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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU - Socialising outside of work

51 replies

WheresTheEvidence · 11/01/2020 21:02

To set the scene I work for a medium size company which has 20 different offices/branches across the south east which I have nothing to do with.

In my branch we have 3 different teams, plus a management team. Each staff member is based in their own team and has responsibilities for that setting but it wouldn't be unreasonable for them to have to cover in any of the other 2 teams for example due to being short staffed or to cover lunches etc. So 95% of the 40 hour week we are in our own teams.

Team 1 has 6 staff members, Team 2 has 4 staff members and Team 3 has 4 staff members adding management there are 17 members of staf of in total.

We all socialise together every couple of months BUT..
Is it unreasonable for 6 staff members from different teams (a mix of all 4 teams) to meet for a meal on a non work day?

OP posts:
ohwheniknow · 11/01/2020 21:05

Why would that be an issue?

redexpat · 11/01/2020 21:05

As private individuals no i dont think it unreasonable, as long as they keep going to the whole group thing.

Whatsthesmell · 11/01/2020 21:06

Not at all your allowed to be friends with your colleagues.
Assuming your job doesn't prohibit it since you already go out every few months

lastqueenofscotland · 11/01/2020 21:08

No? I work in a company made up of four teams and four of us who are in three different teams go for a meal/drinks as friends (which we are) once a month at least.

cabbageking · 11/01/2020 21:11

If you socialise normally with your colleagues then this is no difference.

It might even throw up new ideas or better systems?

CosmoK · 11/01/2020 21:11

Why in earth would this be an issue.
In a previous job I had colleagues stay at my house!

InfiniteSheldon · 11/01/2020 21:11

Depends are you deliberately excluding people? If so why? are you talking about work? are you giving out opportunities to your preferred little clique? If you have a suspicion that it's possibly wrong then it probably is. A lunch with a single work friend fine. 66 out of 17 would be unfair on the one excluded. Consider where does 6 out of 17 sit on that spectrum perhaps?

iklboo · 11/01/2020 21:12

Of course not. Work & the other teams don't own you.

Original poster
WheresTheEvidence · 11/01/2020 22:29

Ok so reason I asked is I didnt think it was an issue. For more information 2 members of the overall team are dating, another 2 are best friends, 3 of the younger crowd go out drinking together, others see each other 1 on 1 and there seems to be no problem with this.

BUT I have been spoken to for arranging this. I invited the colleagues privately not in a big show or in a they're invited you're not type way.

The reason I invited said 5 colleagues was I have found I get on well with them, were all rather similar and are "older" and I would like to get to know them. I have been there a year and because of our schedules we rarely get to socialise at work as our breaks are short and often covered by others so a lunch break may mean seeing 1 person for 5 minute overlap. Hence asking a couple of them to meet up for food.

Reasons why I haven't invited others include 1 member of staff made derogatory comments to me in my home (we all went to fireworks straight from a meeting hence why at my house) and whilst I will be courteous at work I wont socialise with them. Another 2 seem to be very in the managements pockets often "telling tales" and stirring the pot so cant see myself being able to relax wondering what they would spin into a story and a couple in my team (who I work well with) wouldn't be interested and as such wouldn't invite them, so as to make it less than a third rather than half (which I would assume would be worse)

I really hadn't tried to make it cliquey or a you're not invited but everyone else is type way. But have I done something wrong?

OP posts:
Original poster
WheresTheEvidence · 11/01/2020 22:31

Oh and work wont be discussed and I cant give out special treatment at work or assume it. Not that kind of job. Plus people are a mix of work levels but not management.

OP posts:
InfiniteSheldon · 12/01/2020 05:01

I think that's wrong I'm afraid you've excluded people you don't like or aren't in your age group and tried to form a work clique.

Scarsthelot · 12/01/2020 05:23

It's a fine line. When people have built relationships outside work and meeting up. Especially in situations where it's one on one, it's fine.

Arranging a group activity, when you dont have a close relationship outside work, and excluding some people is usually frowned upon.

makingmammaries · 12/01/2020 05:24

I think you’re within your rights. Others socialise selectively outside of work, so why can’t you?

echt · 12/01/2020 05:24

Is it unreasonable for 6 staff members from different teams (a mix of all 4 teams) to meet for a meal on a non work day

Re-phrase this. Is it wrong to invite people I know and like to a meal outside work?

No.

Decidewhattobeandgobeit · 12/01/2020 05:27

You’re allowed to have dinner with whoever you want.

Toomanygerbils · 12/01/2020 05:33

It’s your free time, your social life, you can invite/be friends with who you like. There are no HR rules relating to your off work hours!

GiveHerHellFromUs · 12/01/2020 05:40

If they're not people you're actually friends with it sounds like you're trying to form your own clique and sounds a bit mean to me.

If it had been kept between the 6 of you it'd be fine but someone's obviously told someone else who's been upset by it.

echt · 12/01/2020 05:44

If they're not people you're actually friends with it sounds like you're trying to form your own clique and sounds a bit mean to me

So how do you get to be friends unless you explore the initial relationship at a lower level?

MsMarvel · 12/01/2020 05:45

I think the fact that you arent yet an established group of friends makes it a bit more complicated...

Its as if youve been judging your colleagues to see who is going to make the cut of being your friend, and these ones are the 'winners'

Were the people you asked keen to meet up? I think if a work colleague asked me to dinner in that sort of situation, and i didnt now them that well, i would think it was slightly weird.

It might be best to build up individual friendships with these people (coffee/drink after work etc) and then build the group up gradually from there. If the friendships happen, then the group should happen without much forcing or drama which is what youve caused this time.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 12/01/2020 05:47

@echt by involving everyone and connecting naturally, not trying to force relationships with people just because they're your own age

echt · 12/01/2020 05:48

BUT I have been spoken to for arranging this

Who has spoke to you about this?

Toomanygerbils · 12/01/2020 05:49

God how do people just make friends without offending others? Yes there are people we like or dislike almost instantaneous. But there are others we bond with quickly and that’s good

echt · 12/01/2020 05:50

@echt by involving everyone and connecting naturally, not trying to force relationships with people just because they're your own age

Naturally might well be your own age. Has the OP forced anything?
This is the the OP's private invitation outside of work.
No-one else's business at all.

Toomanygerbils · 12/01/2020 05:52

@echt you sound like you have your own personal issues related to something similar, don’t blame the OP for this

yearinyearout · 12/01/2020 05:54

I can't believe people are saying this is unreasonable. You can socialise with who you damn well like!

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