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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell friend about nanny

67 replies

Whatnameisgood · 14/01/2020 20:46

I sometimes see a friend’s toddler with her nanny at a local playgroup. The nanny tends to be chatting a lot to other adults, which is fair enough. However last couple of times I’ve noticed her looking around for friend’s toddler after she’s lost sight of her for a while. Today toddler was in a completely different room, completely out of nanny ‘s sight, for several minutes (at least 3). I was watching and toddler was fine but IMO 3 minutes is a long time to not see a small child in your care. It’s unlikely that anyone would have let the toddler out of the playgroup itself but I suppose is possible in theory. There were some (not many) steps the child could have climbed up and fallen from. Should I say something to my friend or not?

YABU don’t say anything to friend
YANBU mention it to friend

OP posts:
user1487194234 · 14/01/2020 21:37

I definitely wouldn't

Excited101 · 14/01/2020 21:38

I think you need to mind your own business, it’s a playgroup and a bit of independence in a safe environment is to be encouraged. Does the nanny know you know the child?

Nettleskeins · 14/01/2020 21:40

I once went to an activity group for toddlers and a nanny had left an [older] baby in her pram, completely smothered in outdoor wear and blankets on top in a hot room whilst supervising the toddler in the group. the baby was screaming and red in the face out of earshot in the second room off main room. same nanny was speaking crossly to toddler too. I felt like slipping a piece of paper into the pram for the mum to find that evening. As it was I said something to the nanny - your baby is overheating and she huffed and puffed about it.

I would say something to the nanny herself. At least she knows you are watching. If she has nothing to reproach herself for, then it cannot do any harm. If she flounces about it, I would say tell the mother if you know her.

I was glad when a friend told me my child aged 20 months was ignoring the mother's help at playgroup and there was no interaction between them. she lasted about a week. Reports about next mother's help were very favourable - friends said she was actually playing and talking to him.

the point about a playgroup with a toddler is that you are facilitating your child's play, it isn't about letting them run off and do their own thing at that age.

FriedasCarLoad · 14/01/2020 21:43

I feel if this were a mum, people would say to give her slack and that it's a playgroup so safe area, and to not judge. But as its a nanny people see it differently and are harsher.

Isn't that because it's the parents' decision. I'd be fine with this if I were the friend, but I know other mothers who wouldn't.

Surely the friend should be told, then it's up to her whether she's fine with it. Her child, her choice.

Surfskatefamily · 14/01/2020 21:43

I'd want to know...my toddler for example tries to escape out the door if he thinks I am not watching at toddler groups. So she'd probably lose him.
Hes almost made it to the street before after a woman just stepped aside to let him out the door a few weeks ago, as I was running across the room shouting his name! Hes fast 😬

NotQuiteUsual · 14/01/2020 21:43

Honestly it depends on the vibe of the group to me. I go a group with two rooms and it's very chill, everyone watches out for everyone's little ones and it's fine for children not to be followed too closely. It's like when you're at a big family party.

But others groups I wouldn't dream of it.

Nettleskeins · 14/01/2020 21:43

the point is that a nanny has to be more interested and less chilled than a doting mother precisely because she isn't a doting mother, she isn't sleep deprived (and in need of chilling)and she doesn't know the child inside out like its mother might...

JosefKeller · 14/01/2020 21:44

I feel if this were a mum, people would say to give her slack and that it's a playgroup so safe area, and to not judge.

I disagree, it's still a parent responsibility to look after their own child. So it's even worst when a paid employee is neglecting the child.

SisterAgatha · 14/01/2020 21:45

Exactly, her very job IS that child. She’s being paid to be there, she isn’t there for a chat, there are clubs for that.

Bowerbird5 · 14/01/2020 21:47

At least give her a chance and say it to her face.
Difficult as another parent might be asking for her advice, she answers to be polite then notices charge has moved, it would be rude to just leave at very least she would turn to say sorry must run after x. 3 mins, really . If it was near a pond, yes.In a playgroup which should have been risk assessed by the leader, no. If it was ten minutes fair enough.

Bowerbird5 · 14/01/2020 21:48

Can I just say if you are watching the nanny and so invested in what she and her charge is doing who is watching your child?

custardbear · 14/01/2020 21:48

Yep I'd tell your friend
I don't trust anyone these days - no one gives a fuck unless you're lucky to find a decent person to do An decent job for you

SisterAgatha · 14/01/2020 21:50

Well if she’s in the same room as her child and the nanny it’s possible to watch both. Which is more than the nanny is doing. Maybe OP was watching her friends child and her own on her friends behalf... because the nanny wasnt.

