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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A friend who hears voices is hearing my voice saying things that I would never say. AIBU to gently withdraw from the friendship?

77 replies

CarrietheChocolateFiend · 12/01/2020 08:34

She is being cared for by her sister and is being supported by daily visits from the local mental health crisis team. She has a diagnosis of paranoid schizoaffective and is on a lot of medication.

She understands that nobody else can hear most of the voices she hears. But she nevertheless believes that the nasty and spiteful and sometimes profane things she hears from "Carrie's voice" come genuinely from me - and as a result, she feels violated and abused by what she believes I'm telling her.

I'm determined not to be upset or offended by the anger she's directing towards me (though much of what she is wrongly accusing me of would be considered extremely offensive) and I am her oldest, longest-term friend and I care about her so much, would take any bullet for her &etc.

But I am increasingly reaching the conclusion that my presence in her life is making her illness worse and worse. Or at least, that I can no longer help.

AIBU to withdraw from the friendship for the time being?

OP posts:
Original poster
CarrietheChocolateFiend · 12/01/2020 13:03

You're all being very kind. I think you're right that my next step should be to reach out to the sister.

OP posts:
CarolinaPink · 12/01/2020 13:34

Assuming you want to do the best for your old friend, I think you should be guided by the advice of the Mental Health Crisis Team.

Patnotpending · 12/01/2020 13:56

OP, I experienced something similar when a bi-polar friend whom I'd supported through several cycles and sectionings suddenly started hearing my voice in her head saying dreadful things. I hung in there for too long and ended up being seriously spooked by threatening messages she left on my answering machine.

I'd contact your friend's sister and say you're stepping back for a while as your involvement seems to be making things worse, not better, and that if and when your friend feels up to it you would welcome the chance to resume contact. If you have a means of contacting the MH support team I would also explain the same to them. Sometimes it's best to leave things to the professionals. She's got the sister, it's not as if you're leaving her completely on her own.

Lucietigger · 12/01/2020 13:58

I would talk to her carers and seek advice... Particularly as seems to be (currently) escalating in her belief of your voice and the voice itself seems to be escalating.

If possible, can you have a quiet and in confidence word with HR at your workplace about the situation and your concerns, just in case she does make accusations, possibly turn up there or send police etc? Just so they can manage things as sensitively as possible if that happens

You are a good friend and are being very caring and considered about what to do. Your friend, long term, needs friends like you. But short term withdrawing a bit sounds sensible (but seek that advice!).

But, overall, you need to protect yourself, your life, and your well being. If this is all too much right now and it's affecting you - do what you need to do to care for you. Once again, long term, no matter what your friend will get to understand.

Good luck x

Woollycardi · 12/01/2020 14:04

That sounds really difficult Carrie. Our family had a similar situation with a relative (although the accusations against us were different) and I found it incredibly challenging. I suppose the thing that struck me in your post is that currently she can't step back from her belief about what you are saying (in her head). That doesn't mean it will always be the way, but for now, unfortunately, she is projecting on to you acutely and you can't do anything to help or change this. So I would also offer support to her sister, but also be aware of your slight unsteadiness regarding her sister, so perhaps don't say too much, just that you are here if there's anything you can do.

Woollycardi · 12/01/2020 14:05

Just wanted to add though, you're not making anything worse, I would try and drop that belief for your own mental health.

NarwhalsNarwhals · 12/01/2020 14:20

When DD's voices were at their worst she thought I had said some horrendous things and made a lot of accusations about me and it is hard not to feel hurt, its one of the hardest things I have ever been through but one of the things her team told me was that sometimes the voices are the voices they are because they are the people closest, so she's not hearing your voice because she is angry with you but because she loves you. Still bloody horrible for you of course but I found it comforting to know that.

I would take a step back for a little while, maybe let the sister know why, or if you are in touch with the crisis team mention it to them, they won't be able to discuss it with you but at least then they'll have a note should she start mentioning you and as horrible as it sounds at least then it is on record should she make an accusation, the advice above about mentioning it to HR is good too.

FullOfJellyBeans · 12/01/2020 14:21

How difficult I would probably try and seek the advice of her mental health team (possibly via her sister). I would always be there for her but if it helps her to take a step back from her day to day life until her symptons are better managed then I would do that.

LonelyGir1 · 12/01/2020 14:58

I've had this. Pull back for your sanity

Original poster
CarrietheChocolateFiend · 24/01/2020 07:55

I saw her last night, the first time in several weeks. She seemed less angry with me, though nevertheless still as persecuted by and obsessed with "my" voice. What she did explain to me, though, was that my voice is at its worst when we're on the phone together, or chatting online. She suggested then that we for the time being only communicate in person. I agreed, but am not sure whether this was the right thing to do - I live an hour's drive from her, and she can't travel anywhere closer to me, and she can't cope with me bringing my kids to see her, and can't see me before noon or after 6pm - so getting to visit requires kind of hard-core childcare arrangements for my days off work - with the result that I really cannot visit more than once a month or so. I think she understands that - when she's not psychotic, she's the world's most flexible and accommodating and unselfish person. But have I abandoned her? Or is she also seeking some distance between us?

