To think it's ever ok to dislike your child?

[DarcieStarlight]

I don't just mean in certain moments when they are being nightmares and you just don't like them.
I mean all of the time.
Everything he does just annoys me, everything he says winds me up. He grates on my nerves every single day.
I sometimes just find myself tuning out when he's talking because he just irritates me.
I feel horrible. Like I've failed as his mother, it never used to be this way. At one point I remember he was my golden boy and everything he did I just adored. Can it ever go back to that?
For context, he's 14 and is not a well behaved kid, he's cheeky, rude, arrogant and is constantly in trouble at school and with the police. I feel like I've lost him down this road to nowhere and he's just on a slippery slope to a life of crime.
I've tried so hard with him over the years as a single mother but it was never enough for him.
These days I just don't like being around him full stop.
I actually cry at night when I'm on my own because I feel like every mother should at least like their own children. I do love him I just don't like him. Does anyone at all out there feel the same as me and can tell me that it can and will get better.
Any advice is really appreciated. No bashing please, I don't choose to feel this way.

Oh no! I'm the only one

My mother never liked me, though she loved me.

I always knew.

I don't know what the answer is but I know what it feels like to never be liked, and it isn't good. Is there any way you feel you can connect to him again?

You are not the only one. Fwiw 14 to 17 is a shitty age and i didnt like my dd at all at this time.
She went from being a quiet well behaved girl into a monster. In trouble at school, new (bad) friendship group, in trouble for handling stolen goods (friends again).
Nasty to me and happy when she made me cry.
I sympathise but tbh the only thing that worked was growing up, getting a job and getting older.
She s 26 now and works with adults with autism. She s a lovely girl again and looks back on that time in horror.
She has less friends these days but true and loyal ones.
I m a single parent too and I get it.

I’ve felt like this about my son and daughter at times too. They are also teenagers. I do think it id a stage. My son is older than yours and my dh and I despaired at how sullen and rude he was. We both disliked him but now at 17 he seems to be morphing into a decent human being. Hang in there, I think hormones, feeling like they are more grown than they are aids their behaviour. They are still children and don’t yet have the maturity to analyse their behaviour. It’s hard but he will mellow. Unfortunately it might be a few more years . The worse thing you can do is to wash your hands of him. Just remember you still love him and pick your battles.

This was my biggest fear that I just have to wait until he grows up. It feels a little better to know that it can and does happen to other mums.
His attitude is just awful. I've tried to reconnect so many times with him. I took him abroad just me and him and it was a terrible experience one I would never repeat. I try keeping him in, grounding him, taking his technology, stopping his spending money. I've tried doing movie nights, cinema trips, seaside days out, buying him things he wants, not buying him things he wants.
It just feels like it's a clash of personalities and I just don't like him in general. It pains me to say it but I dread him coming home. I feel there is an atmosphere whenever he's around and when he's out at school or on weekends he goes out with friends I feel like I can breathe finally.

Should add could you spend some time doing something he likes ? Cinema, theatre, bowling, restaurant, tickets to an event. Just the two of you whatever interests him really. I do this with my daughter and she’s (mostly) pleasant. I think it’s easy to forget they’re still kids at this stage. He’ll remember it and it will help further down the road for both of you.

I don’t like my DS 14 either. He refuses school, is lazy and entitled has been in trouble with the police etc.

He’s either out or asleep, practically lives with his gf and her mum (from fri-sun). He only calls me or speaks to me when he wants a lift, food or money.

I’ve also tried so hard to get him doing his school work, support him, always be there for him etc.

However unlike you I’ve now reached the point of detachment having gone through awful feelings you are now. I no longer have any expectation from him, unfortunately he’s pushed me so far I’ve switched off.

I love him but I just can’t be treated like this, I just hope he will learn from his mistakes and one day reconnect so we can be a family again.

Sorry posting clash.

@DoreenSamuel I'm really sorry to hear that. This is how I feel it will go with me and my son. That I'll just get to the point where I say enough is enough.
I feel for you! Do you no longer speak at all?

I didnt like my eldest much from 14-16. He soubds very much like your son

Hes 25 now and lovely again, has been for years

If you used the word teen instead of child in your title, you could have been talking for most people.
Teens are generally only acceptable to other teens.

And in answer to your first question, yes he will be your golden boy again.

