To think it's ever ok to dislike your child?

[DarcieStarlight]

I don't just mean in certain moments when they are being nightmares and you just don't like them.
I mean all of the time.
Everything he does just annoys me, everything he says winds me up. He grates on my nerves every single day.
I sometimes just find myself tuning out when he's talking because he just irritates me.
I feel horrible. Like I've failed as his mother, it never used to be this way. At one point I remember he was my golden boy and everything he did I just adored. Can it ever go back to that?
For context, he's 14 and is not a well behaved kid, he's cheeky, rude, arrogant and is constantly in trouble at school and with the police. I feel like I've lost him down this road to nowhere and he's just on a slippery slope to a life of crime.
I've tried so hard with him over the years as a single mother but it was never enough for him.
These days I just don't like being around him full stop.
I actually cry at night when I'm on my own because I feel like every mother should at least like their own children. I do love him I just don't like him. Does anyone at all out there feel the same as me and can tell me that it can and will get better.
Any advice is really appreciated. No bashing please, I don't choose to feel this way.

Its hard having children.
My dd got involved in drugs and had a partner who I hated.
Something terrible happened when they were visiting my mum in her care home. I was devastated and felt as if i had failed as a mum, I was also mortified.
Hopefully your relationship with your son improves soon op.

I think it’s very very common for the parents of teenagers to feel like this.

Teenagers can be absolute arseholes.

Maybe go on the parenting teenagers board - you’ll find lots of people on there in similar situations who can hopefully offer advice and support.

Not yet though they are not teenagers.
My DM hated me as a teenager I don't blame her, thankfully I wasn't in trouble with police so I grew out of it eventually.
She loved again from 21.
It must be shit OP.
Sorry I don't have advice on changing it.

I'm pretty sure my mum and dad borderline hated me when I was a teenager,I was vile.Ive made it up to them in adulthood but it was hard on them at the time.Dont feel bad if hes doing shitty things your not being unreasonable not liking him for it

I truly get it. I've been there with my dd between the ages of 13-17.
It was a horrendous time for both of us. She was just so unpleasant and caused me so much stress that I really struggled to like her. Every time she was in the house it was like we were all walking on eggshells and the atmosphere was horrible. I loved her dearly as my daughter but it was bliss when she wasn't there and I felt terrible guilt for even thinking that way.
Now she's 20 and turned out to be a fantastic young woman, I couldn't be more proud of her, she's my best friend.
I was very surprised one day when she actually apologised for her behaviour as a teen.
I'm sorry you're going through this at the moment, the only thing that really got me through every day was telling myself 'this can't last forever' and it didn't.
I hope you have real life support because it really is a stressful time.

I have moments , and then after hellish day I lay In Bed chatting for an hour and he
Made me laugh and I remembered why I liked them again , and the love is always there

I am glad as had a day of hell behaviour today

I think it’s massively worth trying to find some common ground . I don’t know your son and what he likes , but maybe start a diary and try and have minimum one moment a day when you connect about something ? Could be a book a TV show , something you can both enjoy

It’s very very hard and you have my sympathies , but keep trying to connect

I feel bad now because I struggle like this with DS1 and always have he's only 9. I struggle to cope with his behaviours (IMO he exemplifies everything I dislike in DH and DFIL, in terms of persistent boundary testing) and I'm sure he knows I prefer his brother. I do try to fight it, spend time with him etc, but it's a plaster. I think we both know it.

I am just hoping that if I am consistently fair and treat him with respect and decency (whilst not being a pushover), he will eventually be able to look back and remember that. Maybe we'll get on better as adults. I hope some of that is useful and that your situation improves

I worry this will be me. I often feel this way and my DD is only 4! We just don't "click" and never have. I was in denial about this until I had my second child and things were so obviously different/easier with DD2 that I couldn't lie to myself anymore. I try desperately to hide it, overcompensate probably, but I just find her personality such hard work... I hope this changes in time

''I'm sure he knows I prefer his brother.''

I am sorry @ContessaferJones but that's an awful thing to say, your kid is 9 and you say you have pretty much never liked him and you know he is aware of it. It's awful.

I usually don't shame parents but whatever your son is doing to make you dislike him and prefer his sibling, he is 9 and you need to give your head a wobble and go the extra mile to connect with him.

