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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask how to deal with it when people ask if I liked their (thoughtless) gifts?

33 replies

AwdBovril · 11/01/2020 19:21

It's a MIL one I'm afraid. She does the present buying on behalf of her & FIL. It is very much a leisure activity (going shopping), they tend to go for a lot of days out as they are retired. However this has been the status quo for some years. FIL isn't interested in buying presents (he's not against it, she is just much more interested). She is aware we have gift lists, on Amazon, she has one as well. She expects her gifts to be purchased largely from there, but tends to buy other people's gifts from wherever she sees something she fancies buying. She has previously bought DH the same book three Christmases running.

This year, once again, DH's & my gifts have all been donated already. We have never said anything, because it would be rude. We have, however, on previous occasions, asked her / them not to buy us sweets etc, as we are trying to be more healthy, & I plain don't like sweets (am exceedingly picky when it comes to sweet stuff, I'd rather have a tiny bit of something really good, or just go without). I have also got health conditions which are triggered by various foods. We both got a large package of cheap sweets. We have previously been instructed, in no uncertain terms, not to buy her sweets, as she has health issues. We abide by her request, but she doesn't.

She asked me a few days ago how I liked X present. Honestly, I didn't know what to say. We don't have a great relationship with them, although they're actually not aware of this - MIL has a staggering lack of boundaries & is pretty narcissistic IMO. I'm fully aware that this is probably colouring my (our) view of the situation. DH is just as fed up of it as me.

OP posts:
BaronessBomburst · 12/01/2020 12:54

Why are you happy to let your DD build a relationship with people who are completely unsuitable? If they don't see her for weeks because of their behaviour, that is their choice. And she, to be quite frank, needs to grow up learning that they are unreliable and manipulative.

EmeraldShamrock · 12/01/2020 12:59

I'd say thank you.
Though next Christmas ignore her Amazon list, buy her the worst vile sweets possible and a copy of the book she gifted DH 3 times.

Cherrysoup · 12/01/2020 12:59

Food bank/charity all the way and speak to her about it. I finally got through to my mum re unsuitable presents. It is a horrible shame and waste of money when someone persistently buys stuff they know you won’t use/dislike/is bad for you. So silly.

shoebedobedobedobedoo · 12/01/2020 13:07

MIL does this too. Keeps buying me clothes in her size, trying to give me her clothes and buying things that are just totally just not my taste. So I’ve started doing the same back. She brought me a horrible duvet set.....next birthday I bought her one back. Hideous pyjamas......she got a pair right back. She’s largely stopped now. Still buys some awful stuff for the kids which goes straight to the charity shop. We don’t see them often and she doesn’t get a thank you because DH doesn’t make the kids write thank you cards to her.....and neither do I.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 12/01/2020 13:10

Pp who mil bought t-shirts aged 3-4 for a 6 year old:
"Yes, thank you so much, but unfortunately they were aged 3-4, and dd being 6, they were far too small, so she hadn't been able to wear them."

MIL's son is the child's father. He can tell her that if he likes. Why should it be up to the DIL to tell the MIL?

I'd tell my own mother. With MIL I usually say thanks, and then put them straight into a bag for the charity shop. My husband often comes home from her house with any amount of tat. Bed clothes, curtains, towels etc that she has bought and never used. He takes them, says thanks and then we put them in a charity bag if they're unsuitable.

Urkiddingright · 12/01/2020 13:14

If you keep telling her you liked the presents, she will keep buying you shit. You should have been honest and thanked her but said you have told her before you can’t eat sweets so you had to give them away.

whattodo2019 · 12/01/2020 16:20

We have the same problem. MIL only wants presents from the list she suggests but buys the rest of us crap!
I have now become as firm as she is about we want/ need and it is working.
Good luck

Ellmau · 12/01/2020 16:41

"It was such a kind thought!" [avoids any comment about gift itself]

"He loved the book" [not saying he loved it three years ago]

In future, could you tell her directly what your and your family would like? Or a couple to choose from? She obviously can't be bothered to check your wishlist, but an e-mail stating X or Y please is a bit harder to ignore. Most of my loved ones now give me exactly what I want, bc I tell them in advance.

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