AIBU to think I shouldn't be going to their house

[Metaplasia]

This is going to be long, sorry!

A bit of background: DH has form for trying to force things a bit between me and his kids. Mostly when we first got together but it still happens a bit (together 5 years now) It's always with the best intentions but things like telling them to hug me goodbye (I'd prefer to let them decide they want to when they are ready) organising the day so that I end up being there when he drops them back home (stood in the doorway like a lost dog not knowing what to do) and trying to get me to meet the mum to pick the kids up if he is busy. Some of these things are fine (I am now happy to meet the mum to collect the kids, the first time was a bit awkward but we managed)

We went over to their house for one of the kids birthdays and it was awkward and uncomfortable, they were polite but tbh they weren't that arsed, and it seemed like the only person who wanted me to be there was DH.

So as not to drip feed - things with the mum were very difficult in the first couple of years and I stayed out of it as much as possible. Things have settled now and we all get along OK, she will collect the kids from me if DH is out etc. To be clear, I adore the children, they're wonderful, kind, funny kids and lovely to be around, and they and my child get along very well. I enjoy having them over when they come to stay.

Today he's gone over to see them and asked if I wanted to come. When they come to us, I am an extra, they're here to see their dad, not me. I get involved with things and we do family days out and I play with them etc, but AIBU to think I shouldn't be inserting myself into their home life like that? He doesn't even ask the mum if it's ok, just turns up with me there and it's awkward and I feel like I'm intruding. I didn't like my stepmum much and I just wanted her to back off. I don't want that for them, so am I just projecting? Or am I right to 'know my place'?

I don't know what's normal it's my first time step-parenting

Presumably it's also his first time step-parenting YOUR child?
So he doesn't know what's normal either. Sadly that doesn't seem to have given him any pause for thought while he dictates to you what normal looks like, tells you that you are irrational for not complying with those dictates, & says you have "issues" as you are a step-parent.

What about his own issues with being a step-parent?
How is it that only HIS notion of what constitues a 'normal' blended family are the correct ones?

YANBU at all and his utopia takes no consideration of real people’s real feelings which makes him thoughtless at best and selfish at worst

Precisely, @AnneLovesGilbert.

I wonder if underneath his much-vaunted sweetness & caring, he is "Mr Sensitive"? - he is so damn focused on making OP do his bidding, & so convinced that only his way is the right way, & doesn;t appear to give a solitary shit how awkward he is making OP feel -
www.muchnessmama.com/profile-of-an-abuser-mr-sensitive/

@messolini9 no he didn't say I had issues or was irrational. That's what I thought for myself, based on him saying it would be nice if we could all get along etc and that maybe I was comparing it to my own experience and this was different.

I've been allowing him to control the narrative because they are his children? I've been following his lead and just thought that me going round there was a bit of a step too far. I've had some good advice here and will be standing by what I think and feel a bit more from now on.

You sound very considerate OP! I'm not sure asking the mum is the best idea, since if she's a polite person she can't really say much except "it's fine" even though she might privately think it's a bit awkward (even if you and she get on fine). So I'd probably follow your instincts!

Would he go round to your child’s fathers house and play happy families?

@messolini9 no he didn't say I had issues or was irrational

You really are a considerate & kind person Metaplasia.
You are still excusing his behaviours - look at the post I picked those words from, where you say that he gave you the impression that you were irrational / have issues.

I've been allowing him to control the narrative because they are his children?
Erm ... you are also allowed your own narriative, about your won stepchildren!

I've been following his lead and just thought that me going round there was a bit of a step too far. I've had some good advice here and will be standing by what I think and feel a bit more from now on.
You're right, & it's great you are going to focus more energy on listening to your own instincts here.

I am interested though ... does he "follow your lead" about YOUR own child? Or does he like to think he knows best there, too?

I'm not saying he's some kind of monster! - Just that "sweet & caring" can still go hand in hand with the standard male entitlement to decision-making authority.

You are being thoughtful. That’s so nice to hear. Speaking as a child whose parents split up there is nothing worse than not seeing your dad on your own without the stepmum there ever. It’s so unfair. So giving them dad+dc time alone together is great. They will appreciate their dad and also on the other times they see you together they will appreciate you too.

It would be thoughtful to ask the mum. I don’t know if, as someone else said, she would be able to say anything like ‘yeah it does bother me please stop coming’ without seeming bitchy but presumably she will appreciate you asking. You don’t know if she has already said to him not to bring his gf by and he’s ignored her. Or maybe she’s delighted to see you as it gives her the chance to speak with you if she has any child related issues she wants to mention to you both.

I think you going to his ex's house is weird!

I think after that there should be a good mix of ch and dad time, and you join in here and there.

I am in the same position as the dc’s mum and tbh it doesn’t bother me at all if ex brings his new gf over to see the kids (it doesn’t happen often as he doesn’t see them often), I have no hard feelings towards him and none towards her, she has been in my house a few times, invited and uninvited. Ex dh is always awkward around me but she isn’t.

Ask her if it’s ok? She probably doesn’t care if you come or not as long as the kids are happy.

Yes he follows my lead with my own child, will give me advice if I ask and if we disagree it's never in front of the kids, we talk about it later. He's a good person, just lets his heart rule his head when it comes to his kids sometimes.

Neither of us would go to my child's dad's house but that's because he's a cunt and I can't stand the sight of him 😂

If it comes up again I'll have a word with her