I am posting here for traffic, This is going to be so long so I doubt I will get many responses, sorry in advance!!!! I have also commented on other threads so my story may be familiar and outing but I don't think my situation could get worse so....
Been with dh coming up to our 10 year anniversary but married for 3 years, 2 children, we are early 30s. Over the years we have both worked but have had some awfully skint times due to low wages, maternity leave, self employment work dryness! Husband has never been great with money, I suppose in the younger years we were both naiive so it wasn't such a problem but he would gamble and once took out against my will for what he said was 10 grand but it was actually 18 grand car finance, this was around 6years ago and the car broke and he had to give it back and ended up with years worth of debt that was actually written off around 4 months ago for 7 grand, it was such a relief! Anyway that's all in the past so I can't hold that against him. We ended up going on a break 2 years ago because the strain of being so skint got to us, his wage would never be what it was supposed to be, not always his fault as he was self employed but when he did get paid sometimes he would owe friends money, he is very Rob Peter to pay Paul, think of the now and not the consequences, bad money management and If I had money in a drawer I couldn't just leave it there as he would help himself, this was all years ago now and he has changed slightly. Over the years he's never been good at getting up, I understand he would want a lie in from tiredness at work at the weekend and we would take it In turns but sometimes he would be up at like 2 or 3 in the afternoon and I'd feel like a single parent, if I was at work dinner wasnt always ready for me although I would say I didn't fancy it sometimes, this sometimes feeling like he wasn't pulling his weight alot would lead me to not really being affectionate or making him feel loved and hardly any sex although it was at least once a week because i felt like I did most things around the house and then have to please my husband with not alot in return, where was the balance.
Now we actually love eachother soooo much, from the outside we look like the perfect family. We claimed some slight universal credits and due to him being so bad with money he would get a set allowance each month purely for himself, it would say online on universal credits what he had earned but he would confuse me and say he earnt much less than that even though it was staring me in the face of what he had got, so it turns out he had been keeping some money back to try and save for us, fair enough I thought I would give him a chance but then true to form he frazzled over a grand away.
We decided to move into his parents house a couple of months ago to save for a year for a house deposit as our rent and bills were so high, they let us live there for free, we were in a back room. Husband had smoked weed which I hate over the years away from us and the kids and over the months I never knew what is wage really was because he would lie about it and not show me his account as he'd owe money out for weed and the amount of financial silly lies I put up with was horrible but then it was nothing like huge credit cards just a few hundred each month, say there was 200 I put in the wardrobe to save he would say he had lent it to a friend at work and he would say he will give it me back to live on and then it would turn out he had made the whole thing up and just spent it etc and he said he was always scared to tell me because of how I react.
We managed to save around a thousand a month at his mums for a couple of months but I said if he lies anymore or speaks to me bad again I would leave so then another white lie happened about money a week ago so I got up took my rings off something that hurts him and I shouldn't have done it and left but I never thought it would come to actually getting divorced. In the last weeks he had stopped smoking weed, promised to stop lying and just try harder I feel like he was turning his life around and I've walked out just as it was getting good! The whole week he has thrown it in my face that I was the one who walked out and did this, I have felt awful even though I walked out due to his lies over the years and financial infedility! His mum and dad would always warn and say stop lying else you will end up on your own! I would have done everything to keep the marriage and family together even considered putting up with the lies so that the kids can have us together and the thought of splitting and not buying a house and not having family holidays was awful. I am now sleeping on an airbed at my mums house, sharing a bedroom with my sister with no marriage and no house, I've lost almost everything! His parents always picked the kids up from school while I worked so I don't see why this would change but I've had to pick them up on my lunch break from school to drop them to dh and his parents house and usually dh finishes work 10 mins later so he can have them and it's not straining his parents but he finished work an hour later the other day and he said his mum and dad were moaning about having my kids, their grandkids because they feel we have took the piss splitting up when they let us live there!! What has that got to do with my poor kids and them helping? They also have custody of another grandchild full time but begrudge having mine for 1 hour???
So after a week of me being on the floor distraught and husband sticking up for his mum saying how upset she is and how we have been bad after they gave up their house and him digging the knife in pushing through and stating how I've done this and we are breaking up he rings me to say that he is thinking of getting a car finance again and what's my opinion on if its a good deal, its £280 a month! I was upset and said obviously if he goes ahead it would rule out completely us getting together because we would be going back to financial shit every month again plus that could go towards a house deposit and he is making stupid money decisions as always the reason I left! But he went ahead and said he needs to be happy and what about what he wants.
So yesterday he has a complete u-turn and rings me saying he misses me and wants us to get back together, the car finance would be covered by his pay rise that he is getting and we could move back to his mums but we arent allowed any cupboard space now and have to live out of one bag and I need to apologise to his parents for any arguments me and dh had when we lived there. Now it's like dh has got his car and wants us all back? Only our wages will have a bug chunk taken for this car we only earn less than 30k joint! He justifies it by saying his payrise will cover it and I just feel like I have to put up and shut up but maybe he's right maybe I am stopping our family being together for his car when we could all be happy again but I feel like he's got what he wants and it's at our expense. I feel torn that he hasn't exactly racked up 20grands worth of debt on credit cards and we were saving money each month so what's my problem? He has lied over years/months about his wage due to him pankickign and having to cover up money he owes and getting a mess. He's like a child and immature but he loves us so much and if I just put up and shutup I could keep the family togetherxi suppose very one would be happy apart from me but I'm definately not happier without him I have nothing, waiting to go on a council list homeless!!
Please can someone advise what would you do??? Am I being selfish and risking my whole family life for the sake of a car?? Please just tell me! The pain of telling him I don't want that life was awful yday I felt so guilty to him and we could go back to normal and my kids be happy although we would be financially set back and we would never get a house now anyway due to his car finance and outgoings!! Help I'm so torn!!