OP, I grew up with a mother who maybe loved me (not that I ever felt it) but didn't like me, it's horrible and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I don't blame you for not always liking your son when he misbehaves and treats you/people poorly, I think it's a natural reaction but I think you need to make an effort to try and connect with him even when it's hard. My mother gave up on me as soon as I started misbehaving/not behaving like the daughter she had imagined and it was incredibly damaging for me, it was as if her love was limited and dependent on me fitting her ''perfect daughter'' mental image. I was misbehaving for various reason (including PTSD from sexual assault as a child and later teen) and the obvious detachment from my mother only made it worse. Now, I have calmed down, dealt with the trauma but I am no contact with my mother. Teenagers, as easily to hate as they can be, probably need you most. I will never be able to forgive my mother for ultimately giving up on me when I needed her most.

I have no idea what she thinks of my life now, though in comparison to all of my siblings I am the one who has turned out the most successful, but I hope that if she is proud, she doesn't dare take any credit for it. She doesn't get to disconnect during the bad parts of my life yet take credit for the young woman I now am. Yet I see way too many parents do this, give up on their child for a few years when it gets hard and then somehow re-appear and take credit when years down the line their kids pulled through and now do well like it's somehow thanks to their amazing parenting skills.

I am not proud of some of my behavior as a teenager but I wish my mom had tried harder to stay connected to me, as annoying as I may have been, it would have made a world of difference to me (and our relationship). It's also much easier to continue with auto-destructive behaviors when you know your people have given up on you.

Hopefully he'll survive these years without going to jail or heading for addiction.
It is a tough time for teens.
On the thread if money was no problem, A poster said they'd employ a counsellor for the teenagers to get through it.
Adolescents is one if not the most stressful times in life.

@ContessaferJones You need therapy to work through them feelings if he is only 9.
With a teenager you reap what you sow. This boy will be confused hurt rejected and hormonal a scary mix.

@Linning I gave your post a second read.
I will be keeping it in mind on the days preteen DD irritates me and for when she is a teen doing bad stuff.
OP make sure you tell him it is his behaviour you don't like not his person.
Tell him you really love him but dislike how he is acting, reassure him you'll be here.

@EmeraldShamrock

Please do, ultimately we don't hold babies/toddlers accountable for misbehaving, teenagers aren't the same of course, but toddlers/babies misbehave/scream because they are frustrated or have needs but don't know how to properly express them, it's the same with teenagers.

I had so much anger/pain as a teenager, I didn't always express it in the appropriate way but teenagers go through all those hormones and aren't fully wired yet to channel their emotion/feelings in a productive let alone mature way. I definitely wasn't but then again, nobody is always ever ready to face and deal properly with some things life throw at them.

I think I would have benefited from therapy (and learning to talk about my problems, express them in a different way than anger/ lashing out) as an early teen, I had therapy eventually but I did it in those years and not much later.

I think most of us have pushed boundaries at some point in our lives and I think we all benefited from not being reduced to the mistake we have made like some sort of permanent tattoo.

I don't think people who get frustrated/angry at their child's attitude and behavior are failing but I definitely feel like parents who give up on their kids when it gets hard are failing them. I definitely feel like parents who have decided that their 4, 9 or else yo kid is naturally ''unlikeable'' are massively failing them and setting them up for a life of low self-esteem, no matter how well they think they are hiding it (you can't fully hide those things) same with parents who seem to only cope with kids who are ''easy'' and yet seem to have convinced themselves it's totally normal.

I think if my mother had been less focused on the behavior and how much she disliked me/it and how much she had sacrificed to raise me for me ''turn out that way'' she would have maybe tried and digged the reason why I was misbehaving and feeling that way, and maybe she would have understood that it wasn't about her (well not fully anyway). OP, you are a single mother and no doubt it's been hard, and no doubt this situation is likely awful for you, but maybe your son is misbehaving/acting out because of the fact that he didn't have a father/other deep things that may have looked liked he was dealing fine with in his earlier years but is finally coming out now that he is older and having a hard time dealing with.

Separate from my sexual abuse, a lot of my childhood trauma/not having a father, came out during my teenage years. Until then anybody would have thought I had been fine with it because it had (almost) always been the status quo. Teenage years bring out the worst in you, including deeply buried things you never imagined would come up. So I would look into family therapy, so maybe you can learn to connect again or at least speak to each other in a neutral space.

