Not to 'comfort' him?

[PaperDreamsHoney]

Yesterday I had a discussion with DH about the state of our marriage where I finally told him exactly how much certain things he'd done in the past had hurt me. When I'd explained it and he'd said he understood, he said he wanted some kind of comfort or reassurance from me bc all he was sensing was resentment and bitterness. He's been off with me since then, barely speaking to me and refusing to look me in the eye.

Am I being a bitch for not reassuring him that it's not necessarily the end of our marriage or is he BU for seemingly wanting me to tell him it's okay when it's really not?

Your OP asked if you were wrong for not reassuring him that the marriage was not necessarily over. I assumed therefore that’s what he was asking for ?

Would you consider counselling for both of you? Sounds like there are communication difficulties and also he has a problem understanding your feelings. An objective third person might be able to help? Of course it might not make any difference but it could be worth a try.

@Stephminxthat's not what he asked, he just said he wanted comfort. It's almost a moot point because or religious beliefs forbid divorce and he knows bloody well he has me financially trapped

Crikey.

Lovely, you are allowed a happy life. You are allowed to leave an unhappy and abusive marriage - maybe not by your religion, but by society and the law. And you are able to find a way to break free, financially all - there is a pinned post at the top of the relationships board with some useful organisations on.

@Stephminx he didn't ask that, no, I just felt like that was what I was supposed to do.

@ohwheniknow I’m afraid I strongly disagree. The patriarchy instills in men that they can never be wrong. That to admit they’re wrong is a weakness. Therefore it is not in men’s nature to feel comfortable accepting that and taking responsibility.

I have an incredibly decent, kind husband who loves me unconditionally (and trust me I’ve given him a lot of crap to deal with in our 18 years together). Even he has issues taking responsibility. He does.....in the end....but it isn’t natural

Patriarchy isn't natural.

So which are you blaming? Patriarchy or nature?

You can believe whatever you like if it makes you feel better about your own life. I don't fucking care.

Doesn't mean it's widely applicable.

My husband does this. It took me ages to clock what he was doing and when I did I was so freaking angry. At him and at me.

Google “DARVO”, OP. And while you’re at it, think about the situation flipped. Imagine your DH coming to you with something you’d done that had hurt him. Something legitimately wrong. How would you react? Like him? Didn’t think so.

Just out of curiosity, you said he told you he “understood”. Did he take responsibility for what he had done? Did he really seem to understand? Did he actually apologise and demonstrate believable remorse?

You should tell him he's a giant baby and needs to grow up, and that it's not ok.

@ohwheniknow on the basis it’s been around for 1000s of years in the West it’s pretty embedded in our psyche therefore I’m reasonably comfortable saying it isn’t natural for men to accept they’re wrong.

I’m unsure as to why you’re being so aggressive.

You need to get your children in school and try to get a job, this is emotional and financial abuse. How did you get to this point in life. Not having a go but trying to understand.

You need to get your DC in school, and get yourself employable.
Have you done any voluntary work? Do you have any qualifications? Can you get enrolled on any courses? (Maybe contact your local education authority for advice.)
You can get free tuition and entry for Maths and English if you don't already have those.

And contact Women's Aid about the financial abuse.

@Strongmummy I too was really taken aback by the aggressiveness in @ohwheniknow post. I read back to see if there was this huge big argument on the thread but no and it jarred a lot.

Hes making it all about him. Urghh tell him to do one

@Thoughtlessinengland perhaps the thread touched a nerve. Thanks for confirming i wasn’t going mad tho 🤣🤣

Talked about it last night and he says it was unreasonable of me to throw that at him when he was already upset about the state of our marriage. I thought we were discussing the mess our marriage is in and how we can move forward, and I knew I needed to be honest about this particular issue, but apparently that's not what we were doing, I was supposed to be sympathising with him. Silly me. There was me thinking he's not the only one suffering here.

He's a selfish twat unable to empathise with any other point of view.

I have no access to money, but I have no job, no degree, no career to go back to, no real life bc I homeschool the kids (hopefully not for much longer), no savings bc he spends everything and no family to go to

This is a problem. Could you start to unpick this this year? Book onto some sort of training course and study alongside homeschooling your kids?

Could you get some weekend work to start to build up work experience and have something to spend yourself?

Yeah your posts have red flags all over.

Granted your religious beliefs do not permit divorce and I understand that but why

• do you not work
• do you homeschool

I ask just because profound religious faith does not exclude working or attending school so I wonder if this is a decision your husband took?

To answer your question YANBU for being mad at his expectations, they are unfair.

Religious what forbids what now.

That’s ridiculous.

He sounds selfish and extremely manipulative.

But I think you have the measure of him.

You are certainly not unreasonable to not want to comfort him OP