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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think temporary Foster care is the only option

65 replies

Idontknowwhat2do · 12/01/2020 19:57

Before i get completely slated for this, I know that care services are already stretched enough as is and I hate myself for even considering it but I'm not sure what else to do. I was recently diagnosed with Psychosis and I'm struggling to cope. I'm constantly exhausted, I'm paranoid and hallucinating most of the day. I can't focus on anything. My DD is 2 and my entire world, and the last thing I want is to be neglectful. I can't cope anymore. I'm in such a dark place and I need to get her out of this situation. I have barely and money so I can't afford to hire somebody to help me. No family or friends who can help with her. I really don't know what to do anymore. Is putting her into care until I get treatment the only option? I feel so awful even asking.

OP posts:
Fightingmycorner2019 · 12/01/2020 22:39

I think you have your DD best interests at heart . No judgement from me but much compassion .

oncemorewithfeeling99 · 12/01/2020 22:47

I second that asking social services for more childcare is the best option. But if you need to ask them to put them in foster care then remember that it might not be very easy to get her back when you are feeling better. You might want to ask on the legal advice section about it before you have any meetings with social services.

Angelw · 13/01/2020 03:37

I would support your decision into putting DD into foster care until your Mental state allows you to care adequately for her. It’s not easy when you identify this need but OP I would urge you to do what you have to do and my thoughts are with you Flowers. I know people have identified homestart support but I’m worried 😟 it won’t be adequate, you probably need a lot more help as you have probably already realised.

CheerfulMuddler · 13/01/2020 09:31

Is your child eligible for 15 hours free funded childcare? From the government website:

Your 2-year-old can get free early education and childcare if you live in England and get one of the following benefits:

Income Support
income-based Jobseeker’s Allowance (JSA)
income-related Employment and Support Allowance (ESA)
Universal Credit - if you and your partner have a combined income from work of £15,400 or less a year, after tax
tax credits and you have an income of £16,190 or less a year, before tax
the guaranteed element of State Pension Credit
support through part 6 of the Immigration and Asylum Act
the Working Tax Credit 4-week run on (the payment you get when you stop qualifying for Working Tax Credit)
A child can also get free early education and childcare if any of the following apply:

they’re looked after by a local council
they have a current statement of special education needs (SEN) or an education, health and care (EHC) plan
they get Disability Living Allowance
they’ve left care under a special guardianship order, child arrangements order or adoption order
If you’re eligible the free early education and childcare:

must be with an approved childcare provider
starts from the term after your child’s 2nd birthday
You may have to pay for extra costs like meals, nappies or trips.

Contact your childcare provider or local council to find out more.

www.gov.uk/help-with-childcare-costs/free-childcare-2-year-olds?step-by-step-nav=f237ec8e-e82c-4ffa-8fba-2a88a739783b

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 13/01/2020 09:53

Is dd entitled to any free childcare op?

I’m afraid I can’t be of much help but just wanted to say what an amazing job you’re doing. No one will judge a mother who strives to put her child first Flowers

Ponoka7 · 13/01/2020 09:57

It wouldn't be a case of Foster care or nothing.

There is a team for parents who are disabled etc.

They can fund childcare. Getting in touch with Home start is a start, but I'd also be approaching your HV, charities, or even your GP.

Have you ever been to your local children's centre? They have community workers who link with HVs.

AlrightyyThen · 13/01/2020 10:04

I was in a similar place when my DD was that age OP and she ended up living with her grandparents (on dads side) for 5/6 days out of the week (I visited daily). We were involved with social services (contacted by mental health professionals) and it was an informal arrangement.

When the time came that I was feeling well again I ended up having to do a court battle with GP for custody as they didn’t want to let her come back. Thankfully I won due to evidence I had about my improvements, etc, but if I was still in a vulnerable place I don’t think I would have.

I just worry that if you let her go into temporary foster care you will have a real fight on your hands trying to get her back when you’re feeling a bit more stable.

You sound amazing and it shows how capable you are, admitting that you need help. Like a PP said I think you might be holding too high a standard for your parenting... I certainly did, I was capable of all the things I thought I couldn’t provide in the end and thought I had to give her a perfect life when in fact, the best I could do was good enough.

I had help from Action For Children (they put DD in a crèche while I got help) which was amazing and then received free hours for nursery. I really needed that time and space.

This must be so hard for you, just wanted to say that the people on here can see how much you love your child and believe in you Flowers

Original poster
Idontknowwhat2do · 13/01/2020 10:05

We're not eligible for the free hours, we're paying for 9 hours a week but it's bleeding me dry and as soon as I'm dropping her off I'm picking her up again, so it doesn't give me any time to focus on helping myself. Alot of the charities or suggestions being put forward sound amazing (like the community childminding) but they're not run in my area. I haven't rang SS yet. I'm scared to now. I really don't know what to say, I don't want to sound like a bad mother. But just yesterday I forgot to give DD lunch because the hallucinations completely took over my thinking. She deserves better than this.