I love my D's (13) but I don't like him. He had his playstation removed in summer for ignoring repeated warnings about his behaviour. He is still, even now, harassing me to get it back. Sometimes he refuses school and it costs me about £7 to get him there in a taxi. Won't do homework, it has to be enforced at school. No interest in revision or his own future despite being in bottom sets. He's had a lot of help from school since reception and doesn't seem to appreciate it. He leaves me feeling mentally and physically exhausted.

You're not alone. I'd go as far as to say I hated my son at one point. I never said it to him but he was so bloody awful. He lives with his dad now and we get on much better now he is older. I still feel like a failure even though he's turned out quite lovely now.

@Linning You've made it. You worked it out although it was the hard way.
Give yourself credit for your strength.

It's surely normal when they are going through a bad stage to think I do not like the way you are right now. As you love him there's no massive thing wrong with you. I think family is complex. My mum for example. I love her and it will break my heart when she dies. But I don't like many things about her. For example she has a huge emotional block. She doesn't cry, she can't sympathise with things that others do. She has massively failed her kids emotionally. I often listen to her and think I don't like how you see things. For example she can't get her head around the grief for a miscarriage or even a baby dying before full term. She thinks you just have to move on. She judges boys with long hair. She doesn't understand autism. She thinks you should abort babies who have things wrong. It's been hard over the years to like her at times. I often think if she wasnt my mum I wouldn't mix with her. But she also kept me Alive and I do love her. She has some good pointers too. I go through stages where I'm so irritated by her then I like her. Weirdly I like her more face to face than I do on the phone or in messages.

With your son it sounds like he's being a rebellious teenager. I don't blame you for feeling this way. It's so much harder to control him at this age. I think all you can do is guide him, keep reminding him of his behaviour. Middle through it. You will get the like back. In ten years he might be a dad or a grafter. He probably will change his ways way before then. It's so hard these days. I'm dreading mine being this age. The way things are have changed so much. I'm 31 and phones were only just coming in when I was his age. They didn't have cameras. Social media didn't exist. Kids are getting more and more cocky and disrespectful. I've given my almost five year old alot more than I I had in terms of closeness. I hug her. I talk to her. I snuggle with her and a story. I try and keep her wardrobe stocked up trendy as my mum never put much effort in. I've given her more life experience as my mum did the minimum with me. Things like swimming, cinema and lots of walks together. My mum never did. The result. My daughter is quite cheeky and she doesn't always listen. She often is a battle axe. It upsets me because I've tried to mould her to be kind and polite. She definitely is in many ways. But I see this spoilt streak in her. Ive caused it I guess by giving her too much at times. But I did it out of love. Kids don't come with Instructions. We just have to muddle through the shitty parts x

Fuzzyhair
Your daughter isn’t yet five. It’s too early to give up, having “spoiled” her. You have plenty of time to establish boundaries and teach her to have respect and listen to you, and you don’t have to be a dictator or cold-mannered towards her, to do it. It’s perfectly alright to want to give your child lovely experiences, to cuddle her and be close with her, to want her to have nice clothes and toys. That isn’t spoiling, that’s just wanting the best for your child. But don’t be afraid to be firm with her, to get her to tidy her toys, help with little jobs around the house, etc. You’re her parent, so don’t think you have to treat her like a friend you always want to keep in side. She’s little, and needs these boundaries and needs to see that a relationship is a two-way thing, in that you deserve to be treated properly too.

OP, I really hope things work out for you. My niece was a horror as a teenager but is a lovely young woman today who can’t believe how poorly behaved she was as a teenager. It’s good that you can distinguish between loving your child but not liking how he is behaving at the moment. Teenage years can be such a challenging time and they all react differently.

Onside!

To those who have commented - I know I need to work on it. My own mother didn't like me very much and I knew it. However, I think she did feel bad about it later on and try to make amends. We never really got on but I remember the efforts she made and it makes me feel a bit better. My son is still small and I do try with him, every day. He's just... unrelentingly demanding. It is hard, when one child constantly demands effort and the other is relatively content to just sit with you, not to have a preference. I am trying though.