AIBU to think I shouldn't be going to their house

[Metaplasia]

This is going to be long, sorry!

A bit of background: DH has form for trying to force things a bit between me and his kids. Mostly when we first got together but it still happens a bit (together 5 years now) It's always with the best intentions but things like telling them to hug me goodbye (I'd prefer to let them decide they want to when they are ready) organising the day so that I end up being there when he drops them back home (stood in the doorway like a lost dog not knowing what to do) and trying to get me to meet the mum to pick the kids up if he is busy. Some of these things are fine (I am now happy to meet the mum to collect the kids, the first time was a bit awkward but we managed)

We went over to their house for one of the kids birthdays and it was awkward and uncomfortable, they were polite but tbh they weren't that arsed, and it seemed like the only person who wanted me to be there was DH.

So as not to drip feed - things with the mum were very difficult in the first couple of years and I stayed out of it as much as possible. Things have settled now and we all get along OK, she will collect the kids from me if DH is out etc. To be clear, I adore the children, they're wonderful, kind, funny kids and lovely to be around, and they and my child get along very well. I enjoy having them over when they come to stay.

Today he's gone over to see them and asked if I wanted to come. When they come to us, I am an extra, they're here to see their dad, not me. I get involved with things and we do family days out and I play with them etc, but AIBU to think I shouldn't be inserting myself into their home life like that? He doesn't even ask the mum if it's ok, just turns up with me there and it's awkward and I feel like I'm intruding. I didn't like my stepmum much and I just wanted her to back off. I don't want that for them, so am I just projecting? Or am I right to 'know my place'?

I think you're projecting and need to try to relax.

Yanbu. He cannot in its you to his ex's house FFS! It's not his to invite anyone. Stick to your own sense of what's appropriate, he needs to recalibrate, not you.

Invite, not in its. Sorry

I think you should talk to their Mum about this, and see what she thinks.

Why aren't you taking control over what you're doing? If you aren't comfortable going to her home, don't go. I'm finding it hard to understand why there is even a problem. Your husband can't force you to do anything you don't want to.

It’s strange to bring you uninvited to his ex house.

You sound really kind and self aware.

I’d have a word with the mum and see what she thinks.

@Aquamarine1029 he gave me the impression I was being irrational due to my own stepmum issues so I thought I should just suck it up. I don't know what's normal it's my first time step-parenting

Asking the mum is a good idea, such an obvious solution, can't believe that didn't cross my mind before ha!

He wants you to go to his ex’s house with him, uninvited?
He’s an idiot.

Why is he going to his ex's house? We don't invite each other round for socials, strictly pickups only

Going to the ex’s house uninvited is inappropriate, even if you weren’t the ow. Awks! Do what you’re comfortable with, OP, not what your DP wants you to do. Presumably your child lives with you so he’s maybe thinking his dc should be as close to you as yours is to him?

Is there any chance he is being pushy to ensure you dont feel excluded..sounds like hes a bit of a perfectionist but maybe his heart is in the right place...as suggested i would have a chat with mum

Yanbu.
You give the perfect balance.
He probably thinks he is excluding you. Reassure him things are good the way they are so he can stop it.

So he's inviting you into his ex's home and the ex doesn't seem pleased for you to be there? YANBU that sounds unreasonable of him. Better to build bonds with the kids when they're with you and you're all off on days out etc.

I think there are very few people in your position who would want to go, uninvited, to the ex's house. And very few exes who would want you there.

Yes I think so @Louise91417, he is a really sweet, caring man. Living in a blended family utopia where everyone puts their differences aside for the sake of the children is a nice idea, but quite unrealistic!

@reallyrandomwords because it isn't our weekend to have them, one of them has been a bit poorly this week so he was popping in to see how they are. It's what he did before he had his own place when they split up so it's just become a normal thing I guess

@FullOfJellyBeans @Leeds2 Right?! I was shocked she's been so civil to be honest. She looked surprised but didn't say anything.

I think yanbu. If a child has been ill then yes, it is great to see him dropping by, though hopefully checking first, to see how things are. Very important for that child to feel valued in that way. Enough children with an nrp don't get that, I have two for eg. But then to crowd them with a visit would be a bit much! For you, a bit of fuss/ glad to see your better towards the child would be the right thing.
He's definitely doing the right thing for HIS relationship with his children but he needs to acknowledge yours is naturally on a different footing.

I mean your input will be the next time you see the child at your house then you would, naturally, make a mini fuss or say you're glad they are better. Excepting of course a child going into hospital. But then definitely taking the lead from the resident parent!! (I hope that isn't the case and this child had something not dramatic).

I had this issue with my XH. He was so desperate for the DC and OW to play happy families that he forced the DC to be around her.

They weren't happy and despite asking him to see him without her present, he refused. Of course he wouldn't take any notice of me!

Fast forward a couple of years and ds2 is still very affected by that. The OW is actually very pleasant and good with them, but it needed to come naturally.

I feel if it had developed at the DC pace then ds2 wouldn't have struggled as much.

So l think your concerns are completely valid. Your partner is very rude and disrespectful towards his EX inviting others to her home - no matter who it is.

He doesn't even ask the mum if it's ok

That's outrageous.
You know you are perfectly able to say "no thanks, I'll look forward to having time with them when they're with us", don't you?

he is a really sweet, caring man. Living in a blended family utopia where everyone puts their differences aside for the sake of the children is a nice idea which your DH sweetly, caringly, thrusts upon other people without even asking them if they feel the same way.

Stop allowing him to control the narrative & circumstances. You are perfectly capable of defining your own role.

I'd say after 5 years (long time for a child), you're okay and no longer "intruding".

he gave me the impression I was being irrational due to my own stepmum issues

& did he give you that impression sweetly & caringly, OP, while he informed you that you have "issues" merely for disagreeing with him? While he tells you that your perfectly valid & reasonable objection to his plan is "irrational"?

Does he have form for dismissing your feelings & imposing his own at the expense of your, OP?

YANBU at all and his utopia takes no consideration of real people’s real feelings which makes him thoughtless at best and selfish at worst.

Respect your own boundaries, which are entirely and healthy and normal.