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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be absolutely pissed off

31 replies

TheOrangeFox · 15/01/2020 00:14

AIBU to be absolutely pissed off with my friend?

We've been friends for over 20 years and she's always been a bit flaky but it's never been that big of a deal to get into a row over. This one has really hurt me and I'm considering taking a step back from the relationship.

I planned a dinner party for me, DH, and two other couples (one being best friend and her DP). We were texting most of the day to make sure I was catering the menu to her (she can't handle spice and I was making a three course meal with a curry as the main). All was well. She said she was getting ready and she'd be here a little earlier than the other couple which was fine.

Cut to 5:30 and she said her DP had rang her to say the weather was bad. I asked if they were cancelling as I'd rather know then than later on. She said she thinks so as her DP doesn't want to drive the roads if it's very wet. This rang alarm bells immediately because he races cars and is a very good driver so a bit of rain would never dampen his plans usually. I then offered to pay for her taxi down (a 30 minute journey as she doesn't drive) and for her to stay overnight. DH said he wouldn't mind picking her up either so we offered. Text about 5 times, rang twice. All blanked.

I was pretty annoyed but I didn't let it ruin the night and we had a lovely time. However, today I was expecting something and she's ghosted me all day after having read the messages on WhatsApp. I then see she went driving a 5 hour journey with someone around 6am on her instagram stories.

I messaged her about 9pm and said "It's been over 24 hours and you've got nothing to say to me?" No response.

We're adults in our thirties. A simple message to say "Sorry, not up for it tonight. Double booked" wouldn't hurt, would it? Especially since she had been leading me to believe she was coming at 6:30 until 5:30 the same day. I'm really upset and considering taking a huge step back from the friendship due to this.

AIBU?

OP posts:
QueenofallIsee · 15/01/2020 00:18

I’d be bloody livid and would reconsider the friendship. You cooked, catering specifically to her dietary needs, offered solutions to her alleged issues and she didn’t own up to just not wanting to come! That’s bloody awful.

I am sure someone will come along and wonder if she is being emotionally abused or if the DP is to blame but I assume after 20 years of this (without the DP on the scene?) she is just inconsiderate and you know it? Bin her unless she genuinely apologises

DFAMA · 15/01/2020 00:20

Yanbu. Shes obviously ignoring you because she knows she was out of order

BadgertheBodger · 15/01/2020 00:20

Is she on glue drugs? It’s bizarre to tell someone a load of bullshit after saying you’ll be attending something then not go then go out driving with someone at 6am. Who does the driving thing? It’s very odd!

Bluddyhateful · 15/01/2020 00:20

Yanbu

wildcherries · 15/01/2020 00:24

I'd be so upset about that. YANBU.

Original poster
TheOrangeFox · 15/01/2020 00:25

I've always been quick to forgive her because I know she suffers with depression but I don't think I can forgive this due to the fact she clearly had a better offer the next morning and decided even showing up for dinner and not staying all night would be an option.

Pre-DP she was the same but it was easier as she was more local. She now lives with DP a thirty minute drive away but somewhere that isn't easily accessible. It's why we offered a taxi or to pick her up because if her DP didn't want to come/refused to drive then she wouldn't have been able to come. But despite the offers, she simply didn't respond.

Her DP is a selfish man who I tolerate but don't particularly like but he's not emotionally abusive. If anything he's too emotionally detached and cares very little about what she does without him. Obviously we don't know the ins and outs of the relationship from a distance but we talk about everything and it's never been a red flag for me.

This came from her this time, I'm sure of it and I'm absolutely gutted because I don't think I can come back from this. I'd be pissed off but willing to reconcile once processed if it was the first time or if she'd said upfront that she had a better offer and just didn't fancy coming but this feels so dishonest and rude. She doesn't respect me at all, does she?

OP posts:
wildcherries · 15/01/2020 00:29

No. Sorry. She's being rude.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 15/01/2020 00:45

You didn’t exactly cater the menu to her if she hates spice and you made curry.

However, she sounds as flaky as hell and I couldn’t be bothered with it. I wouldn’t make a big thing about breaking the friendship - just don’t bother inviting her to anything. When she complains, as her sort invariably do, tell her why.

