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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New woman

26 replies

blujohnstons · 12/01/2020 22:45

AIBU to think it is wrong to start a relationship while your long term now ex is pregnant? Do you think it or wrong Bringing another woman into the situation and offering no support to the mother of your baby? I need some hindsight as I can't see past this.

Babies father won't come to appointments, says he doesn't want to come the birth and wants to seek legal advice as I "hound" him "harrass" him and I'm a plague. He spoke to me during the week and told me if I needed anything i could ring him anytime. I spend all day yesterday in hospital and he wouldn't come so I got angry and Harsh words were said. The reason he didn't come to be there for me was becuase he spent all weekend with his girlfriend.

He doesn't want to come to the hospital when he is born and says he will be taking me to court and doesn't care when he gets to see him as long as he doesn't have to be near me. How can I get through the next 15 weeks and accept this is the way it is.

OP posts:
crustycrab · 12/01/2020 22:47

You need to cut him off and move on, he's not worth it and your responsibility now is to your baby.

Give the baby your surname, he's actually assuming you'll put him on the birth certificate 🤷🏽‍♀️.

The next 15 weeks are the least of your problems and you are well rid of him, sounds like a total waste of space

Fatasfooook · 12/01/2020 22:49

Cut him out now.

GabriellaMontez · 12/01/2020 22:51

And don't have him at the birth. He's a shit. Have someone supportive and reliable.

ColaFreezePop · 12/01/2020 22:54

@crustycrab the OP can't legally put the father on the birth certificate if they aren't married as he has to attend the appointment with her.

BorissGiantJohnson · 12/01/2020 22:56

What a horrible dickhead. Have you got a friend or family member who can support you instead? Let him take you to court for access, at least you'll have an agreement then. Although, particularly if you're breastfeeding he won't be able to have the baby much at first, but bf or not, it's important that mum and baby get to bond first anyway. Baby will know you and your voice from being in your tummy, baby will have to get to know him over some time. try to focus on you and your baby and not your crappy ex's crappy behaviour and ridiculous new gf.

Jellykat · 12/01/2020 22:58

Hes moved on, let him go and good riddance..
Concentrate on you and baby when it comes, i speak from experience..

BaronessBomburst · 12/01/2020 23:01

I wouldn't have said it's wrong to start a new relationship if your ex is pregnant, but you do wonder about the sort of woman who would go for such a man.

He's a tosser and you're well rid.
She has extremely low standards.
You get through the next 15 weeks by looking forward to your new life with your little boy! Smile Flowers

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/01/2020 23:01

Things clearly aren’t good between you and if he’s moved on emotionally and into a new relationship there’s nothing you can do and you’re best off leaving him to it.

He’s saying he won’t be involved now or down the line so unless he changes his mind his girlfriend won’t be affected by you or your baby.

Stop contacting him, you’re not helping yourself. Focus on yourself and your pregnancy and lean on support from any friends or family.

How long have you been split up?

elmosducks · 12/01/2020 23:09

YABU about girlfriend but he is BU to interact with you this way.

I'm sorry OP, he sounds like an immature twat.

I wouldn't contact him again until the baby is here.

SandyY2K · 12/01/2020 23:12

Your relationship is over, so he is free to start a new relationship just as you are.

You need to get used to doing this alone, because it's clear you cannot rely on him.

Best you seek support from a family member and get a birthing partner.

Daftodil · 12/01/2020 23:25

Not unreasonable to start a new relationship, assuming you'd already broken up BUT, if I was the other woman it would be a massive red flag that he would treat the mother of his child this way.

What does he want to take you to court for? Custody or "harassment"? If custody, I can't imagine he'll get far when he is saying he doesn't want to be involved! Keep all his messages just in case things do get ugly further down the line.

Don't contact him anymore. He isn't a nice person and it will just stress you out. If he wants to be involved, he has your number. You've given him the opportunity to get involved and unfortunately it doesn't sound like he wants to. His loss. He will regret it in time.

If you really want to give him another chance, maybe send one last message "As much as I'd like it if you were involved, I can't force you and it is a decision you need to make for yourself. I won't be "harassing" you anymore. If you want to know anything about future appointments, scans, birth and beyond, please contact me, otherwise goodluck with your life" and then wait to see what he does.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 12/01/2020 23:29

I do think it's unreasonable actually. It's stressful enough being pregnant and your relationship ending without him then starting to devote himself to a new relationship. He should be concentrating on dealing with the effects of his last relationship and the reality of the new life he has created, and supporting the mother to be.

Smellbellina · 12/01/2020 23:30

I concentrated on myself during pregnancy and felt the DF only had a role re the baby once the baby was born, and that was only because at that point the babies right/need to know their father trumped my right/needs where he was concerned.
Honestly? Let it go. Concentrate on you and your child. Leave him be and send him a message once baby is born.