OP posts:
bobstersmum · 13/01/2020 10:10

I woke up thinking about you op, I know the general consensus on here has been do not put your child in temporary care, but if you feel there is a chance you might harm your child at some point then I really think you need to speak to someone irl asap to discuss helping you and your child.

karencantobe · 13/01/2020 10:11

I know psychosis is really hard. But as long as your child is safe, I think she will be better off with you. It is hugely distressing for a 2 year old to be taken away from their mum and put with a stranger.

karencantobe · 13/01/2020 10:12

What about ringing MIND and asking for help?

Mischance · 13/01/2020 10:17

My OH is currently experiencing delusions and hallucinations, so I do understand how distressing and all-consuming they can be. I am sorry that you are having to deal with this illness.

Your DD needs you; but you too need support - you will struggle to do this without. I really do think that Home Start are your best bet. Here is where you can find your nearest branch: www.home-
start.org.uk/find-your-nearest-home-start

I am not clear whether you have a partner on this situation.

It sounds as though SS are not taking this sufficiently seriously.

QueenoftheIceAge · 13/01/2020 10:19

What area of the country are you in?

NewDOOFUSfor20 · 13/01/2020 10:20

Sorry if I missed it but is DD father in the picture? Could he not have his DD whilst you recover? If he's in the picture then surely that would be a better option than foster care (admittedly there is very little info to go on here regarding your social circumstances so it may not be a decent suggestion). I was put into temporary foster care at 10 years old....didn't leave until I was unceremoniously kicked out of the system on my 18th birthday (was a long time ago now, things may have improved)

Apolloanddaphne · 13/01/2020 10:24

I am a social worker. You really can't just decide to put a child into foster care. It is not as simple as that as it costs a lot and each case has to be agreed by very senior SW staff. I would doubt they would agree to this without other solutions being tried first. I agree that Home start would be a great option for you. They provide invaluable support. There also may be other supports locally. ask your HV team or contactt SW and ask them what they can sign post you to. I hope you can find some solution.

ForInstance · 13/01/2020 10:24

I’m so sorry OP. I don’t have any knowledge or experience to offer but fwiw I really hope you get the support you and DD need. I have heard good things about Homestart too. You may well not be feeling together enough at the moment to get in contact, but do you have a good MP who could help speed up services for you?

Original poster
Idontknowwhat2do · 13/01/2020 10:26

I have a partner and he does his best to help but he works alot, long hours because we need the money. DDs dad isn't in the picture and his family refuse to acknowledge her existence.

OP posts:
Beseen19 · 13/01/2020 10:30

Call your HV. My friend was sectioned numerous times and her partner was really struggling trying to look after the kids, visit her every day with the kids and work full time. His work were amazing and they had family support but even so. They couldn't afford childcare as she has had to leave her job due to her health issues. The HV got emergency childcare in place while mummy was in hospital at a local nursery.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 13/01/2020 10:39

Do your partners family have much to do with your daughter? Is there anyone she could have a 'sleepover' with for a little while? Even if it's not someone you'd normally ask for help it may be better than foster care

sh13 · 13/01/2020 10:40

Could you try and ring health visitor and explain ? Do you have a crisis team to call tell them how serious it is? If you have any thoughts or intentions of hurting yourself or your daughter I think you should call 999, I hope that doesn’t offend you but the psychosis could cause it .

Rather than her going into care you’d be better off in a mother & baby unit. Does your partner know how awful your really feeling ?

I don’t judge you either you sound like a caring mum who wants the best for your daughter x

QueenOfOversharing · 13/01/2020 10:45

Not RTFT as popping out, but I would suggest you speak to SS or council early years... ant remember who we were under, but my DS was born with disability plus I had separated due to DV - we qualified for him to get nursery place full time (inc holidays) as he was classed as "vulnerable" - not on child protection or anything. It was really helpful for us.

QueenOfOversharing · 13/01/2020 10:46

Just did quick google for "vulnerable child nursery place" & found this www.barnet.gov.uk/sites/default/files/assets/workingwithchildren/uncategorised/EYVFInformationsheet.pdf

MyDcAreMarvel · 13/01/2020 10:52

I have a partner and he does his best to help but he works alot, long hours because we need the money.
You don’t need Monet as much as your dd needs to live at home. The best solution is day nursery and your partner to be at home the entire time your dd is at home. If ss won’t fund a nursery then your do needs to take un paid cares leave. Being on UC skint is better than your dd going into care.

karencantobe · 13/01/2020 11:42

Been on UC may not be the option. It may mean being homeless. Sadly many people do have to work while a partner is seriously ill.