To feel incredibly guilty over childcare situation

[Quail1]

I have one 2 year old DC, who started nursery four days a week recently so I could focus on my self employment. January has always been my quietest month, but this January has been abysmal and I’ve had to start applying for other jobs as I’m worried about being able to pay normal bills as well as DC nursery fees.

I’ve found one which pays better than my current self employment - but it means I have to put DC into nursery for an extra hour every morning, when they already do four full days. It’s a specific ‘early morning club’ and I don’t think many children attend.

I feel sick with guilt at putting DC into nursery for so many hours in the first place, and for my self employment to not take off like I’d hoped, and to now have to possibly book even more hours on top.

You're doing the right thing OP. I'm a single mum and mine will be in breakfast and afterschool clubs form September 7.30-6. They'll be 7 and 4. Been a SAHM for almost 10 years so no guilt at all! It's damaged me beyond measure. I am truly exhausted and need my life and energy back. Honestly school can provide them with so much more than I can and I'll be so much more up for weekends!

This whole "luxury" of "not working". Hahaha... it's no where near luxury. And believe me it's the hardest work there is. I can't afford any more childcare now (paying for an extra half day is crippling me), and I cannot wait for September!!

My Gdcs of 3 and 4 have always thoroughly enjoyed nursery and after-hours daycare. And IMO it's been so good for them, general socialising, learning to share, take turns, and the emphasis on being kind, etc. Plus so many varied activities it would be hard to provide at home.
Please don't feel bad about it.

Meh. I wouldn’t feel guilty about it at all.

Hi quail. I’m building up a freelance business but I have a job. Is it an option for you to get something even working in a cafe for a few mornings so you at least have something guaranteed coming in monthly?

It'll be fine, your child will have a wonderful time! My kids both started full time daycare at 1 year old. It's very normal in Norway, they start at 7.30 and get picked up at 15.30 usually. They all have a whale of a time with their little buddies, they're marvellously socialised. Don't beat yourself up! This is totally fine, and with fewer money worries you can give more of yourself to lovely time together outside of your work hours.

It will be nice a quiet so easier to settle plus you won't have to rush breakfast in the morning, just clothes, teeth, shoes go. You might need to plan school carefully. Often breakfast clubs don't start until 8. Sometimes there is no breakfast club and holidays are more complicated. I think school is harder to work around than pre school age. You have a little time yet but something to plan towards.

Firstly there clearly isn't a choice here, the job will pay the bills and that had to be the priority.

Secondly your children will be fine.

And finally the self employment thing could be something you build up more slowly, or research more, with a view to it hopefully working in the future? When they are school age and there are no nursery fees it might be a much more achievable goal?

I completely sympathise and would also be having the devil on my shoulder shrieking “but they’re knackered after nursery already, an extra hour will flatten them”

But it won’t. And nurseries have quiet time and the extra morning hour will be a nice smooth transition to the day instead of a frantic bang on 9am drop off when they’re all maxed and hyped post weetabix.

Do it, you will feel shit for the first week/fortnight then as it becomes the new normal for both of you this conversation will he but a distant memory x

This whole guilt of putting kids in nursery is just sprayed by mothers who have the luxury of not working or doing so very part-time. It makes them feel better about themselves to believe that their children are much happier with them than at an environment where they are not getting full attention

Oh do fuck off with your sexist shite.

The whole guilt about women not being able to win for trying is sold to us largely by fucking MEN!

Of course there are some women who are smug about what they do but they're to be found working and non-working.

Open your eyes.

Mine do five days a week full time nursery and sometimes nursery staff bring them home too - we both work full time busy jobs. But also sometimes we use the extra help so we can do occasional things for ourselves like the gym. There’s constant guilt but honestly you need to make your life work for you too. I try to make up for it by reading to them or playing and properly interacting with them when we’re together - when I was on maternity leave and was around the whole time I definitely spent more time cleaning then actually playing with them, now it’s quality not quantity! They both love nursery - actually they don’t know any different - but it offers great social benefits they don’t get with us. Try not to feel guilty. Once your work takes off and you’re feeling more fulfilled, this sacrifice will feel more justified - but your DC won’t know or care about this so no point feeling guilty now!

@BillHadersNewWife I don't know - i think there a more women who judge mothers for working/not working than men.

