Marriage Breakup

[Notwhatiexpected1]

I am posting here for traffic, This is going to be so long so I doubt I will get many responses, sorry in advance!!!! I have also commented on other threads so my story may be familiar and outing but I don't think my situation could get worse so....

Been with dh coming up to our 10 year anniversary but married for 3 years, 2 children, we are early 30s. Over the years we have both worked but have had some awfully skint times due to low wages, maternity leave, self employment work dryness! Husband has never been great with money, I suppose in the younger years we were both naiive so it wasn't such a problem but he would gamble and once took out against my will for what he said was 10 grand but it was actually 18 grand car finance, this was around 6years ago and the car broke and he had to give it back and ended up with years worth of debt that was actually written off around 4 months ago for 7 grand, it was such a relief! Anyway that's all in the past so I can't hold that against him. We ended up going on a break 2 years ago because the strain of being so skint got to us, his wage would never be what it was supposed to be, not always his fault as he was self employed but when he did get paid sometimes he would owe friends money, he is very Rob Peter to pay Paul, think of the now and not the consequences, bad money management and If I had money in a drawer I couldn't just leave it there as he would help himself, this was all years ago now and he has changed slightly. Over the years he's never been good at getting up, I understand he would want a lie in from tiredness at work at the weekend and we would take it In turns but sometimes he would be up at like 2 or 3 in the afternoon and I'd feel like a single parent, if I was at work dinner wasnt always ready for me although I would say I didn't fancy it sometimes, this sometimes feeling like he wasn't pulling his weight alot would lead me to not really being affectionate or making him feel loved and hardly any sex although it was at least once a week because i felt like I did most things around the house and then have to please my husband with not alot in return, where was the balance.

Now we actually love eachother soooo much, from the outside we look like the perfect family. We claimed some slight universal credits and due to him being so bad with money he would get a set allowance each month purely for himself, it would say online on universal credits what he had earned but he would confuse me and say he earnt much less than that even though it was staring me in the face of what he had got, so it turns out he had been keeping some money back to try and save for us, fair enough I thought I would give him a chance but then true to form he frazzled over a grand away.

We decided to move into his parents house a couple of months ago to save for a year for a house deposit as our rent and bills were so high, they let us live there for free, we were in a back room. Husband had smoked weed which I hate over the years away from us and the kids and over the months I never knew what is wage really was because he would lie about it and not show me his account as he'd owe money out for weed and the amount of financial silly lies I put up with was horrible but then it was nothing like huge credit cards just a few hundred each month, say there was 200 I put in the wardrobe to save he would say he had lent it to a friend at work and he would say he will give it me back to live on and then it would turn out he had made the whole thing up and just spent it etc and he said he was always scared to tell me because of how I react.

We managed to save around a thousand a month at his mums for a couple of months but I said if he lies anymore or speaks to me bad again I would leave so then another white lie happened about money a week ago so I got up took my rings off something that hurts him and I shouldn't have done it and left but I never thought it would come to actually getting divorced. In the last weeks he had stopped smoking weed, promised to stop lying and just try harder I feel like he was turning his life around and I've walked out just as it was getting good! The whole week he has thrown it in my face that I was the one who walked out and did this, I have felt awful even though I walked out due to his lies over the years and financial infedility! His mum and dad would always warn and say stop lying else you will end up on your own! I would have done everything to keep the marriage and family together even considered putting up with the lies so that the kids can have us together and the thought of splitting and not buying a house and not having family holidays was awful. I am now sleeping on an airbed at my mums house, sharing a bedroom with my sister with no marriage and no house, I've lost almost everything! His parents always picked the kids up from school while I worked so I don't see why this would change but I've had to pick them up on my lunch break from school to drop them to dh and his parents house and usually dh finishes work 10 mins later so he can have them and it's not straining his parents but he finished work an hour later the other day and he said his mum and dad were moaning about having my kids, their grandkids because they feel we have took the piss splitting up when they let us live there!! What has that got to do with my poor kids and them helping? They also have custody of another grandchild full time but begrudge having mine for 1 hour???

So after a week of me being on the floor distraught and husband sticking up for his mum saying how upset she is and how we have been bad after they gave up their house and him digging the knife in pushing through and stating how I've done this and we are breaking up he rings me to say that he is thinking of getting a car finance again and what's my opinion on if its a good deal, its £280 a month! I was upset and said obviously if he goes ahead it would rule out completely us getting together because we would be going back to financial shit every month again plus that could go towards a house deposit and he is making stupid money decisions as always the reason I left! But he went ahead and said he needs to be happy and what about what he wants.

