Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

WIBU - Socialising outside of work

51 replies

WheresTheEvidence · 11/01/2020 21:02

To set the scene I work for a medium size company which has 20 different offices/branches across the south east which I have nothing to do with.

In my branch we have 3 different teams, plus a management team. Each staff member is based in their own team and has responsibilities for that setting but it wouldn't be unreasonable for them to have to cover in any of the other 2 teams for example due to being short staffed or to cover lunches etc. So 95% of the 40 hour week we are in our own teams.

Team 1 has 6 staff members, Team 2 has 4 staff members and Team 3 has 4 staff members adding management there are 17 members of staf of in total.

We all socialise together every couple of months BUT..
Is it unreasonable for 6 staff members from different teams (a mix of all 4 teams) to meet for a meal on a non work day?

OP posts:

echt · 12/01/2020 05:54

@echt you sound like you have your own personal issues related to something similar, don’t blame the OP for this

I haven't blamed the OP at all. I'm on her side.

Oh, and do stop calling me @echt, that is not my username.

Toomanygerbils · 12/01/2020 05:55

Apologies that should have been directed to @ GiveHerHellFromUs sorry @echt

echt · 12/01/2020 05:56

OK. Thanks, Toomanygerbils

Toomanygerbils · 12/01/2020 05:58

And not sure where the * came from, wasn’t showing on my posts.

Eastie77 · 12/01/2020 06:29

My manager is close to 2 people in our team. They share a niche hobby. He invites them to his house for dinner, they socialise on weekends, attend each other's family events and travel together to practice their hobby etc.

I have no problem with this at all. I don't feel that he treats them differently to anyone else in the team. However several people at work have commented and complained about it. They are disparagingly nicked named the Three Amigo. I find the complaints a odd: why does anyone care about what their colleagues get up to in their own free time?

There are lots of mini cliques in my office. It's perfectly normal. Forcing colleagues to try and get on is pointless which is why I'm always off ill whenever my department organises one of their dreadful team bonding activity days.

OP, whoever 'spoke to you' clearly has too
much time on their hands. Just smile and nod. They cannot police your activities outside of work.

DCOkeford · 12/01/2020 06:36

Its a bit off tbh. Technically, you haven't actually done anything wrong, but perhaps reflect on how the left-out people might feel?

I think you've shown poor judgement here which isn't a great thing in the workplace.

Id suggest acknowledging that your actions may be the cause of unintended upset, apologise to this involved and include everyone in your social plans.

The ability to take feedback, and adjust your course accordingly is a very desirable trait in an employee - you might be able to salvage some positive here...

Readordead · 12/01/2020 07:17

Of course it’s not unreasonable. Who spoke to you about this?
It would be a cold day in hell that my work could tell me what I do/ who I do it with in my own free time.

Readordead · 12/01/2020 07:19

And don’t apologise for it either!

Mumdiva99 · 12/01/2020 07:28

It's not wrong. But, did you arrange it via work email? If so that is wrong.

Have you excluded just one or two from a previous time? (E.g. have you just left out person who was rude to you at the fireworks? When previously you invited them?)

If I thought I got on well with you (the others) as a work colleague and then found out about this I would be upset. Unreasonable. Maybe. But it wouldn't change how I felt. I would be questionning what I had done wrong etc. Far better for an after work event to be inclusive. Although you say this is weekend - so really why would anyone else know.....

Beautiful3 · 12/01/2020 07:29

Thats fine but be prepared for uninvited coworkers to whine about it.

echt · 12/01/2020 08:06

It's not wrong. But, did you arrange it via work email? If so that is wrong

Good point.

Nacreous · 12/01/2020 08:12

Jesus, this seems absurd to me.

But then I have work colleagues who I like enough to go on holiday with and you can be damned sure I'm not inviting the whole office on holiday.

I guess it depends a little on your work culture but broadly speaking that sounds fine to me.

Original poster

WheresTheEvidence · 12/01/2020 09:16

So it seems quite split.

I was spoken to by a manager, I think 1 of the group mentioned it to them in passing - got the text from me whilst on lunch maybe. As I said whilst I did it on the downlow not on work email, it was never a hush hush sneaky thing. This all came about when 3 of us were the only ones who came to a planned meal so we got it off and said we'd do it again. I didnt see it as a problem as I'd chosen less than half the group and a mix of teams so it wasnt a deliberate snub to just 1 or 2. Also we are the older ones, with same life experiences rather than the younger ones who all happily go out with each other at the weekends with no issues.

