To stop my children going to their dad's?

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

Dd 12 has been refusing to go to her dad's for contact every other weekend but being very evasive about why, just saying that she doesn't like it there. We live in a lovely village and home and her dad's house is in a rundown area and the house is untidy and chaotic - so I assumed it was this. I have never been allowed in to the house so didn't know the true condition.

My other dd, 14, has always wanted to see her dad, but recently, along with ds, 10 - has been reluctant to go, saying she missed her friends in the village we live in.

Yesterday she told my dp why she doesn't want to go. Dd and ds have to 'play out' till 11pm at night. The house is only 3 bedrooms and their dad's girlfriend has 3 children so it is crowded anyway, but they have 6 cats who wee and poo in the house. There is no bin and rubbish is thrown either in bags or on the floor. There are no structured mealtimes. Their dad's girlfriend smokes weed in the house in front of the children and leaves bags of it lying around. Dd was scared to tell me about this and so she confided in my DP, but agreed he could tell me.

I am horrified. Obviously the fortnightly contact at weekends will have to stop immediately. Dd still wants to see her dad so I will need to facilitate that somehow. My other dd and ds aren't bothered about seeing him, but I will try to keep contact for their sake. There is no court ordered contact, so I'm just going to message exh and inform him that there will be no overnight contact. He can take me to court if he wants. I don't think he would tbh.

I was thinking of going to see a solicitor for advice too. One of the things I'm worried about would be what would happen if I died unexpectedly. DP wants to keep my dc here in their lovely clean home and at their current schools, but obviously he has not got parental responsibility and I'm terrified they could end up living in that dirty, disgusting environment with their dad.

One thing making this tricky is that dd and ds don't want me to tell their dad what I've told them, so I am not sure what to say when he asks why I'm stopping overnight contact.

I know I'm not being unreasonable- I suppose I'm just wondering how I go about this in terms of next steps.

@Farontothemaddingcrowd

I get that you don't want to break their confidence (you sound like a great mum) and I'd be the same, but the situation is too far beyond that. You have been smelling cat piss on your children's clothes, so that will be a good starting point for a discussion. And you could say that you phoned one of the children at night, to be told they were still playing outside late.
His relationship with the children is going to change a bit now anyway, with the change in access arrangements, and unless he's completely stupid, he'll know they've had words with you. He needs to get his act together, and be told in no uncertain terms why.

I’m shocked at the 11pm thing, what on earth do they do? No way would they be going back, maybe explain to your DC that you do need to talk to their dad and they’re not in the wrong, you definitely need to raise these issues with him.

My dd sent me a video of their old flat at Christmas last year and that was a state. I spoke to him about it and as a result he had the dc staying at his mum's as I said the flat was not suitable. He then moved to a house and I thought he would get his act together as there was more space. It now seems to have got worse. I have also previously spoken to him about cat wee smell. He makes excuses and fails to rectify the situation in any meaningful way. I am done talking to him about it and giving him opportunities. If it were a decent parent, I would not need to tell him any of this.
I won't break the confidence of the dc because I want them to be able to confide in me in the future. I will just take steps to protect them.

Fair enough OP, I didn't realise there had been previous discussion over these issues.
He sounds like a hopeless case, and typically, it falls to you to sort it out.