To take all I can?

[Lanurk]

In a nutshell it looks like my relationship with dp is imploding. I’m fed up of nothing being perfect enough, he expects me to spend the day cleaning and to have tea on the table by 17:15 when I’m not working. I work 5 on 5 off and we have 3 kids. The youngest is 2 and I spend my days playing, taking him to groups then my afternoons doing homework with the older 2/ fixing them snack and whirlwinding round the house trying to get it tidy enough for passing muster.

I’m exhausted. We bought our first house last March and it was a bit of a fixer upper but we’re getting there. He contributed the whole deposit but I paid for various things out of the 3k of savings I’d accrued like upgrading the electrics, new flooring etc.

He’s mentioned a few times in the last couple of months that I should just buy him out and he’ll go. He’s sick of the clutter and mess and stress of being expected to go to socialise with friends at the weekends. I barely ask to do anything these days because he gets worked up due to undiagnosed anxiety and then he escalated it into a row. I didn’t used to bite back but I’m becoming less patient and more likely to call him on it. I’m the first to admit that our house is never spotless but I’m not if the opinion that a family home should look like a showhome. It’s a lot tidier than my flat when we first met, that’s for sure!

I should point out I’m unable to buy him out so it would be me leaving and he knows that full well. He’s also stated repeatedly that I’d leave with nothing since he paid the deposit.

The furniture has all been paid from my accounts, all bills come from an account in my name only although he pays money into it each month and when we got the mortgage I suggested a deed of trust or something to protect his money but he repeatedly declined. Anyway hopefully that prevents a drip feed.

My aibu question is I’m 99% sure that he’s speaking crap about me being entitled to nothing. Should I take him for half the equity in the property including half of the deposit he paid? It’s a difference of leaving with 15k or about 2 if I’m lucky after solicitors fees.

Surely the way to do this is to sell up, and after solicitors etc are paid, give him his deposit back and split what's left?

Are you married?

Who’s name is the house and mortgage under?

Joint mortgage and joint owners but not married.

@Sparklfairy in theory yes but the deposit was paid out of money he accumulated during our relationship as we paid everything 50/50 despite him being on a much higher wage than me, hence me having 3k saved whilst he had 10 times that. In buying I gave up a social housing flat and I’ll have to go into private rent with 3 kids as there’s no way he’d cope with having them.

It won't be 50:50 and his deposit back if you have three kids.
I'd leave him to cook his own dinner and hand him a scrubbing brush and Marigolds if he wants a show home. Don't even bother including him in a social life - get out on your own, with or without children, and leave him to his 'anxiety.'

I'm also thinking that if you scooted out the door for a few weekends away, leaving him with the children, then he might value your contribution more. Make sure you run your fingertips over the dust when you get back!

Haha I would but the kids would be miserable as they wouldn’t be allowed out of the house to do anything and then he’d shout at them for being boisterous and loud so it isn’t an option. Considered speaking to his family as they’re lovely but after how he’s been this weekend I’m not convinced it’s worth trying much longer. I had the eldest in tears because he wouldn’t stop bitching and then I lost my temper a bit and told him he was being ridiculous and that I was sick of him sabotaging every nice thing I try to do for the kids and that it wasn’t for my benefit we were going out. I’m on night shift so I’d much rather have slept for longer!

Sounds like you're not married so you don't have the protection of 50:50 split of marital assets.

Go and see a solicitor to find out what you could reasonable expect to get out of this situation, and then plan to leave when he's not there and take whatever you want to that YOU paid for. If he's being like that about the house, then you can be like that about the furnishings.

@thumb that’s definitely an option but I’m hoping that because we jointly own the house I’m entitled to half of the equity as he didn’t sign any of the paperwork he was advised to (by me and our solicitor) stating if we sold his deposit would come out first then we’d split whatever was left.

L

Sorry you're in this situation, it sounds horrible. If it's in joint names, he could stop paying the mortgage as you're both liable if you walk and he's unhappy with however you've handled it. But he also has no paperwork to say he paid the deposit so technically all monies belong to you both equally. It's a tricky one, so yes, book yourself a free consultation with a solicitor and hopefully they can explain the options available to you. Good luck.

@Oakeyy thanks. In an ideal world he’d get some help with his issues, agree to some couples counselling and we could repair things but He’s too stubborn and proud to do anything like that ☹️

What type of joint are you?

Did he not expect clutter and mess with 3 kids?

