To be absolutely pissed off

[TheOrangeFox]

AIBU to be absolutely pissed off with my friend?

We've been friends for over 20 years and she's always been a bit flaky but it's never been that big of a deal to get into a row over. This one has really hurt me and I'm considering taking a step back from the relationship.

I planned a dinner party for me, DH, and two other couples (one being best friend and her DP). We were texting most of the day to make sure I was catering the menu to her (she can't handle spice and I was making a three course meal with a curry as the main). All was well. She said she was getting ready and she'd be here a little earlier than the other couple which was fine.

Cut to 5:30 and she said her DP had rang her to say the weather was bad. I asked if they were cancelling as I'd rather know then than later on. She said she thinks so as her DP doesn't want to drive the roads if it's very wet. This rang alarm bells immediately because he races cars and is a very good driver so a bit of rain would never dampen his plans usually. I then offered to pay for her taxi down (a 30 minute journey as she doesn't drive) and for her to stay overnight. DH said he wouldn't mind picking her up either so we offered. Text about 5 times, rang twice. All blanked.

I was pretty annoyed but I didn't let it ruin the night and we had a lovely time. However, today I was expecting something and she's ghosted me all day after having read the messages on WhatsApp. I then see she went driving a 5 hour journey with someone around 6am on her instagram stories.

I messaged her about 9pm and said "It's been over 24 hours and you've got nothing to say to me?" No response.

We're adults in our thirties. A simple message to say "Sorry, not up for it tonight. Double booked" wouldn't hurt, would it? Especially since she had been leading me to believe she was coming at 6:30 until 5:30 the same day. I'm really upset and considering taking a huge step back from the friendship due to this.

AIBU?

She text me this morning saying "I don't know what you want me to say..." and essentially deflected everything saying that she couldn't force her DP to drive in unsafe conditions and that she had plans the next day that were messing up so the person she was going out with picked her up the same evening as the dinner party. She said she didn't want to come to a couples party alone. No apology for ghosting me.

I messaged back that I wish she would have communicated any or all of this to me on the night. I'd have been angry but at least I could respect the honesty there and we could reconnect once if processed but instead she just did whatever she wanted. I made it clear that it wasn't about her DP or her plans the next day but that she didn't communicate and thought it was absolutely fine to ghost me for a day and a half only to come back with a deflecting message that essentially tried to make me feel like I didn't have a right to be upset.

I wished her well and said I need to take a massive step back from this relationship because of the complete lack of respect afforded to me and now I'm sad because I know I can't go back and I'm so used to going back and everything being fine. This isn't on though. There isn't any going back after that message.

Wow! well it’s her loss!

Well, I think most people would have known what they should say.

"I'm really sorry, I know I messed you around and you're understandably upset".

It's amazing how many people are constitutionally incapable of admitting fault and making a sincere apology though, like it's some sort of weakness.

And it sounds like she's used to getting away with treating you like something that got stuck to her shoe, saying nothing, and it all being swept under the rug until next time.

So good on you for not doing this.

Mourn the loss of a good friendship that seems to have reached its current use by date. Maybe later, when she has done a bit of growing up, it might rekindle, but until then, focus on real friends, who give, as well as take.

Well done on taking steps OP, it must hurt terribly but you would have kicked yourself if you’d let this go.

The more I think about it the more angry and frustrated I am at the response. I haven't text her anything else but she's read the responses and then hopped straight back on the ghost train.

It's all me me me. She really doesn't care and that's upset me majorly because I thought she'd care enough to respond in some way but she clearly doesn't. The friendship is over and this feels like a break up.

Good for you. There's only so many "strikes" you can give people before you have to say "enough" or turn into a doormat.

Couple of years ago my grandad was taken to hospital, I went with him, and I texted my best friend that evening to let her know what was going on. Although he was pretty good in himself, he was 97 and I was pretty sure where it was heading. Three days later, the hospital confirmed his heart was failing and he was on his way out and wouldn't be coming home but didn't know how long it would take. The next day I saw my best friend and told her this. I didn't hear from her again until Friday evening when I got a text that read:

"Off on holidays, see you when we get back. Hope your grandad is feeling better x"

Better? I told you on Sunday he's fucking dying! She went off on her hols with two mutual friends but I didn't reply although I was fuming. Didn't expect to hear from her while she was away (although I would have dropped a text or two had the shoe been on the other foot) but assumed I'd hear from her as soon as she got back the following Saturday. Nope.

Nor on Sunday. Or Monday. Or Tuesday. I heard from her Wednesday morning because someone had heard on Tuesday evening that my grandad had died on Monday morning. Just a text to say "Sorry to hear your news x"

Suffice it to say, she is no longer a friend, let alone my best friend.