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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask how to deal with it when people ask if I liked their (thoughtless) gifts?

33 replies

AwdBovril · 11/01/2020 19:21

It's a MIL one I'm afraid. She does the present buying on behalf of her & FIL. It is very much a leisure activity (going shopping), they tend to go for a lot of days out as they are retired. However this has been the status quo for some years. FIL isn't interested in buying presents (he's not against it, she is just much more interested). She is aware we have gift lists, on Amazon, she has one as well. She expects her gifts to be purchased largely from there, but tends to buy other people's gifts from wherever she sees something she fancies buying. She has previously bought DH the same book three Christmases running.

This year, once again, DH's & my gifts have all been donated already. We have never said anything, because it would be rude. We have, however, on previous occasions, asked her / them not to buy us sweets etc, as we are trying to be more healthy, & I plain don't like sweets (am exceedingly picky when it comes to sweet stuff, I'd rather have a tiny bit of something really good, or just go without). I have also got health conditions which are triggered by various foods. We both got a large package of cheap sweets. We have previously been instructed, in no uncertain terms, not to buy her sweets, as she has health issues. We abide by her request, but she doesn't.

She asked me a few days ago how I liked X present. Honestly, I didn't know what to say. We don't have a great relationship with them, although they're actually not aware of this - MIL has a staggering lack of boundaries & is pretty narcissistic IMO. I'm fully aware that this is probably colouring my (our) view of the situation. DH is just as fed up of it as me.

OP posts:
KMoKMo · 11/01/2020 19:32

You must have answered with something though? So just repeat the same line every year she asks.
I’m guessing she still won’t get the message though.

Chottie · 11/01/2020 19:32

Perhaps 2020 could be the year that you donate to charity instead of giving presents? From what you say, I don't think MiL will change.

So, in answer to your question, MiL asking how you liked X present, could be an opportunity to open that conversation.......

HollowTalk · 11/01/2020 19:33

She's got a nerve, expecting you to buy from a wish list while ignoring your own wish list.

Fr0g · 11/01/2020 19:34

Normally I'd suggest "Lovely, thank you" regardless - and I do prefer surprises rather than lists, however when she is giving "no sweets" instructions, but ignoring yours, I'd go for a version of
"Thanks, so thoughtful of you, sadly I'm a bit like you, I can't eat x because of my health, we donated them to the local foodbank"

BBOA · 11/01/2020 19:35

I would just say the sweets were a lovely thought but make a joke of X/soandso polishing them off as you couldn't eat them. I really feel your pain thought. My DS and refused to discuss what my DS might want for Christmas. I told my DS he would probably prefer some cash to buy a top or something as being teen he is very picky,and I wouldn't want her to waste money on something he wouldn't use or wear. She ignored me of course. Wasted £30 on present that wasn't suitable for 16 year old boy. Thankfully he pretended he liked it to not be rude. Not sure why people don't listen. Maybe just stubborn and make it a power trip!! Know it was well meaning I'm my case but your MIL is either thoughtless, has early stage dementia, or just doesn't like you! 😂

AriadnesFilament · 11/01/2020 19:45

You say “you gave DH a book you’ve now given him for 3 christmases in a row, and me sweets that I’ve asked you several times not to because they could aggravate my health conditions” and then look at her expectantly.

CoalTit · 11/01/2020 20:13

How about "I can't tell if you're pulling my leg or not."? Those are unbelievably thoughtless presents.

aroundtheworldyet · 11/01/2020 20:45

I don’t really understand people who can’t talk to their family.
If my dad gave me a book 3 times in a row. I would say “WTAF father. Are you ok. You gave me this already! Hahaha” and we would all laugh or we wouldn’t because he’s maybe got dementia.

AwdBovril · 11/01/2020 20:54

We've tried suggesting that we just do presents for children (DD is, & will be, their only grandchild). Also suggested the charity donations route... no, she likes buying things. TBH that's a big part of the problem, for her it's all about buying stuff, she's a shopaholic (and a hoarder). She doesn't seem to be concerned about what she buys, she just likes spending on things, the more the merrier.

Both PILs are pretty fragile tempers, in that if we offend them about something, they are likely to (they have previously) throw a tantrum & refuse to see us for several weeks. TBH DH & I couldn't be bothered with responding to the drama, but they have proved before that they're willing to hurt DD to make a point. She loves them & sees them most weeks, & would be confused & hurt if/when they weren't around for a few months as retaliation for some supposed misbehaviour of ours.

OP posts:
CanISpeakToYourManager · 11/01/2020 20:56

I honestly think you just have to say, 'Lovely thanks' and change the subject. Just ignore it. Gifts don't mean anything except the intention of the giver and you already know what she intends, so what can you do about it? Nothing except ignore or create drama.

MopsRUs · 11/01/2020 21:17

I agree with CanISpeak. She's trying to goad you into an argument. Say the most bland thing you can, then change the subject. Don't be drawn in, she'll only frame you as the bad guy!

AwdBovril · 11/01/2020 21:33

@aroundtheworldyet - ordinarily I'd agree with you. Except...

