A friend who hears voices is hearing my voice saying things that I would never say. AIBU to gently withdraw from the friendship?

[CarrietheChocolateFiend]

She is being cared for by her sister and is being supported by daily visits from the local mental health crisis team. She has a diagnosis of paranoid schizoaffective and is on a lot of medication.

She understands that nobody else can hear most of the voices she hears. But she nevertheless believes that the nasty and spiteful and sometimes profane things she hears from "Carrie's voice" come genuinely from me - and as a result, she feels violated and abused by what she believes I'm telling her.

I'm determined not to be upset or offended by the anger she's directing towards me (though much of what she is wrongly accusing me of would be considered extremely offensive) and I am her oldest, longest-term friend and I care about her so much, would take any bullet for her &etc.

But I am increasingly reaching the conclusion that my presence in her life is making her illness worse and worse. Or at least, that I can no longer help.

AIBU to withdraw from the friendship for the time being?

Wait a second....so the sister also believes the voices in your friend’s head about you? Get the hell away from them now! You are asking for trouble.

Her Sister was probably in denial the first time, far easier to think someone else is mean than your own flesh and blood is so unwell as to make it all up. Has the Sister ever acknowledged that what your friend said the first time was untrue ?

I don't think it's that simple. Friend has also told sister (for example) that I have black hair, two dogs and vote Green. How is the sister to know that where I have black hair and two dogs, I actually vote Labour? Some of it sounds plausible.

YANU, I don’t see what other option there is tbh, your presence isn’t a positive thing at all.

Of course you’re upset, words have power whether you understand their origins or not. You will benefit from a bit of distance yourself to be able to unpick your feelings and get over the initial hurt. You also need to protect your own life, you can’t risk your own job and friends.

If I were you I would try and contact the sister if nothing else to tell her you know your friendship isn’t good for her right now so you’ll be withdrawing but that doesn’t mean you’re not her friend and hope things will change in the future. Offer support but if she chooses not to take it that’s fine, at least you’ve made your boundaries clear.

Do you still have contact with the mutual friend who experienced similar? I think it would be good for you to talk it over with someone who understands what you’re going through.

I think what saraclara suggested about contacting a mental health charity for support and advice is a good idea, you can talk to someone who has no connection to the situation and who won't judge you for being upset or hurt by your friends behaviour. Mind charity is very good.

Well I'm not being rude but why on earth WOULD you be upset or offended? She's got mental health issues!

I'm assuming you've never dealt with someone psychotic? It's very upsetting.

So I don't know whether the sister would want my support.

Can you write to the sister and explain why you think it's best to withdraw for now? Perhaps explain that you are happy to be contacted if she thinks it would be helpful.

Either way, I think you need to put yourself first. You can't help your friend at the moment, this needs professionals.

Don I have as a matter of fact. My close cousin. I was only 18 when she got ill. The way OP worded it was odd.

I would say withdraw initially, get your own mind settled as this has obviously been traumatic for you too and then see what strength you have. At that.point if you feel up to contacting a professional for advice.tiu can do.so.in a calm.state of mind. Although it is.important to.do right by your fear friend.it can't be to your own detriment.

Arggg,.big fingers, little characters!

I would be keeping out of the way completely because a) of your own safety because b) she has muddled real you with a lot of fantasy and not-real you in a way that isn't helpful for either of you. You can't disentangle this for her so best to leave her with the help she has and hope it becomes better at some future time point.

I have been in a similar situation and the situation did turn violent because of the delusional beliefs and then put others at risk. Medication did help enormously eventually.

Only Bupa worked for my friend. So see if she has access to it. A change of medication might be needed.

I agree with contacting MIND initially. They might be able to put you in touch with something locally, or a specific group.

In a personal capacity, I went to a course run by this group. I got the impression that a lot of their members are people who hear voices, but don't have major mental health issues though. But obviously they are specialists in the voices element.

www.hearing-voices.org/

Sorry. That should have read "in a professional capacity".

Yanbu. You have to look after yourself. She needs proper help.

@CarrietheChocolateFiend - when my DH was going through a psychotic episode he had delusions about all sorts of strange things about me one being that I was cheating on him which was of course very hurtful. His psych nurse explained it was nothing about me personally - it was just because I was there. He also had delusions about others close to us. I also when unwell heard voices and one was one of my best friends. So I don't think you are making her illness worse - if it wasn't your voice she heard it would be someone else.

However if this is having a serious negative effect on you - which it sounds like it is - then you need to do what you can to protect yourself.

I wouldn't permanently end the friendship but you might need to step back for a while. Hopefully the mental health team will be able to help her become more stable and these voices will stop. Often seriously mentally unwell people end up with no friends which is such a shame. I hope things work out

Step back a bit for your sanity and hers but don't end the friendship entirely. Maybe writing letters would be a healthy and positive way to keep the friendship going for the time being? 💐

I would ask her health professionals. Be aware that once people are no longer psychotic they can be mortified and deeply ashamed of things they said or did when so ill. Getting better can ironically be very tough for this reason.

@BillHadersNewWife - when my DH was accussing me of cheating when going through a psychotic episode it was really hard not to feel upset and hurt. Even though I knew he was unwell it still felt terrible. He branded me a liar and a horrible person and after being told this so much I started believing it was true. It had a really bad effect on my mental health. It isn't enough to just think 'oh, they're unwell' and then be ok and able to cope with it.

Yes back off, you can return once she is well again, safety first. Easier said than done but try to not feel bad. Does this tend to happen when she decides she doesn't need her meds anymore?

This may be a ridiculously twee idea and not for you/your friendship but how about keeping a little diary whilst you’re keeping your distance. Nothing too heavy, just the kind of things you’d bring up with her day to day or the odd thought that pops into your head; notes of things you think she might like tv shows, books etc. Basically keeping your friendship going even if it is one sided for a bit.

What a @karencantobe said about how she might feel when she’s improved struck a chord and I wonder whether this would be a nice way to show that your friendship is absolutely fine, you’ve missed her and didn’t back off permanently.

It's a very sad situation and unimaginable for anyone who has not had to face someone with this sort of illness and manifestations.

The time has prob come for you to let the health professionals know that the strain of it is too great on you ... and maybe a break might help her ... be interesting to see if the voice transferred to someone else? I think it would be great if you could do your bit in a new way supporting the sister perhaps by treating her for lunch or time away.

Also please remember you have your own self and life to lead and you becoming ill too or injured will not help her.

If you are able to help still, I would offer her sister some support. I have been a carer of a psychotic relative and even being able to go for a quick coffee with someone who actually knew what psychosis was like, was a real life saver. Most people seem to have no understanding of the reality of this.

A very sad situation for your poor friend OP. Medication and treatment plans can take several months to kick in- I would do as you are considering and step back for a little while for both your sakes and then reevaluate it as and when there might be news. Maintain contact with the sister or ask her to ask the MH team what is appropriate as she has access to them.

So sorry about your friend

Think about yourself and step back.

I’d say yes, do withdraw. I had a friend whose mental health was in a very bad place and I was one focus of it (read her posts on MN). Her partner and mine were good friends and I had to tell my husband why I wouldn’t be continuing the friendship. What she wrote was just vile, a mish-mash of bits from conversations about others. What was clear though was how much she disliked me which was ok, but why keep inviting us round? It was so bizarre.

I could have contacted her but really it was going to be more help to her if I just melted away into the past. So I did, and I’m not sorry. I appreciate this is a long friendship but if she’s fixating on you/your voice then it’s causing her distress and I think it’s kinder to withdraw.