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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm not responsible for hospital's decision

57 replies

Orangeblossom78 · 14/01/2020 17:01

My family are making me feel responsible for my elderly dad being sent home from the hospital.

He hurt himself on some broken furniture in his sheltered housing flat. And as it was over the holiday period no-one came for ages to help, ended up going into hospital and getting patched up.

So, nothing major such as a heart attack etc...the hospital rang me (dad had given my number I think as next of kin) Anyway they told me they were sending him home and I asked if it would be Ok for hospital transport as I live far away, and they agreed.

However, my sibling is saying they wished they had been spoken to instead. That they should have kept him in and assessed him more. I think they want him to go into more supported accommodation and this would have helped.

However the hospital physio spoke to me and explained dad was medically fit to go home, if his home was unsafe with broken furniture etc then that needed sorted out at home, and he was mobilising and managing showering ok etc and also they had lots of flu cases and didn't want him catching that.

Also he wanted to go home and I think that needs respected as well.
AIBU? Talking to them further wouldn't have changed things. Feel like now dad is home I am being blamed for this as family nearby now taking time off work etc to help him clear up.

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 14/01/2020 17:04

Your poor dad. I’m afraid I do think it’s the child’s responsibility to look after their parents rather than rely upon the hospital.

How far away do you live? Why has he got broken furniture that led to an accident that no one has helped him fix?

AryaStarkWolf · 14/01/2020 17:05

I think someone who lives nearer to him should probably be his next of kin contact so they could have brought him home and made sure everything was OK for him there

Ffsnosexallowed · 14/01/2020 17:05

Yanbu at all. If your dad if medically fit then he's best of at home rather than in hospital with the risk of infection, flu etc. If he needs an assessment for social care then that is best done at home.

crosspelican · 14/01/2020 17:08

How much support does he have? It sounds like he has very little if he is living with broken furniture and - as you describe it - was lying in pain for some time before being found. It doesn't sound like he is safe or that the carers at the sheltered housing unit are sufficiently available.

It's not really about this particular hospital visit - the nurse was right that a longer stay leaves him at risk of contracting something worse than some bruising - but about his long term welfare.

Original poster
Orangeblossom78 · 14/01/2020 17:08

Oh also I asked the hospital to put in a local services referral (but in the past he had carers and sent them away so it will depend on if he will engage or not)

Yes I told my sibling he can be next of kin next time. I don;t want to be blamed for this again.

He is a bit of a hoarder and it was messy, think this is why there was broken stuff lying around. It has been cleared up now.

OP posts:
crosspelican · 14/01/2020 17:08

Is your sibling closer? You probably were unreasonable to have your father sent home without conferring with her.

Original poster
Orangeblossom78 · 14/01/2020 17:09

I agree about the carers but there is only so much can be done if he sends them away.

OP posts:
Original poster
Orangeblossom78 · 14/01/2020 17:10

Cross it was not a choice, they told me it was happening. This seems to be what my sibling things too. They said 'we are an acute hospital' and he needs a home assessment. No discussion

OP posts:
halcyondays · 14/01/2020 17:11

Does he have any help at all at the moment?
Can you get him an alarm button?

Gingernaut · 14/01/2020 17:12

An unsafe discharge could result in a patient returning to hospital shortly after leaving.

An OT assessment might have been appropriate, before letting him loose.

Original poster
Orangeblossom78 · 14/01/2020 17:17

Yes I have got it sorted for an alarm button etc if he will use it. he was busy shopping and cooking for himself last time I spoke to him and seemed to be managing quite well. He has a warden looks after them also

OP posts:
Amaretto · 14/01/2020 17:18

I think that about act t(e space isn’t safe isn’t a hospital issue is a very good one.
They are grumbling because they need to come and help clearing up broken furniture. I mean yes I can see why they wouod grumble but in he other side, shouod they not have done that a long time ago, befire it became a problem because your dad fell over??

Jess8654 · 14/01/2020 17:19

YANBU. If he's medically fit for discharge he should be discharged, rather than filling up a hospital bed unnecessarily.

The interests of other patients have to come above your brother's inconvenience.

Original poster
Orangeblossom78 · 14/01/2020 17:21

I know. I do live hundreds of miles away also and have my own family so can't just rush up there.