Original poster
TheOrangeFox · 15/01/2020 00:47

@StillCoughingAndLaughing I made a korma. It tasted of nothing but vegetables and coconut milk without even a hint of a kick. Considering the rest of the table are spice fans, I absolutely catered to her on this.

OP posts:
WineGumsandDaisies · 15/01/2020 00:55

she’s rude. Ditch her. Maybe message her and tell her she’s rude and you’re not dealing with this sort of behaviour anymore. Then ghost her. See how she likes it.

Life’s too short for flaky friends. She’s obviously got no morals so don’t waste tour time on her.

Apileofballyhoo · 15/01/2020 00:57

So she made plans to go somewhere that's 5 hours away leaving at 6 am and you think she skipped your dinner party because she didn't want a late night the night before getting up so early?

user1473878824 · 15/01/2020 00:59

I would be absolutely livid and I’d be saying something this time.

Instagrump · 15/01/2020 01:11

I'm afraid I'd be telling her to fuck off when she comes calling for her old friend again.

Original poster
TheOrangeFox · 15/01/2020 01:13

I think so. I can't be sure without talking to her (and I don't know who she was with going down there) but there was no mention of anything beforehand so I'm assuming she got a better offer and decided that the dinner party wouldn't work with her new plans. It seems to make the most sense.

She posted an Instagram story about 10:30pm Monday night that stated her snapchat name so people could send her things to do while she's on the drive. I didn't see it until this morning when I was going through Instagram on my break. I checked Snapchat (which I don't use anymore but still have on my phone) and she posted two updates - one at 8am stating she hated the locations traffic and one at 11:30am with a heart at the 'Welcome to x' sign in our home city.

You can see when someone was last online on WhatsApp and it says she was last online at 8:53pm today before I sent the text so she had all day to message and apologise or offer some information (even a text saying 'I can't talk now but later' would be fine) but hasn't bothered yet had time to update both her Instagram story and Snapchat story. She clearly knows I can see both as they're public.

OP posts:
Sickandscared · 15/01/2020 01:21

I would bin her. She's self- serving and a user. They don't change and don't care.

GADDay · 15/01/2020 01:24

Bizarre behaviour. I'd call her out on her rude behaviour and then draw a soft line under the friendship for a while.

Nowt stranger than folk Confused

managedmis · 15/01/2020 01:24

Because she suffers with depression she can walk all-over you? Huh?

managedmis · 15/01/2020 01:26

But despite the offers, she simply didn't respond.

^^

It'd be curtains on this friendship, op. She doesn't give a fuck about you.

Newmumatlast · 15/01/2020 01:33

Yanbu. You dont enjoy the relationship anymore so nothing lost

Sadiee88 · 15/01/2020 01:39

She sounds extremely selfish. I couldn’t be bothered with her!

worlybear · 15/01/2020 01:45

Get rid.

agonyauntie2020 · 15/01/2020 01:56

LTBitch.

Original poster
TheOrangeFox · 15/01/2020 02:12

I've spoken to some friends about this in real life and they're in agreement that I need to step back from this and not spend any energy over it.

Let her come. Tell her I love her, I wish her well but what she did hurt me, especially as she knew how important this night was to me and that she afforded me no respect in the situation. I don't want to go harshly and unfollow her on all social media and go off on a rant because it won't end well for my mental health but just taking a huge step back from the entire relationship is absolutely necessary.

I do adore her. She's like a sister to me but apart from text messages we don't see each other much and it's become extremely one sided (I took her Christmas present up to her but I didn't receive one nor did she offer to visit when she was down this way at Christmas visiting family and many more instances of that ilk). It'll be better not to put myself in a situation where I end up disappointed but not surprised.

OP posts:
spongejack · 15/01/2020 07:08

She is telling you everything you need to know about your relationship, she doesn't care about you or your feelings or how much she hurts you.

For your own dignity and to not get hurt, just don't have anything to do with her.

Sone people you just can't be friends with.

NightsOfCabiria · 15/01/2020 07:19

Your last update clearly shows that she doesnt care about you and isnt doing anything to maintain the friendship. It’s dead. I think you just have to accept that she’s no longer your friend and let her go.

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