JosefKeller · 14/01/2020 21:51

Can I just say if you are watching the nanny and so invested in what she and her charge is doing who is watching your child? Hmm

what makes you think the child is not in the room with his/her mum? It's possible to be with your own child and still be aware of your surrounding. Grin

Bowerbird5 · 14/01/2020 21:52

Nettleskeins If she is a full time nanny she may/will be both sleep deprived and know the child inside out. Depending on the nanny of course.

Molly2017 · 14/01/2020 21:55

I voted YABU because ime people don’t want to be told their child care provider is shit. They don’t want the hassle of finding alternative care (or feeling like they should). They mostly choose the carer because of convenience and price.
I’ve been a SAHM for 5yrs. Honestly, every single person I speak to about their CM or nursery say they are ‘excellent’. I even had friends put their children in a nursery where a child choked to death and the provider was found to be at fault. They chose them because the location was on their way to work and it was competitively priced.

There was a child being looked after by a carer (I’m guessing CM). He was always crying. Every time I saw this boy with the CM he was crying. She would try and comfort him on occasion but mostly left him to cry.
I was concerned for the child but didn’t know the parents or what to do. I saw him with his mum in Tesco once and he wasn’t crying. I was open mouthed. I wanted to approach her and say something but realised she wouldn’t thank me because it would leave her in a difficult position. Plus a good CM would tell her he spent most of the day crying right?

If I’m at a playgroup and know a child who is with a CM the first thing they ask me is how I know the child, try and work out how close the relationship is. You’ll be amazed how quickly they jump out of their seat and start actually interacting with the child, when they realise I’m friends with the parent. I’m not saying all CM’s are like this but ime over 5 yrs the majority I’ve come across are.

Stompythedinosaur · 14/01/2020 21:57

I wouldn't mention it because I wouldn't see it as an issue. I guarantee I didn't follow my dc around every second at age 3 when they were in a child friendly environment.

I'm wondering if you really think a 3 year old playing alone at a playgroup for 3 mins is a problem, or is it that you don't think the nanny should have the benefit of a chat with the other adults because she is an employee?

BillHadersNewWife · 14/01/2020 22:00

YANBU actually. I once saw a childminder being mean to a child in her care at playgroup. I'd seen the same woman and a bunch of other CM weekly for a while and never liked their style.

This woman was teasing her charge with a biscuit. Holding it out of reach for too long and the child was upset.

I went to some lengths to find out the name of the woman and the child and then phoned the Mother up. SHe was very glad I called her because she'd been having a few doubts about the CM and this confirmed them for her.

IncrediblySadToo · 14/01/2020 22:04

A toddler in another room at a playgroup...

It’s hardly news worthy.

JFC she’s a nanny not an inmate. She doesn’t need ‘watching’.

carly2803 · 14/01/2020 22:06

tell your friend, i would want to know.

You pay people to look after your children, not to socialise. Harsh sorry, but nannies are premium cost too.

BlackBlueBell · 14/01/2020 22:08

@FattyCutty Yes part of her job is to socialise with the kids, primarily the one she is being paid to care for, but she’s socialising with the adults instead, whilst losing the child, that’s my point.

IamTheMESSIAH · 14/01/2020 22:15

Just say something to the nanny FGS

TriciaH87 · 14/01/2020 22:22

Even as a parent you can't watch a toddler 24 7 a couple minutes gee that's like going to the toilet kind of time. Personally I've not watched mine for 30 seconds when in a jumperoo with nothing nearby. Still managed to get something and choke from god only knows where. She's only human and nothing happened. Maybe better off pointing out to the nanny next time the child is now in..... This way she goes straight there rather than watch and wait.

1300cakes · 14/01/2020 22:22

people don’t want to be told their child care provider is shit. They don’t want the hassle of finding alternative care (or feeling like they should).

I think you'd be putting your friend in an awkward situation over nothing. What can she do about it? Tell the nanny she's being spied on and to do better? That's hardly going to inspire good employee employer relations. Fire her? Massive hassle. Do nothing but now be worried about it? If it was something dangerous yes, but I don't think a child being out of sight in such a situation is anything to worry about.

At first I was going to vote yanbu because I thought you were talking about a park or something. But an indoor playgroup?

Princesspickle777 · 14/01/2020 22:35

I’d cut her a bit of slack to be honest and not mention anything. Was the room the toddler was in a room used by the playgroup? Our playgroup has three rooms to use and children run between them all. There’s not always an adult in each, some of these children are with nannies/childminders. They’re safe however because it’s a secure area. Without an adult letting the toddler out would she have been able to escape?. I think by telling the parent you’d be causing unnecessary worry.