They turned up once, unannounced, at DD's dinnertime (when she was still a toddler, & inclined to throw dinner on the floor, refusing to eat etc, if distracted). We had previously asked them to call first, they didn't. We asked them to call first in future, as it wasn't really convenient, explained why, said it would have to be a super quick visit, & asked them to come back the next day if convenient. They left immediately, MIL didn't speak to us for a month, & FIL refused to speak to us for a further couple of weeks - MIL took DD out to the car to see him, but he wouldn't speak to us. Bearing in mind that at this time they were dropping round most days (invariably unannounced).
Completely pathetic behaviour. We only tolerated it because DD adores them, & I have been trying (for years) to get DH to see that their behaviour is really quite unpleasant at times.

@CanISpeakToYourManager, @MopsRUs, we pretty much do go with this strategy now. Except I do feel that we're giving her a pass to continue with her behaviour... but realistically I don't think there's another viable option.

OP posts:
Patroclus · 11/01/2020 23:17

If someone is ignoring me like a 3 year old they sure as fuck wouldnt be taking my child out.

BlueEyedGreeness · 11/01/2020 23:24

they have proved before that they're willing to hurt DD to make a point. She loves them & sees them most weeks, & would be confused & hurt if/when they weren't around for a few months as retaliation for some supposed misbehaviour of ours.

The very first time that they do this is the time that you must pull back and maybe see them once a month or even less, not to spite them but to save your dd from the pain!

And tbh as far as the gifts go, I think I'd let your dh take the lead and follow what he suggests as they are his family.

Thanks
CherryPavlova · 11/01/2020 23:30

Yes just go with “It was kind of you, thank you”. Why fret about something that gives her pleasure? Just expect anything impressive. We have great fun laughing at the shockingly bad presents my mother in law proffers. They win at the village ‘bad present party’ every January.
It’s such a small thing to get vexed about.

AwdBovril · 12/01/2020 07:52

If someone is ignoring me like a 3 year old they sure as fuck wouldnt be taking my child out.

I agree, but they're DH's parents & I know he finds their behaviour very painful to deal with at times, so I try to let him take the lead on some stuff. While tactfully pointing out to him the inconsistencies, childish & selfish behaviour, likely long-term consequences to DD, etc etc.

Thanks for this. At least it's good to know we're more or less taking the best route with the crap gifts.

OP posts:
ThighThighofthigh · 12/01/2020 08:15

'Lovely, thanks. Are we not doing the wish lists anymore? So, i won't work from yours next year? Let me know because it's silly if one does and one doesn't'

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 12/01/2020 08:23

I think you have bigger issues than presents. The presents thing is fine. Just say "lovely, thanks" and move on. Honesty isn't always the best policy. Sometimes, white lies are fine. My daughter is almost 6 and tall. MIL gave her 2 tops for Christmas age 3-4. How they behave is what you need to deal with by putting your own boundaries in place. The presents is a minor issue.

Babybel90 · 12/01/2020 08:28

Honestly I’d let them be offended and welcome the break of them not speaking to you for a few weeks, I bet your DD wouldn’t miss them as much as you think Grin

Sofacat · 12/01/2020 08:36

I reckon she knows the presents were unsuitable and is trying to pick an argument, so I would take the wind out of her sails and go totally over the top by enthusing how amazing the gifts were and how much you loved them , how she’s so thoughtful etc.

Oblomov20 · 12/01/2020 08:49

I don't know why people aren't more honest.

Pp who mil bought t-shirts aged 3-4 for a 6 year old:
"Yes, thank you so much, but unfortunately they were aged 3-4, and dd being 6, they were far too small, so she hadn't been able to wear them. "

"Thank you for the sweets, but I can't eat them".

It's not that hard!

BobbyBlueCat · 12/01/2020 08:59

Ideally, you just say "we don't eat sweets so I took them in to work for everybody", "you bought him the same book last year so we donated it to the local hospice/homeless shelter/exchanged it at Waterstones" or "it's not something we'd use but the charity shop were very grateful" etc etc.
But you've said this isn't something you'd do.

So just stop buying her things from her wishlist and things she wants. Instead, enjoy buying her crap sweets and other shite presents and play her at her own game!

CanISpeakToYourManager · 12/01/2020 12:29

Yeah, I think my suggested response was literally just about the question re: gifts. But you have bigger issues.

It is super super helpful to develop scripts in advance for dealing with shitty behaviour. Discussing with your DH how to respond in ways that don't escalate drama but don't let them behave really badly is tricky but worth it.

HillAreas · 12/01/2020 12:37

I’d just keep the gifts and fire them straight back at her for her birthday or next Christmas. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery after all Halo

GetUpAgain · 12/01/2020 12:48

I have a set of inlaws like this. I just see it as their way of donating to charity shops/foodbank without them even knowing it. I mainly go with smile and nod politely approach, and don't see them often. In your situation I'd probably say 'thank you, unfortunately I couldn't eat them due to my health but thank you anyway' and then swiftly change the subject.

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