So yesterday he has a complete u-turn and rings me saying he misses me and wants us to get back together, the car finance would be covered by his pay rise that he is getting and we could move back to his mums but we arent allowed any cupboard space now and have to live out of one bag and I need to apologise to his parents for any arguments me and dh had when we lived there. Now it's like dh has got his car and wants us all back? Only our wages will have a bug chunk taken for this car we only earn less than 30k joint! He justifies it by saying his payrise will cover it and I just feel like I have to put up and shut up but maybe he's right maybe I am stopping our family being together for his car when we could all be happy again but I feel like he's got what he wants and it's at our expense. I feel torn that he hasn't exactly racked up 20grands worth of debt on credit cards and we were saving money each month so what's my problem? He has lied over years/months about his wage due to him pankickign and having to cover up money he owes and getting a mess. He's like a child and immature but he loves us so much and if I just put up and shutup I could keep the family togetherxi suppose very one would be happy apart from me but I'm definately not happier without him I have nothing, waiting to go on a council list homeless!!

Please can someone advise what would you do??? Am I being selfish and risking my whole family life for the sake of a car?? Please just tell me! The pain of telling him I don't want that life was awful yday I felt so guilty to him and we could go back to normal and my kids be happy although we would be financially set back and we would never get a house now anyway due to his car finance and outgoings!! Help I'm so torn!!

I'm not sure how he got credit again for finance but when we've just cleared one debt of finance to then get another out, it's like wow. I get he's single he can do what he wants and he can afford it but as a family and a chance of being together it's not a suitable outgoing!

So he thinks £280pm on a car is ok because his pay rise/overtime covers it? Why doesn't he think that £280 a month should go towards the savings for securing your family a home!?

They will still have a dad even if you're separated, don't put that guilt on yourself.

I probably could have been happier and bubblier etc

WTF.

You aren’t some kind of pleasure robot. You don’t HAVE to be some kind of simpering subservient stepford wife to deserve to be treated with respect.

And i‘ll Say it first. He isn’t a good dad. Good dads ensure financial stability for their children. Any dickhead can do the 10 minutes of ‘fun dad’ act when it suits.

I just feel awful,as if I'm greedy and shallow

No! He is. Don’t you see how he turns this round and you believe it?

holaweenie I know this is exactly why I can't believe he went and took out another car finance, he says what about his happiness etc and I'm just shocked, exactly his pay rise will cover it but we would never get a house in the next 4 years with a lower deposit and affordability of outgoings etc.

Greentulips I know this is what my family have said how I've been twisted to believe it, I think he's good at manipulating how money works etc and justifying it so I just think yeah i can see his point even if it's not right in the first place!

It's just weird seperating from your husband when I didn't even think it would have come to this when I walked out last week over something small, maybe I'd just got used to being let down with money and lied to but its like its happening against what any of us want its like it's not him I have a problem with he's kind to me so that's what hurts, its his actions I hate and for me to be allowed back to his parents house i have to apologise for any arguments we had and for them to begrudge watching my kids whilst I work after school because of how we've took the mick after 'all they done for us' yes they were good letting us live there and save but they didn't buy me a home or give me 20grand, they can just put their back room back to normal if dh moves out! You'd think I owed them the world

Oh and no I'm not going back etc I'm not a total mug, I've just been weighing it all up that I've not been a total cow which I completely feel like!! I didn't want to split the family up which I knoe you will say it shim that did that but I could have put up and shut up and had my family together so that's why I was looking for what you would all do. Thankyou for your advice it really helps because I am analysing it all in my head and what if it was me, what if I threw the book in just as he was getting sensible etc before he obvs went and got car finance!

If you aren't having blazing rows despite his constant lies, deceit, selfishness, drug use etc. That's only because you're choosing to accept that disgusting treatment of yourself.

Would you want your daughter treated like this?

This is not how it's meant to be... no one is perfect. No one is claiming to be or expecting it. But his behaviour is just off the scale.

You have to leave.

£280 on car finance, what is he driving? Surely more than he needs. 😱
If your combined income is £30,000 before tax, £280 is a huge chunk to be spending on a car.

It’s sad if you do love him apart from the money issues, but he can not respect you if he steals and lies to you. You deserve better, it will be hard but it is inevitable and will happen eventually. Rip the band aid off now and start moving on with your life.

My heart goes out to you. You sound like you still love him a lot and it’s hard to walk away when you’re still in love with someone. But he’s not going to change. He’s proved that with the car finance

@Notwhatiexpected1 I'm so glad to hear that you've decided not to go back.

You have been incredibly strong so far, although you're wrong on so many levels to say things like "I could have put up and shut up and had my family together" How would you feel if your children were being treated the way you are by an (ex) partner? Surely you can see how your statement screams out abuse victim? What he is doing is wrong! He's using finances to control you, he's manipulating you, so his behaviour goes unchallenged. You walked away, and rather than think, I need transport to get to work etc, I'll look for a cheap second hand car, he went out and got into even more debt, knowing that you were supposed to be saving so you could move out of his parents spare room with your children. I honestly believe that he engineered the entire "argument" so that you would walk out, he would do what he wanted, and then try to convince you that he is the victim who deserves better.