The only time I've ever known a man to judge a woman for not working is when they're struggling financially or when the woman still expects him to manage the household (there are some lazy women like this).

Aside from men who are recruiting, actually. They can be dickheads.

Hell and who creates the situation where it's Mothers left to do the majority of childcare? Who is it who assumes that they'll go to work after the baby's born and the Mother go part time or give up?

@BillHadersNewWife well my DP (and many fathers that I know) do their share of the childcare and encourage partners back to work.

But then when they encourage us to go back they're still supposedly selfish and sexist so they can't win really.

Don’t feel guilty. There are a few at my DDs nursery who go to morning club. It seems lovely, all the kids sit or play together and aren’t segregated by ages during this period. The older kids love it as it gives them responsibility and the younger ones love it as they feel grown up.
I think the most important thing is what you do outside of those hours. If you are stressing about money then your dc will pick up on it but if you take the job you’ll stress less and have more beneficial time with your DC out of work/nursery hours

I always found it much less stressful for my dc to be dropped at nursery early when it's quiet and the staff are better able to spend time helping them get settled than later on when it's getting busier. Don't feel guilty. I'm sorry your self employment didn't work out but congratulations on the job!

Hell you're speaking subjectively. Not objectively. So it's irrelevant what your DP does. It's also irrelevant what my DH does. It's what OTHERS do.

most kids love nursery, trust me they will be happy in there.

Mine wave me off nursery/school, i do not feel guilty! they have a fabulous time, play with friends, eat some fantastic food, and are happy and settled on collection.

kids love structure, they can play at home on your days off, go work mama!

They really won't notice the hour. My Ds does 8-6 on both of his nursery days and I was a bit worried about him being there 10 hours a day, but by the time he has had 3 meals there and napped for 2 hours I think the day flies by for them.

Don't fret about it. I went to a full time childminder from about the age of 6 months as my mum couldn't afford to not be in full time work. Im fine and still have a good relationship with my mum.

This is real life. You have to work to provide. Your nursery sounds great and that is what matters. FWIW my DDs were in full time nursery from 6 months old - they are 19 and 17 now and you couldn't wish for two more well adjusted, sociable and bright young people. Between a great caring mum and a great caring nursery, your DC will thrive.

How long have you been self-employed, OP? If it’s a temporary lull and usually does well the rest of the year it seems drastic to give it up when January is always quiet.

If it’s more the case that you’ve gone to 4 days hoping it would scale up (having not done so much work before) and it hasn’t, then yes an employee job would be easier to manage for security.

Regardless, most working parents have to use childcare from early morning to get to their jobs. So don’t worry about that! An extra hour in childcare at the beginning of the day with a 2 year old is better than at the end of the day.

When my dgs was 2 my ds and dil had to put him in full time nursery ( 5 days a week) after being at home with parents or gps.
They needed the money. They rang and told me and after putting the phone down I sobbed . ( I never told them).
However after 2 weeks he was fine and never looked back.

If I’d intervened I would have been so wrong.
Your dc are already used to nursery so they will be fine and happy.

Thanks for all the helpful responses. Really helped to put things in perspective for me.

To answer a few of the questions - I’m single but DC’s dad is pretty involved, he’s happy to do the nursery runs including the morning ones, but he has let me down a few times in the past last minute so I’m wary of relying on him for set times/days once i start the job.

I do plan to keep my self employment going at the same time - I won’t stop it totally unless I have several months with little interest. It has been really busy in the past - to the extent I’ve had to turn down work as I’ve been totally booked up - so I anticipated it to be much more profitable when DC started nursery and I had lots more time to dedicate to it

@NoSquirrels I’ve been self employed for a few years now, but because I was caring for DC there was a limit to how much I could grow/expand. I’ll definitely keep it going, it’s just causing me a lot of stress at the moment worrying whether I’ll have enough income from it to cover bills/car/childcare fees.. I think having the employment too will give me financial security and I’ll still set some time aside for the self employment.

Definitely no problem at all for them to do the extra hour but I would ask the new job firmly if they can flex for you - even if only a 30 min later start.

Employers need to feel the difficulty childcare causes their employees otherwise they get the false impression it’s easy and can change hours and days on a whim (and I say that as a manager of a large team and yes it’s a pain as the company when someone needs childcare flex but I will bend over backwards to make it happen)