SandyY2K · 12/01/2020 23:31

if I was the other woman it would be a massive red flag that he would treat the mother of his child this way.

I agree....but who knows if his new GF knows about the baby....much less the treatment.

SandyY2K · 12/01/2020 23:51

Just to add as well, a lot also depends on whether the baby was planned.

Is this behaviour out of character for him? Is he normally kind and caring?

It sounds like this wasn't a mutual amicable split, based on him accusing you of harassment and his silly threats.

Whatever the answers, he's made his position clear.

NameChangeNugget · 13/01/2020 00:41

Cut him out now, he seems very set about this.

seriouslystressedoutmama · 13/01/2020 09:13

My long term
Ex was seeing someone my whole pregnancy too op so I know how you're feeling. I think you really need to get you're head around the idea that he's not coming back and he won't be there to support you in any way shape or form. And that the other women will likely come before bubs once the baby is born: The sooner you can work you head around doing this on your own the easier it will be I promise. Also having a good psychologist really really helped me. I got a doula into the room so I wasn't alone giving birth and had a plan and support. I also hired a post partum nurse for additional support after bubs was born. Bearing in mind I was in a foreign country giving birth so had no family around. Do you have family support?

You're ex is a dickhead. He's not likely to improve once the baby is here either. I really feel for you.

bridgetreilly · 13/01/2020 09:39

He's your ex. I think you have to stop expecting him to act as your partner.

MelroseHigginbottom · 13/01/2020 09:44

Cut contact, don't put him on the birth certificate, block his number, and just focus on you, baby and your own family and friends. You don't need the stress of the bellend in your life.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 13/01/2020 10:01

Hi I think you are (understandably if it's a recent split) getting the two roles mixed up. An ex and father of your child - his role is to financially support the baby, have contact with the baby and communication should mainly be about co parenting.

Things like being with you at hospital appointments, attending scans, being at the birth- that's all more to do with you rather than the baby and you need someone there who is supportive of you, it doesnt need to be connected to the baby. Eg at the birth that person sees you at your most vulnerable, can get you to the hospital, check your bag, time contractions, stand up for what you've said you want your birth plan to be, massage you, give you snacks, hold your hand, encourage you. Unless you have a very very quick ans straightforward labour most of it will be about you and it's not really appropriate for an ex to be providing this level of support.

I'm sorry, it sounds hard, but you do need to accept he is an ex and is not involved in your life any more. Concentrate on yourself and getting some decent support in place and contact him only if you have significant news about the pregnancy or when the baby arrives.

Good luck

DarklyDreamingDexter · 13/01/2020 10:02

Unfortunately I don’t think you are going to get any kind of emotional support from him, so I’d give up seeking it. He’s shown his true colours early, so it may have done you a favour in the long run as he would probably be a complete arsehole about access etc, making your life a misery when the baby’s born. I would stop contacting him altogether, probably wouldn’t even tell him when the baby’s been born - let him find out when he’s contacted by the child maintenance people. Obviously don’t give the baby his surname or put him on the birth certificate as that gives him leverage and power. Keep all copies of texts or emails where he’s rejecting your previous offers to let him attend scans etc, so if he takes it to court there’s a trail which shows he’s shown zero interest. It’s a shit situation but you are better off cutting ties with this wanker.

GruciusMalfoy · 13/01/2020 10:17

He sounds like a dick, but it's better that you know now than when your child is here. You'll never be able to rely on him, so it's better if you can learn this now and start living a life for you and your baby. Forget about what he is doing, if he ends up actually being part of your baby's life I'd be surprised.

Walkerbean16 · 13/01/2020 10:26

Stop contacting him, ink ow ots easier said than done but if you out a time on it eg im not going to contact him for a week, then 2 it gets easier.

Plan to do this on your own, hopefully you have friends and family to support you.

Sorry you are going through this it must be really hard.

WooMaWang · 13/01/2020 10:55

You definitely don't want him at the hospital/birth (or any appointments). That's all about care for you - and you need to take someone who is there for you.

Once the baby is here, you can start to work out contact arrangements and organise child maintenance (which he has to pay, whether he registers the birth with you or not).

It really doesn't matter if he's in a new relationship or whatever (and it's sad to see all the assumptions made about the GF here). What matters is that your relationship with him is over and you'll be bringing up the baby on your own. Plan for that and try to figure out how (whether) he can have a consistent and positive relationship with the child.

ToastandCheese · 13/01/2020 11:02

You need to let go of your expectations. He isn’t going to be there for you and doesn’t want to be. Give the baby your last name and claim for maintenance. Find someone supportive to be there at the birth.

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