No... Just NO... YOU and your children deserve better!

Please call woman's aid, they'll give you all the practical support, information and advice about how you can move forward, into independent living with your children!

Your mum and sister sound like a great emotional support for you right now. My mother, sister and I have been through a women's aid refuge, and it made our relationship stronger! They'll look out for you and your children's best interests, and remind you of how abusive your "ex" really is in the moments when you're questioning your decision and feeling weak... You can do it though, you just need to look at your children, and imagine the sort of life they would have if you were still living with their deceitful, manipulative and abusive father!

You seem to be able to look at the bigger picture regarding a home, family etc, so start imagining how your life will improve from now on, x

@Notwhatiexpected1 oh, and for the record, my mortgage payment is less than what he is paying for his car finance... Surely knowing that you can own a house for less than what he is "wasting" on his selfishness... (Outwith London, I'm in Scotland)

OP, how you think the absolute run a round and lies he tells you is not a form of abuse is astonishing.

He is completely financially dishonest.

You may love him but he is neither a good father or husband.

Wishing you strength 💐

Retroflex we actually had a car each so it's not as if I left and took the car, he sold his when we were together the other week and was going to save for a car worth around 3 grand and then I left and he just brought a really cheap couple of hundred pounds car and then he went and got the finance.

I have been down to the council office today about housing but I just had to apply online. Its just so strange because I know I have a million people screaming at me including my family that he has done wrong etc but he hadn't done anything major for me to walk out this time it was just a small pathetic arguement about a stupid amount of money, he had basically spent his allowance of £250 which was meant to last him through Jan (obvs wasted money he owes for weed or whatever and this is why he had stopped smoking it because he knew it was affecting his money and wanted to change for our future mortgage) that money was for his own use nothing else and then he had also won £120 in a football bet, we then had 2 parties to go to over Xmas and had to take alcohol and get taxis etc he had loads of alcohol over Xmas brought for him so I said to save money can he take some with us but he said he had sold it to his brother on Xmas day (I mean what even is that!) and I was abit miffed that he'd spent all his money and sold his beer so I had to fork out on buying more beer and taxis, so he said he completely understands its not fair so he will give me some money once he is back at work because that is where he 'left it' so a couple of days later I thought shall I ask for a small amount back or just let it go but I asked and he said you want me to be honest with you I don't have it and I didn't have it at work but I knew you would get annoyed etc, so it was just another lie which I'd rather him just tell me at the time. The argument obvs got abit bigger.i just feel like had I not asked for it, was I being stingey, he's obvs a member of the family, maybe I'm controlling, its just because he'd had loads of money and then I still had to use what money I had, I don't have an allowance I just have whatever money is spare and I don't really buy myself stuff it's just classed as family money, for example if we went out for a meal I wouldn't expect it to come out of his allowance it would come out of family money. I understand people don't get this whole your money, my money but we had seperate money as he just spends too much but he then said he feels like he's not a member of the family with the finances etc so it's hard feeling like had I not been tight and brought it up we'd be married still and he was about to change, I feel sorry for him in a way!! I feel I'm going to the council office against everything I want but then there's a force just pushing me through. And then obviously we split and within a week he got expensive finance so it does give me an example of why I also left.

Scared now you will all think yeah it's your fault actually!! And then I'm just going to feel even more wrong and terrible

I've just also had to txt him about the kids and I said I told you if you just gave the car back etc as it is too much for a family to afford then I'd have got back with you but he replied and said its a shame money means more to me than him, so I'm glad that he knows I've gave him the option a few times now and before he'd even got the car I said it will jeapordise us getting back together but he still go it expecting me to maybe go back so I'm sort of glad he has pushed ahead with still wanting the car because it makes me think I couldnt have done anymore apart from go back to taking on a big debt for 4years when we were meant to be getting a house as he clearly isn't going to give up the car

"he has done wrong etc but he hadn't done anything major for me to walk out this time it was just a small pathetic arguement about a stupid amount of money"

It's a repeated pattern of behaviour. It's like the old saying the straw that broke the camels back, there's only so much anybody can take before they break! It wasn't just that one thing, it was all the little things which when added up are too much for most people to deal with.

As for him saying "it's a shame money means more to you than him" it's yet another attempt to play the victim! You could argue back that it's a shame car finance means more to you than your family! he's been given the choice, more than once, and chosen his selfishness each and every time!

It sounds like he's never had to grow up take responsibility for his finances, as there's always someone around who will bail him out, be it "loaning" him the money short-term until he gets paid, or "buying" alcohol from him to give him extra cash rather than going to a shop for it, or, or, or...