OP posts:
Original poster
CarrietheChocolateFiend · 24/01/2020 07:58

Oooops that didn't come out well. TLDR: the voices are worse when we phone or message so that the only contact she wants between us is when I visit her, even though she understands why I can only visit her once a month. AIBU in agreeing to this?

OP posts:
Mascarponeandwine · 24/01/2020 08:09

Been in your position too and the friendship faded. After many years of voices, eventually she had started hearing a voice saying my new husband was a danger to her. The voice used to follow her everywhere, appear in rooms and pubs, pop up wherever we were.

She went to the doctor, but they reassured her there was nobody there, didn’t refer or anything. I was scared she’d stab DH when staying over at ours if the voice told her to, so i put distance between us. Shame as she was great fun, but dealing with “the voice“ was beyond our knowledge and capability.

Whatisthisfuckery · 24/01/2020 08:19

OP this sounds like a really difficult and upsetting situation. I echo other posters in that I think you’d do well to step back for now at least. Hopefully when and if your friend’s MH is brought under control you can be friends again, but atm your presence will only make things worse.

I had a similar situation a few years ago with my neighbour. I had voices telling me things about her. Thankfully I was hospitalised before things escalated. When my MH was back under control me and the neighbour became quite friendly but at the time I can tell you I was not being friendly.

I’m sorry this is happening to you. None of this is your fault.

Yeahnah2020 · 24/01/2020 08:23

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Original poster
CarrietheChocolateFiend · 24/01/2020 08:36

@Yeahnah2020 thank for illustrating so succinctly why so many people living with long term mental health issues end up so lonely. I hope you never suffer from psychosis Angry

OP posts:
dorisdog · 24/01/2020 08:46

I think you should ask a professional what the best thing to do is. Contact Rethink or Mind who might have some good advice. Obviously protect your own mental health and pull back if you need to, but you may not want to lose the friendship forever - she'll be very different when she recovers I expect. Good luck to you both. Such a heartbreaking situation.

cochineal7 · 24/01/2020 08:50

Do you think this is a way of her gently giving you a way to take a step back? She may realise more than you think. She most likely also doesn’t want to have your voice in her head. I would take her up on her offer. If it doesn’t work you can always adjust accordingly.

dorisdog · 24/01/2020 08:52

Sorry, just saw your longer update. Doubly difficult if you can't phone and message support and friendship. Sorry not to have any useful advice, but you can only do what you can do... (in a practical way). If you can manage a once a month visit and you feel comfortable doing that it sounds like that creates a bit of distance anyway and is quite boundaried.

Original poster
CarrietheChocolateFiend · 24/01/2020 08:54

"Do you think this is a way of her gently giving you a way to take a step back? She may realise more than you think. She most likely also doesn’t want to have your voice in her head. I would take her up on her offer. If it doesn’t work you can always adjust accordingly"

I think that's very likely, yes.

OP posts:
scubadive · 24/01/2020 08:55

Yes I would withdraw for a bit but write her a letter explaining what you are doing and why. Explain you will always be there for her. That way she will have the letter to re-read when she needs to..

RapidRainbow · 24/01/2020 09:00

If you withdraw, would it be beneficial to send some videos talking about happy memories to cancel out your 'bad' voice? So that in the future your voice doesnt take her straight back to the bad things? I'd advise asking to speak with her professional health care on this matter.

RuffleCrow · 24/01/2020 09:01

Have you seen Orange is the New Black, OP? This makes me think of the point in the final season where Nicky realises she can no longer help Lorna - she's 'too far down the rabbit hole' and for the sake of her own mental health she has to let go. Flowers

Branleuse · 24/01/2020 09:05

You arent obliged to support her through this. You have your own stuff to deal with and if shes angry with you and you are the focus of her delusions and paranoia, you would be wise to step back.
Whether the friendship can get back on track later is another issue, but youre not doing yourself or even her any favours right now

Rubyupbeat · 24/01/2020 09:16

Please don't cut yourself off. By all means step right back whilst she is having such an episode as it can be traumatic for both of you. But severe mental health can drive so many people away, which is really upsetting for the person suffering. Could you keep in touch with her family members, because from personal experience, they will really appreciate knowing someone outside the family unit cares, plus, can let you know when she seems to have levelled out. Such a sad situation.

Woollycardi · 24/01/2020 09:19

I was really encouraged by your post for your friend as she is putting down boundaries. Perhaps some of her issues are about being too accommodating and flexible, sometimes we need to make clear decisions about what we need. But from your perspective, in your shoes I would try the new arrangement and see how it goes. Neither of you want your voice in her head so if this helps that to calm down this could be the beginning of a completely new phase in your relationship. By the way, you seem like an amazing friend, I have found this thread really heartwarming. Good luck.