I didnt think I was trying to form a clique. In fact I just saw it as a 1 of meal as I just wanted to get to know my colleagues better and they're the ones I seem to get on with.

OP posts:

GiveHerHellFromUs · 12/01/2020 09:16

@Toomanygerbils not at all. I wouldn't personally get upset by it but I do understand why people think it's unreasonable in the workplace.

It's different if they're actually friends, but they're not.

ItsNovemberNotChristmas · 12/01/2020 09:32

All the background info is irrelevant.

If you'd said "I work for a large company with lots of staff, a small group of us, 4 or 5, like to socialise outside of work, AWBU?" the answers would probably be different.

It's no-one else's business who you socialise with outside of work hours, regardless of how you invite them.

I socialise with colleagues once a month, I class them as friends now...are we supposed to invite everyone in case someone feels left out? It's not the playground, we should be able who we want

Scarsthelot · 12/01/2020 09:34

Like I said, its s fine line. You have arranged a group activity at work

The done thing is to make it an open invitation.

At work we are organising a weekend away, hiking. Whilst it been arranged by people who are quite friendly and work in different teams. The invitation is an open one to anyone who wants to join. Because, unfortunately, in offices some people will complain.

We ended up cancelling a Christmas lunch because some teams complained they couldnt go. It was meant to be a lunch for 3 teams in one department. But people moaned so it didnt happen.

Things like this cause problems in offices all the time. The general gist, is that group things like what you have dont should have an open invitation. Might be petty. But that's office life

Pisses me right off

NoWordForFluffy · 12/01/2020 09:44

I think it's odd that your manager is annoyed about this. The younger ones in our office often arrange nights out together after work. I'm not bothered by this at all!

I really don't see why colleagues have to all be invited together or not at all. 🤷‍♀️

sonjadog · 12/01/2020 09:54

I think you are fine. I work in a large organization and often small groups of us get together outside of the office. Sometimes I am included, sometimes not. People can invite whoever they like to activities in their free time. I would ignore the complaints on this one. Some people just like to find things to complain about.

m0therofdragons · 12/01/2020 10:04

That's completely fine. I got annoyed when the men in my office were all arranging meet ups over my head (literally me sitting at my desk and they were standing around inviting the whole office except me and one other female colleague. Although they never met up as they couldn't agree on a date!

Sometimes arrangements are made and if you're not there then your not invited. It's not personal and other times you invite work friends rather than colleagues.

iklboo · 12/01/2020 10:57

Oh, and do stop calling me @echt, that is not my username

@echt - it's a way of flagging you if you have messages turned on on your settings. It's not a change to your user name.

If you typed @iklboo I get an email telling me you've directed a post at me.

WelcomeToShootingStars · 12/01/2020 11:25

I think some of the responses here are bizarre!

Surely it's natural that you'll have more in common with some colleagues than others. You don't have to be friends with everyone, and nor should you have to extend every invite out to the entire workforce!

KatherineJaneway · 12/01/2020 12:09

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. As long as you don't talk loudly about it in front of other team members, then I can't see the issue.

People form friendships and relationships with people they work with all the time, you can't invite the wider office out to every social engagement.

Original poster

WheresTheEvidence · 12/01/2020 12:15

Scars I didnt arrange it at work I sent them a message outside of work and not in front of those not invited or in a way to make others aware or seem put out. If you were to ask me why and doesnt that make me look sneaky I just thought it was the adult thing to do. I like some colleagues, we get on, I'll invite them out for a drink/to mine for dinner. In the same way others must mesaage each other when I see them having a meal together or tagging each other in a group activity.

Like Motherofthdragons that's why I didnt ask or make plans in front of the whole team it seems hurtful to do what you said.

I had just hoped to get to know these colleagues better. But it seems that I'm better of doing an open invite despite not wanting to socialise to closely with several of the team for reasons stated above or not getting to know them at all.

OP posts:

Cherrysoup · 12/01/2020 12:25

What did the manager say? That you’re not allowed or that you’re excluding others? I mean at work, I’d go out with others from different departments/teams, no worries and no-one could moan because we’re a big organisation.

You’re allowed to go out with whomever you like. I hope you told the manager this.

MsMarvel · 12/01/2020 13:13

I think the fact that it was one of the people you invited that spoke to a manager might mean that they are not as keen to make close friendship with you.

A lot of people like to keep work and personal life separate. Which is why if you want friendships from colleagues then open invites are the way to go, as like minded people will attend, and people who have no interest in making friends at work will choose not to go without the pressure of having to tell an individual they are not interested.

Flip

1 2 3