I did follow up the SS referral and explained but they said he would need to engage and not send carers away again

OP posts:
Amaretto · 14/01/2020 17:24

I wouod be wondering what is the issue behind the grumble from your sibling.

Is it that they dint want to be involved in your dad’s care/can’t be bothered so want higher involvement in his care from a care home?
Is it taking too much time? Is your dad particularly hard to deal with because he is a hoarder so there is constantly some ‘work to do’ to make the place safe?

Any studies have shown that people value being independent for as long as possible. They live longer and are happier and when they are institutionalised.
Ther is an issue between the needs of your father and the oneS of your sibling. But the answer doesn’t have to be a higher need accommodation Because your sibling wants to step down.

Another question is: why did your father put YOU as the next of Kin you are living further away? Maybe there is a reason for that and his wishes should be respected there too!

CoffeeRunner · 14/01/2020 17:25

Does your father have mental capacity? If so, and he is medically fit for discharge, he can go home if he wants to. You can do very little (other than talk to him) to prevent it.

Hospitals can’t just keep medically fit patients in for the convenience of their families.

Original poster
Orangeblossom78 · 14/01/2020 17:26

I thunk as he thought sibling was visiting me but not sure. I guess the issue for grumbling was he might have been 'safer' if he stayed in (maybe not if flu though!) or time take off work to help him tidy?

OP posts:
Original poster
Orangeblossom78 · 14/01/2020 17:26

Yes I think he has capacity. he wanted to go home

OP posts:
Furrybootsyecomfy · 14/01/2020 17:28

If he is able to shower, mobilise and cook, there isn’t much an Inpatient OT assessment can add. Also, assuming your dad has capacity, he has the right to send the carers away, and to go home if he wants. It is worth chatting to him and asking what help he would be willing to accept, and how to make his home environment safer. There is advice online about how to minimise the risk of falls at home, or his local council might have a falls team who can have a look at his house and help. The call button is a great thing if he’ll use it. Our local council also offer a program to help with mobility, memory etc - not quite rehab, but can help improve the function of people just managing.

I do sympathise, OP, I work with elderly people and people like your dad (getting by but not keen/ eligible for more help) are often our biggest challenges. You are doing the right thing by supporting him to go home in a way that’s tolerable to him.

RatherBeRiding · 14/01/2020 17:30

What was the hospital supposed to do? He was medically fit, he wanted to go home, he has a home to go to. The fact that he is elderly and hoards stuff is neither here nor there. If he can support himself at home, then he has an absolute right to return there.

Original poster
Orangeblossom78 · 14/01/2020 17:30

There seems to be a good website online form his council yes they do a falls course thing, exercises etc. I will suggest it and see what he says.

You can't make people though...

OP posts:
Original poster
Orangeblossom78 · 14/01/2020 17:32

Also the hospital had fixed the problem which is different from e.g. a stroke requiring more care needs then when he came in...

OP posts:
Furrybootsyecomfy · 14/01/2020 17:32

Age Uk and your local Carers association are usually good places to start for advice.

Furrybootsyecomfy · 14/01/2020 17:35

And you’re absolutely right, you can’t make him. There’s no point putting together a plan that will make him miserable.

HouseyNousey · 14/01/2020 17:36

We had a similar problem re discharge of FIL a few weeks ago,

89 years old, has leukemia, fell in the hallway and couldn't get up, two hours for ambulance, diagnosed with flu, sepsis and pneumonia. Very frail, hardly able to move or lift a teaspoon.

We kept asking the staff every time we went about his discharge so we could prepare for it. Each time told no way he was going home as blood tests still weren't right etc. Never once indicated anything else. In all our conversations we told them even though he had lots of visitors he did live alone.

Suddenly 3pm NYE DH gets a call can you pick him up in 20 minutes he's in the lounge waiting to go home!

No one was close enough to pick him up so he sat there 1.5 or so hours and DH finished work early. House freezing as no one there for nearly two weeks and no food in.

On the paper the hospital gave us they put 'don't know' on the section about whether he lives alone. The DID know as we and other family members made sure of it.

At no time did anyone ask or tell us about him going home they just released him.

He is very lucky and does have supportive family but supposing he had no one and they sent him home like that? It's very worrying.

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