You really are doing the right thing, for both you and your children, stay strong, and technically you will still be married until you (or he) decide to start divorce proceedings, so I would be careful about building a large savings account balance, (he would be entitled to half), or buying a property. Even though you can prove you have been separated, a friend of mine was forced to sell her house and give a man who had never stepped foot in the property half, because all assets were taken into consideration... Absolutely bonkers and I personally think her lawyer should have fought that, but nothing she could do...

its a shame money means more to me than him

It’s a shame a new new car means more to him than being a family and putting a roof over his kids heads.

This will be your life forever if you stay. Sorry but I don’t see you getting a house - he’s a financial liability. Even if you managed it, I’d predict losing it and being made homeless anyway. He hides money from you, steals and lies. Come on!! He’s an atrocious role model and husband

Thankyou so much for your support and telling me I am making the right decision even when I have explained situations where I question if it's me and felt guilty. I was so confused as he wasn't all bad and as I've said loads apart from the money issues he was so nice to me, went to work, came home, didn't go out etc, I still can't quite believe it's us going through it, I feel like we know eachother inside out (apart from money situations at times) and I stuck through money issues because I just had it in my head that you work through problems and I will be married to one man for 60 years etc I suppose I'm old fashioned!

Oh don't worry I replied saying shame he chose the car over his family when I gave him chances to change his mind, he just said its because I wanted the extra £70 a week that his car finance costs and his wage would still be the same still as what it has been due to his payrise and its made him realise I don't love him, I said I'm not arguing and if I didn't love him I wouldn't have cried and sobbed as hard I have done this past week!!

Anyway thankyou for helping me get to the bottom of my doubt and helping me process it all, it's sad that the family holidays are now gone and my children will be the ones whose parents have split up when their friends all have happy together parents going to florida and having house extensions etc but that's what you get when money has been wasted throughout the years, onwards and upwards! 🙂

I wouldn’t believe a single word this man says about money. Had he definitely had this £280 patrias, have you seen proof, or is it likely to disappear into thin air when crunch times comes? Honestly every post makes him sound like a worse liar, selling beer to his brother ?!? - paying off a dealer maybe?

It's not controlling to not want to be in a ridiculous amount of debt. My friend was married to and had kids with a guy who was similar. After she chucked him out she was able to sort out a budget, she even paid off the debts she got saddled with and is now debt free and in a relationship with someone who doesn't piss money up the wall, never seen her so happy.

He clearly twists his words to you so that he gets what he wants.
Oh my lovely... it will never get better.
You , combined have little money, yet he is opting for car finance! He should be opting to fund his family.
You deserve much more than this.
You need to make a clean break, if you can.
I am so sorry that you’re going through this.
Please don’t enable him with his immature financial decisions.

Thankyou, I feel like I'm completely frazzled! I now know why I constantly question myself and put the blame on me because he txt me last night saying yet again that I walked out on him and then after a week of me wanting to put the family together and him saying no he suddenly got this car finance and did a u-turn and wanted me back! He said that he was so sure I would say yes to returning and completely shocked when I said no and that he now knows that I've never really loved him because I'm more bothered about getting a house or that there's now £70 a week going on a car and that if I truly loved him then I would do anything to be tigeyehr and money wouldn't matter just how he would be with me no matter what or where we lived. Obviously it's hard when someone sells you this and is so convincing that I can actually see where it looks like I'm just bothered about money but all these years I have put up with financial crap because of love and because I thought you work through anything! I CANNOT get him to see that he's made the wrong choices with the car!! He says we shouldnt get a house yet anyway due to us seperating and I agree but what about in 2 years time if we are stronger and we still can't get one. It bugs me so much that he thinks this is all me and I'm shallow and he will not see you can't make these stupid financial choices, it's horrible to think he genuinely believes its me that's the cause and I walked out and I won't accept him along with the car because I'm more bothered about money! I get we could still save the same due to his payrise covering the car finance but that could go on something better rather than for the sole purpose of one family member and for what to look flash?! My family have said stop trying to convince its not me who's wrong but I don't want to be held responsible but he's having none of it!

You will never get him to see that he is in the wrong, stop trying as you are beating your head against a brick wall. Let him say what he wants, I know its hard, but you know you can't go on like this and if you go back he isn't going to change. That monthly allowance he gets (that you don't) will slowly increase, because to people like him it's never enough, I know cos I've been there with my ex.

Whatever he says to you is bullshit.
What sort of father smokes drugs, gambles, and acquires extra debt by getting himself a fancy expensive car while his wife and children don't have a home?
A shit one.

He’d rather be right than happy.

I wouldn’t argue with his reasoning!

I’d just text - you are obviously happy with your choice.

Say nothing else and repeat