they’ve done something wrong. I hear you completely OP.

However, I think you need to explain to your husband ((if you’ve not done already) that although you love him (assuming you still do) you’ve been hurt and it’s YOU who needs the reassurance from him that he’s sorry and that he will change his behaviours. He needs to acknowledge what has happened. Keep an open dialogue

He needs to accept responsibility for his part.
Imo comforting him is like an apology for upsetting him.

If you comfort him etc, you may as well throw everything you said to him out of the window. It would belittle everything he's done and everything you said.

YANBU

@Whynosnowyet that is exactly what usually happens - he does something, I pull him up on it, then I end up feeling guilty for hurting his feelings.

Yes ask him why he didn’t comfort you, after you told him how hurt you’d been.

He sounds like an arsehole OP.

It's not your job to protect from from his feelings. If he's feeling guilty or scared that you'll leave him, then GOOD. It sounds like he's missed the point by a country mile.

YANBU! My XH did this while we were getting divorced, under his instigation I might add. It's pathetic, selfish and shows a spectacular lack of understanding and compassion. Note the X.

@PaperDreamsHoney - do you want to save this marriage?
doesnt sound like you do - not blaming you, just a statement based on your post. So maybe if he is right and you present bitterness and resentment (for whatever reasons) it is time to move separate ways?

No that's like telling off a naughty child and then giving them chocolate.

My 3 year old immediately opens his arms to me after I've told him off.

He sounds like he's been spoiled.

I was with a selfish, cheating man-child for almost 10 years. He was the one who walked out on his family (pretty much sensing resentment and bitterness from me, wonder why). I've set up a new life for myself now, it's taken over a year, and now he's acting like I should be honoured to welcome him into my new home. Pfff!!

No YANBU. Tell him to grow up and treat you with respect and earn his comfort!

This is one of those threads that I've gone away from and had to come back to! I'm incredulous. So he wants all of his hurtful actions to be free from consequences for HIM. He feels that an appropriate response to being told "actually, you hurt me" is to demand that YOU look after HIS feelings?! And if you don't take responsibility for him not feeling the natural emotional consequences of his actions, he thinks an appropriate response is to PUNISH YOU EMOTIONALLY???

I'm angry towards him for this - I hope you are too!

Well, is it the end or your marriage or not ? What’s he actually done (ie cheating level or being lazy with housework ?).

Is he not just asking if the marriage is capable of being saved ? Surely that’s a fair enough question ?

So this is part of a long term pattern of manipulation from him?

Classic men. They can’t bear being told they’ve done something wrong

Bullshit. Decent men cope with it just fine, take responsibility, apologise and change their behaviour.

Abusive/manipulative men kick off, refuse to take responsibility, and blame the injured party.

Is he not just asking if the marriage is capable of being saved ?

No. He didn't ask that:

he said he wanted some kind of comfort or reassurance from me bc all he was sensing was resentment and bitterness. He's been off with me since then, barely speaking to me and refusing to look me in the eye.

He knows he is guilty as charged.
Hence no eye contact, he expects you to back down. Don't

@Stephminx that's not what he asked, he just said he wanted comfort. It's almost a moot point because or religious beliefs forbid divorce and he knows bloody well he has me financially trapped.

How does he have you financially trapped?
If you leave, you will get maintenance, maybe spousal maintenance, benefits, housing, etc......
Worth looking into!
Knowledge is power after-all!!!

For gods sake, your not responsible for his feelings. Don’t let him make you feel guilty because he’s an arsehole, it’s not your fault.

Is he financially abusing you?

He has the emotional sensitivity of a sea cucumber. Possibly has bits of his brain dealing with empathy missing so he prob is unable to change ... even if he was willing to try.

@pinkyredrose It's not that I have no access to money, but I have no job, no degree, no career to go back to, no real life bc I homeschool the kids (hopefully not for much longer), no savings bc he spends everything and no family to go to. It's not like I could just up and leave.