YANBU
It’s all about him really and he’s an adult and only one member of the family albeit he’s trying to opt out. If he signed the house over to you could you afford it? Surely he doesn’t want your dcs in unsecured accommodation when he can easily save and you can’t. Selfish manchild.

In theory I could afford it but in reality I can’t. I’ll have to give up work because I work evenings and nights so I’ll have no childcare. You’d think he’d have expected it well enough and I’ve never hidden my dislike of wasting days cleaning. It’s not that I don’t clean, the house isn’t dirty but if he gets in and I’ve not got round to sweeping the floor post snack or I’ve left a load of washing in the machine and another on the airer and gone to work it drives him mad and he stores it up til he’s frustrated and it all spills out. His family joke that he’s autistic and I think he’s maybe got mild Aspergers but he’s known every step of the way what he was getting himself in to. I’ve tried showing him my routine so he sees stuff is being cleaned as we’ve had days where he’s accused me of not hoovering for instance. I’ve even videoed myself doing stuff like that to prove it gets done but that causes a whole different argument that I’m taking the piss out of him.

Joint mortgage and joint owners?

Then I suspect he is screwed.
He’s also stated repeatedly that I’d leave with nothing since he paid the deposit.
This is pure aggressive bullshit on his part.

You have a heckler and a critic, not a partner.
He is using you as a punchbag instead of dealing with his own anxiety or whatever problem HE has. He is throwing all these tantrums in order to get you ...
1 - to feel you owe him an account of how you spent your day - he is asserting that he is in charge;
2 - to pay attention to him, to keep him always at the back of your mind even when you are trying to be a good, attentive mother to the children;
3 - to feel you are a failure even though you are a mother, have a job, and manage to keep the household going despite what he says about your competence;
4 - to feel after you have done what he expects you to do that you can't win.

He is trying to tear you down, in other words, in order to boost his own self esteem. It's emotional and psychological abuse.

Tell him you are very sorry he feels that way next time he tries to launch into an attack on you. Let it all wash over you and do not try to explain yourself, prove you have done housework, or address any details of what he is saying. If he continues, repeat that you are sorry he feels that way, and you are not going to discuss the topic.

His verbal attacks are done to get you to argue, to engage, to try to convince him, and all he has to do in order to boost his ego is deny reality, smack you down by (as seen) accusing you of taking the piss. So don't engage.

His denial of reality will actually drive you more than a little crazy. Don't engage with his criticism of you. Don't try to explain. He is trying to get under your skin. Don't let him.

Follow this advice:
180rule.com/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/
He is not necessarily a psychopath, but he is a bully.

Talk to a solicitor and find out exactly where you stand, financially speaking.

Thanks for that, I appreciate it. I have been letting it wash over me to a degree but this weekend has highlighted to me just how big an issue it is. My eldest was in tears because they didn’t like the words we said to one another. There was no swearing but some name calling on his part. I can’t let them grow up thinking this is what normal people do. I don’t think I realised just how bad things have disintegrated as my partner before him was a nasty bully and he’s never been like that or so I thought. Looking back I’m not so sure he isn’t controlling me in his own way. I don’t think it’s necessarily intentional with some things as I know I’ve trouble advocating for myself despite the fact that I can for pretty much anyone else!

Are you married? Are they his children?

He is controlling you. What he is doing is abuse.

You’re not the fucking maid! Videos to prove you’re doing housework?!
It’s not on. He’s not your boss.

He’d not last five minutes with me. I am missing the housework chip and it’s the bare minimum required here...though he’d be welcome to pitch in get it up to his own standards himself, if he’s that bothered.

He is controlling you. And i agree with pp it sounds like abuse. Busting a gut to get the house clean so he doesn't have a tantrum when he gets in. I wonder how much cleaning he does? You're better off without him.

There are different kinds of joint mortgage..I'm not sure you will be able to walk away with half the equity if it's clear from bank transfers & statement history etc on purchase that it came exclusively from him & you aren't married. Who pays the mortgage?

@pictish I seem to lack that chip too.

He does clean or rather he tidies stuff away almost obsessively when he gets in at night. There’s not allowed to be any toys left out of boxes or anything on the dining table except placemats and cutlery.

That's an angry performance designed to frighten you all, Lanurk.

Do you love this man?

I'd start with the answer to this.

I'd also suggest a GP appointment to start him on medication to help with his anxiety.

@LizzieMacQueen OP has already said he refuses to get help for his anxiety.