Darcie I do try and speak to him but it’s clear he doesn’t want to talk to me. I always get grunts, one word answers, told to fuck off or he slams his door in my face.

Sometimes I feel positive and try and assure myself he’ll grow out of it, but most of the time I just long for him to be old enough to not live here anymore ☹️

OP, I don't think you've "failed as his mother" at all. You've clearly tried your best under very difficult circumstances. You love your son but he's not a little boy anymore, he's becoming a young man and that means his behaviour is harder to justify. When a small child behaves so badly that our patience is tested to the limit we tell ourselves "it's not their fault, they're little and still learning". At 14yo your DS is young and still learning but he's also making choices that he must realise will cause you distress. I think it's only natural to experience feelings of dislike when someone repeatedly disrespects you, brings trouble and worry to your door and shows no gratitude, whoever they are.

hmmmmmmmmm...does he like you? I think with both my kids the infatuation wore off around age 9.by which time,oddly enough,theyd branched out socially,became out of the house educated,developed tastes in things idc never heard of but was expected to finance. ... my oldest was a proffessional "team player"he knew exactly how to sway things so at worst it was an underlying almost fear of losing my baby.we got through it..cos hes reasonable...the wee one..is a battle.daily.i dread bedtime cos i know every a.m is a battle.the same shit show...im in process of finding a p.t whos willing to take us both on-i think our combined conflicting energy could be put to better use. dont know theres sense in that.or it'll help you any.other than if you dont like it,change it.life is short

Some teens can be hard to like at times - try not to give up on him - it's likely he will grow out of this, but it may take sometime.

My son was like this from 14 - 17.

I really disliked him and we came sooooo close to throwing him out.

Very glad we persevered. He has grown into a very nice man indeed (and does totally get what a fucking nightmare he was)

Thank you for the replies. I feel better knowing I'm not alone to be honest. I just hope and pray he grows out of this.
In response I do love him yes, I feel very protective over him even when he's done wrong and bad things I still don't like others saying bad things about him. I jump into lioness mode and fight his corner.

YANBU - there’s all kinds of conflicting emotions when parenting teenagers. Don’t be hard on yourself

My mum didnt ever like me. She was negligent and abusive as well though, or maybe because she didnt like me. I dont know. I've cut contact with her.
Can you tell him you find his current behaviour difficult, you look forward to him figuring things out? Does he talk to you? Teenagers do need to pull away that bit is normal if you were close you might hopefully be able to get back to something.

BTW I think you're light years ahead of my mother. You love him. It's difficult to want the best for someone when they want to go their own way.

Pick a time when he's being well behaved and tell him simply that you love him very much.

He probably knows you don't like him, and it probably cuts him very deeply, which is why he's acting so badly. Remind him as often as you can that you love him; ask him if he'd like to go out and do something nice with you. Keep telling him you love him. It'll sink in, and no matter what happens, you won't lose him.

I hope things work out for you both, it sounds very difficult.

I can relate to this, my oldest boy is 12 (early 13) and I find him very difficult and often feel that I don't like him. I can imagine getting to a point where I'm at the end of the road and tonight my DH has gone to work after having a row about him. He wouldn't get ready for his football match this morning, I told him off then switched his xbox off when he still wasn't getting ready. He got really angry and pushed me. I then banned him from his xbox for the rest of today, he snuck on it (I had stupidly mot took the leads (he had unbeknown to me hidden them). our younger boy told us and DH then said he could go on for half an hour cause he wanted some peace before work. I then had a complete fit on him for undermining me and he retracted this. Over the last couple of years we have had lots of rudeness, some school refusal, a bit of aggression. Have had to get outside help ad liaise with school. I know people have to cope with far worse but have really struggled and been on ADs cause of this, off them now cause I am desperate to lose some weight. Whole thing makes me so angry, I'm sure our generation didn't dare to behave like this. DH just wishes we could get so hard and upsetting. There's also the feeling that everyone else gets to enjoy family time and enjoys being a Mum, soul-destroying. Sorry for thread hijack, just didn't want you to think you are on your own. In an ideal world, don't thin it is ok to dislike your child but pretty sure we are not on our own. I certainly remember feeling that my Mum had patches where she didn't like me and I didn't ever behave nearly as badly as my Son. I feel your pain, so don't want to reach the end of the line and give up

Do you jump at the school, police etc?